One Night Stand

A big moody Euro 2004 is rubbish hello,

Well since i last wrote i have been stunned (the france game and prescottsinability to leave men alone), satisfied (switzerland game and a quiet moment alone in the bathroom), delirious (croatia game and 14 hours worth of drinking) and devastated (portugal game and the news that dahl the parrot from neighbours has died).

We`ve now left Chile and the Honey Monster hostel owner and have been in Argentina for about 2 weeks. Argentina is class, most of this assesment is based on the fact that the women are beautiful, the beer is 40p a litre and the steaks are bigger than your average tractor wheel. Although we did buy some food the other day we thought was fish and it turned out to be tongue. Prescott said he now realised what it would be like to french kiss a cow. The big weirdo!

Been to the Moreno Glacier which is like a giant foxes glacier mint but moreamazing and less minty. Then an all dayer in Comodo (64) Rivadavia where we watched an Eng game got drunk ate far too much and then felt sick on the night bus. As most of the restaurants are all you can eat we`ve mostly been partaking in a game called “All you can eat…until you feel sick, can`t move and don`t want to live anymore”. Shopping is also a nightmare its like…

” Hello sir would you like a t-shirt, pair of shoes, socks, hat, goldfish, garden gnome…….no i fu*king don`t.

Then further north to a place called Bariloche where it has more rain than Rudolph the reindeer?? Here we drank most days using football as an excuse for all dayers as most games started at three and we often ended up getting back at 6 in the morning which made for frightening hangovers and even more frightening was Prescs morning breath. We then headed for a few days not on the piss but on the `piste` (see what i`ve done there – not funny is it?).

Here we had two days of hip 360`s and radical moves. Although in reality crashing into people, ski lifts and fences whilst shouting “gnarly” and “bodacious” isn`t good snowboarding form, although pushing your travelling partner off the ski lift is funny.

So to the fateful day of the Portugal game, armed with beer and my beard we sat down with a load of Jocks to watch the game, they continously cheered for the Portuguese so when Lampard equalised i nearly put one of them through a window (the english hooligans…never) then it was “gaypenaltytime”. In massive frustration the beard was swished off in about an hour revealing the face of a nine year old boy. That night we were forced to vacate our room bacause of the `snoring idiot´ this man decided it was perfectly acceptable to crank up his nasal passage to full volume not giving a thought to the fact that the building was about to collapse. All attempts to stop the fool i.e. throwing blankets, clocking him about the head with pillows and shouting “SHUT UP YOU F`ING KNOB” were in vain.

We`ve been in Mendoza for the last few days and have been Paragliding which was class. This involves them driving you to the top of a very large hill and then saying run, run, run. My answer was run where?? before i realised they meant off the cliff. This was great especially as i had the loonatic pilot who like to perform acrobatics (this feeling is much alike to a giant tipping you upside down and shaking you very hard after you`ve drank to many milkshakes). Presc declined the offer of acrobatics citing simply that he was afraid.

Yesterday it was wine tour time to 3 different places. In the first place the tour was given by the best looking woman in the world ever ™. For an hour we nodded insanely, forgot to listen and asked ridiculous questions like ” so this is wine then”…”do you like wine”…”can i marry you”. In complete contrast the next woman guide had a bigger beard than me or presc. Then we ate salami, cheese and drank more wine. She was amazing.

Tonight we go to Buenos Aires which is where people PARTY (annoying word the the North Americans have brainwashed us into saying).
 
 
Well done if you`ve read this far, my hands are killing me and thats mainly from having to slap off Prescotts unwanted advances every five minutes.

Love Briggadier xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A big hearty Euro 2004 hello!!

 As you can imagine me and your boy are getting more excited than Prescott when he hears a Village people tune. We have taken a massive anti french stance banning french bread, garlic, berets, stripey jumpers….anderr….french cricket?? and quite impressively young James P has even vowed to give up French kissing his latest squeeze Javier.

