The End: Thailand, Full Moon, Considerate Binge Drinking
Been home 3 weeks, but here’s the end of the journey anyway….
And so it is……..
The final countdown (not literally as des lynam is on it now with the effervescent carol vorderman supplying mature woman beauty). After the relaxed (full on horizontal) experience in Laos I was looking to inject some energy into myself, back to Thighland.
‘Hello Sir you want grasshopper’, obviously cringing at the thought yet surrounded by impressionable 18 year olds, ‘Yes I’ll have a full bag’. Crunch, crunch, slurp later(see also bicknall eating the contents of his nostrils) and I certainly had a spring in my step (boom, boom, boing, boing)!!
Had some bronchitis (no I didn’t also eat a dinosaur) due to heat (I feel a wave of winter addled sympathy coming my way).
All aboard the night train to bangwilly before going to the cinema on my own (weirdo, loser alert!) before discovering that they hate their king as much as we hate our royals. Before every film they play the Thai national anthem with a smashing montage of the king falling from the sky in raindrops (soggy and painful), Funny until, I had to stand up unfold my arms, dropping my pick and mix, sending giant bananas and cola cubes everywhere.
2 weeks left then and with me laughing at my unfathomable credit card bill (update: currently crying) it was time to PARTY like a worm in a tequila bottle. Headed down to Ko Phagn Nang (lemon meringue) and pretty much got lost in buckets for about 72+24 hours (beer has killed maths area of brian and brain too!). First night was more crackers than Jacobs and Ryvita, with memory loss attributed to my drink being spiked. I guess should’ve noticed that someone had put a hedgehog in there, but hey! Anyway ‘lost’ bank cards and hard cash (Thai P.M. doing a mean bullying face). There was a rumour going around about a ladyboy gang nicking stuff which posed obvious questions when telling the police……
The Fuzz “Was it a man or a woman|”…….
Me… “ Well…”
So armed with my best friend (not you Gil, you Essex sun bed merchant!) Mr Gold Card it was to the main event. Fortunately the moon had eaten all it’s tea and also a choc-ice for pudding and it was Full! Thus enabling 20,000 fruit loops and nut bars to go off on the beach (smelly). It was more mental than well, a mental person, meeting heaps of people (not all on top of each other) and going nuts (horsechestnuts especially) to quote Lionel Richie it went on All Night Long (regular voice), All Night (sort of high pitched beckham voice), All night long (reg voice) until 10 in the morning before swimming in a once beautiful sea now saturated with ‘pass’ (minus the ‘a’ add an ‘i’) , barf and some substance that rhymes with Doctor Who!!
Next day was like this….Discover not dead, rejoice! Fall foul of bucket syndrome, go mad, forget name, but still able to spit and deduce that I’m twerted when talking to people, turn down ladyboy, have one hour sleep, wake up, pack in 20 seconds, make boat with 4 seconds to spare, eat valium, sit in café, want to lie on floor, almost fall apart at the kneecaps. Arrive in Krabi feeling what else but Lobstery, er no I mean crabby.
Rock climbing at 8.30am REARRANGED for 2.00pm. Awake at 1.45pm “ muttering ‘mum, tea, bacon, urrggh’. Strolled up to big cliff (richard and asked him why he releases bad music) not knowing my arse from my elbow, fundamentally importantas its difficult to climb with your bum. After my instructor ‘Tu’ (never trust a man named after a number i.e. Juan or Tu) told me he hadn’t done
much rock climbing before and that he wasn’t really an instructor I suggested something similar to rock climbing in the slim chance I might be able to sneak back to bed, how about ‘Clock Rhyming’???
My champion efforts were ignored (sock, lock, block, cock) as he fitted me with a harness and told me to go away up a big rock face.It was great! I released more water than a camel after 10 pints of bitter and even got to tread on a Spanish girls foot when I got stuck. My later Spiderman auditions were discredited when the highly illegal substance sellotape was found on my fingers.
1 week……….Onto the lovely island of Ko Phi Phi twinned with Ko Poo Poo. Previously the Tsunami had hit here, but you’d barely know save for subtle reminders, a testament to the Thai people.
Not really to much to say about desperate sun bathing other than you go REDder than ruby grapefruit juice. Drank lots of fruit shakes to go with the arm shakes from booze consumption. Then hired a boat to take us to the island where they filmed the originally titled movie and book ‘The Beach’ did some class snorkelling seeing loads of fish before calling Captain Birdseye (rumour has it he really does have a birdseye under that eye patch) and asking for some breadcrumbs.
Hit the beach (not literally), no sign of All Saints singing ……“I’m moving, I’m jogging, can you come over here, I really want a beer, oh look Cyril sneer, take me to the quiche ” …… (or however it went), pretended to be Leonardo Di Crapio running around going “ I’m King Of The World ” , “ I’m also a huge cock ” and “ Francoise ”. It was a seriously beautiful place and therefore was ripe to be graced with my football skills, all was going well until a Brasilian by the name of ‘Chico’ popped up, played some ball, and it suddenly dawned on me with only 2 days left………
Cue sad violins and possibly the worst Goonies/current pop music joke ever, ever, ever and ever.
“ Don’t you get it Briggsy, the moment you get on that plane your giving this great nomadic life up, Up there in England it’s their extended winter time, down here playing football on a beautiful beach with Brasilians it’s Chico Time!!!!” (letterbombs are welcome for that one).
Finished up with the Half Moon party (one bum cheeked trousers) before slowly trundling off to Bangkok to fly home. Back in reality now I’m peeling more than a potato technician, a young child called me a w*nker presumably upon seeing my Henry from Neighbours haircut, and just had a phone call from Wilkinsons saying my Dads hedge trimmers are in. Brilliant!
So thanks everyone for reading and writing and being great travel people/job avoidersIt’s been character building (good C.V. lie)
I love you all more than a fat man at a woolworths eater egg sale and hope to see you soon to compare tans.
Tags: Full Moon Party, Ko Phi Phi, Krabi, Rock Climbing, South East Asia, Thailand, Travel
jamesbriggs11
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