The Sun Has Got His Hat On Hip Hip Hooray…
Monday, April 4th, 2005A big hearty good autumn afternoon,
Unfortunately the sun has got his rain hat on and is smoking a fecking cigarette because the weather is sh*t here. You are all so lucky living in England. The weather here is more random than a barking monkey. Yesterday 30 degrees, today windy and rainy….hence my geek mail.
Whats been happening then? Lots of stuff really so grab your tails, open a bottle of wine and put a joint of beef in the oven, actually just sit down and keep reading.
Alcohol Problems….between me and my flatmate we’ve been ejected from pubs about 17 times in the last month, mainly for just standing there and talking. The big lard munching bouncers like nothing better than to kick out their more toned pub residents with curly hair. All attempts to destroy this ruse have failed. e.g. swopping t-shirts and downing snake bite to get big red clown lips.
Went to the Mardi Gra which is an event Prescott organises every year for his ‘special friends’. Anyway in the lost hope of seeing lesbian action we scaled a public building against the polices wishes and were promptly caught on police camcorder. What ensued was a game of ‘Father and Son’ where the increasingly agitated policemen said “Get Down” whereas we stood there arms folded shaking or heads. Fortunately a float passed with a series of ladies and gents dressed inm police uniform which seemed to avert the ‘real’ police gaze over to their sequinned counterparts, allowing us a 10ft ankle jarring drop and an adrenaline pumped stumbling run to safety.
Still working on the beach and fulfilled a lifetime ambition a couple of weeks ago. A woman came charging up clearly distressed saying her friend had nearly drowned…..
my David Hasselhoff Baywatch version…..
” Lifesaver James you must help my friend is nearly dead, you must help”
” Never fear madam i will save your friend” and with that i leapt over the 8ft counter of my beach hut and sprinted breaking the land speed record to the thumping drums and tinkling pianos of the Baywatch theme. I dragged her from the raging 18ft surf and adminsistered mouth to mouth, she coughed up water, looked up gratefully and all misty eyed said thanks James your my hero. The onlooking crowds went wild.
‘The Truth’……
“my friend has swallowed some water can you help”
“yes’ and with that i slid over the 2ft counter taking care not to scuff my boardies and ran to the lifeguard station before realising they’d already seen the danger and were tending to the young lady and trudged sheepishly back to my workhut out of breath.
Mad taxi drivers….
lots of them one was afghanie and kept talking about breakfast cereals the other pulled up at our house and said “ok get out everyone does this to me, get out or i will break both your legs” a little confused because back home you normally just drop your kebab wrapper wake up a drooling friend, try not to be sick and offer the taxi driver a high five before paying. We paid him much to his and our confusion.
Watched Australia v Iraq in the Olympic stadium which was rubbish with Tim Molehill being the only good player. After realising my 10 dollar 1st goalscorer bet on Saddam Hussain was looking a duffer and when a pitch invasion seemed the best option to fend off sleep we were saved by the introduction of an iraqi sub called Ali G. (bad joke coming…….) he came on and played aiiiiiiiiigggggggght!!!!!!
Still rubbish at surfing, still getting drunk trying to sleep it off on the beach with inevitable embarassing drool and sunburn combo’s, still the king of deck chair hiring industry.
Love James xxxxxxxxxxxxx
jamesbriggs11