 Lord Wispy Beard and I are stuck in deepest South Chile in a place called Puerto Natales it is cold, very cold, dogs bark a lot at night and i have an intestinal infection!! Just been to the docs yesterday which was an interesting experience i basically paid the fella 10 quid to hit me in the stomach very hard for about five minutes, personally i think i could have
 achieved the same result by drinking about 5 pints in a pub and then asking the bouncer if he wore lipstick

(DISCLAIMER: If any of this email doesn´t make sense it´s because i´m on 3 sets of drugs and am as high as kite.
Wibble)

 Since i last wrote we´ve been on a wine tour where we were still ravaged from the Massive Attack night before and ended up wasting 50 dollar special wines. A Deidre Barlow lookalike (Ann KirkBride) gladly quaffed everything in sight. Whilst everyone else was going mmm…a really earthy smell with a dark mysterious character, Presc and i were like this tastes like Lambrini….rubbish.

Next to Pucon where we stayed with a chap called Lalo who told jokes that went on for hours and were poo. Went on these zip lines which were class until i posed for a photo, giving it the` i´m so cool on my zip line smile´ thus neglecting to break and slamming into a tree at 35 km/h. Next day it was up Villarica Volcanoe which last erupted in 1984 and is due an
eruption every 20 years….GREAT!! So we reach the top of the giant mofo with our spiky boots and ice axes making us look like old He Man Characters and you can´t see nowt, then it let out the biggest rumble you´ll ever i hear….parp. Prescott climbed into his rucksack. On the way down we got to slide down on our backsides which was wicked although Captain Terrible Beard kept slowing up saying that it was scary. In Pucon it rained loads which meant a few few lenghty sessions in the pub. I attended many of these in the guise of frogman as i had my waterproofs on which bared a striking resemblance to a lacoste trakkie. How the locals laughed as the rain subsided. One bonus was that some chump who wanted to
 talk about Arsenal ,Terry Hurry and Patrick Vienetta had a terrible lisp which meant he spat all over me all over me. The Shellsuit coped admirably so i passed the goon onto Prescott and he proceeded to spit in his eye and on his jumper for the next hour. Waterproofs…the way forward??

 Since then we´ve been to a series of sh*tholes staying in the likes of Backpackers Paradise (all the best…more like a paradise for rats and cockroaches). Before the trots and barf struck we walked to Torres Del Paine which is a big park with mountains and llamas and stuff. Since then its been a series of dashes to the loo and regurgitating whole eggs. Whilst in the
 loo i noticed that there were lots of earwigs on the floor which led me to ask myself “earwigs? – they don`t have ears and they don`t wear wigs” ( i think the drugs have kicked in.)

 Beard Update:

 I´ve previously mentioned that Prescoid sleep talks, well he was at it again the other night and i thought it would fit perfectly in the ´Beard Update`section. I quote….

 ” Briggs´ beard is class. Such fullness and vibrant colour spills from his cheekbones. Mine really pales into comparison with my sporadic fluffy patches”.

 …i have to say i found myself nodding in agreement, thinking that i´d seen many girls with better facial hair than my travelling companion.

 Anyway with Englands challenge about to K.O. tomorrow we have oursleves some face paint. This was a right ball ache to buy as they thought we wanted lipstick or herpes cream (maybe Presc did) with which to adorn the red and white upon ourselves. If Prescott gets drunk tonight though i´ll scrawl ´TURNIP´ across his head.

 Into Argentina on Monday where English football is illegal so should be scary. Tomorrow though we´ll be all huddled up with a some beers a crap t.v. and my medication to neck should things go ascew.

 Cheers for all your emails, it is good to hear what is going on back at home.

 take care

 Sickboyxxxxxxxxxxxxxx COME ON THE LION
 BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 joke (courtesy of Slonks)

 Two cows in a field. One says to the other, ‘What do you make of this mad
 cow disease?’ The other one says, ‘Doesn’t affect me, mate.’ ‘Oh, yeah?
 Why’s that?’ ‘I’m a helicopter.’

Smello We have left Bolivia after losing our treasured tennis ball (adopted football) to an army barracks, when we we politely enquired whether we could have it back the guard stroked his AK-47 and let out a laugh similar to Skeletors. Git. Football continued ... [Continue reading this entry]