One Night Stand

Eh up rat fans,

It’s been a while so either delete this straight away or prepare yourself for tales longer than a rat who’s drinking my mate Prescotts body booster shakes.

Last few weeks in Sydney were general mayhem up at 4.30am to watch champo league final went back to bed at half time, congratulations to Milan on an easy win. Work subsided in a blur of free bars, lots of cocktails including a molotov one hurled
at the office by some chjeeky local Sydney scamps and a raging inferno that thretened to consume the office!

After getting royally lashed at work we were just about to wedgie thesecurity guard when alert potential firefighter Briggs smelled burning.Assuming the voluvonts i’d placed in the oven were burning, i ran into the kitchen area to see a tea towel on fire….

Utter bullsh*t version…. I raced past the terrified office workers
without a thought for my own life, grabbed a bottle of soda water, ripped the cap off with my teeth and saturated the 10ft high flames, saving three young orphan children and a ferret. To rapturous applause my office workers congratulated me and promised that James Briggs commerative plaque would
be on the wall the following week.

The truth…… having seen a girl in a weary state i took her to the
sanctuary of the kitchen to get her some water, seeing a flame flicker froma tea towel on the hob, i blew the fire making it bigger (proving that i could’ve been a caveman) and then found a bottle of water to douse the flames causing a massive smoke cloud which set off the fire alarm automatically calling the fire brigade and ensuring the fire exits were used to make a quick exit.
James Briggs consequently blacklisted from the Data Entry Christmas Party.

On the road now in ‘Frank the Tank’ our unstoppable (almost) mirth mobile. I say almost as we conked out on the motorway after waiting to see how long the car could run on red for. We all hopped from the car cursing and kicking the big burgundy beast before using our cummulative knowledge of cars to conclude that it wasn’t the water, oil or anything to do with the broken
car speakers. Sheepishly walked to petrol station, flirted with pasties and beef jerky before admitting we needed a can of petrol.

WARNING! (Lack Of Punctuation Ahead). Right deep breath………….Been winetasting trying not to sound like a beer yobbo, by drinking every wine going and then offering descriptions such as earthy and barnyardy before drooling in sleep on way home. Saw some Kangarooneys, saw some fins (not that lanky chap from hollyoaks) in water after stupidly getting up for sunrise, ran far far away from sunrise upon fin sighting, woken by something tearing up campsite pooed myself thinking it was bears or walking sharks only to get up and see it was a turkey type thing immediatly called Bernard Matthews to sort things. Showed rugged outdoor man skills by cannoing across a dangerous lake,got half way across but kept going round in circles until someone told me i was in it the wrong way round. Got flashed (not be a hot eastern european student) but rather
by a speed camera cue banana noses and trilby hats for the rest of the journey. Did tarzan impression off rope swing doing that noise he makes but in a more scared fashion. Went to a naked community (not the ashton/allen/prescott household) and decided to stay fully attired in case of erm rain and escaped panda bears. Booted out of campsite at 7am by a camp man (not trigger) for playing frisbee or something to loudly. Went to Dorrigo (Tony, great mullet), Belengen, Byron and Stingly bay (thx presc), into a bar called Cheeky Monkies which was totally devoid of anything resembling a simian except for the knobhead rugby types. Decided to try and do some exercise and went running on the beach was chased by a playful dog that wanted to run alongside me, how nice……but no the little f*cker sank his dirty diseased gums into my leg!! Being the animal lover that i am a gave it a swift kick to the ribs which resulted in a strangely satisfying whining sound coming from its stupid snout. The moral of the story is don’t exercise.

Onto Nimbin the drugs capitall of Aus where we like totally vegged out and had intelligent conversations on decriminalising such brain wasting activities, most conversations ended with the word dude or man mind. Undercover cops (they were wearing duvets) tried to bust a local dealer but the Nimbin community ripped him free to the whoops of onlookers.

In Surfers ‘shithole weather tacky’ paradise which was just a plain booze fest, went to ‘wet n wild’ water park which was just that with lots of blasphemous action going on there as we ran past little kids knocking theminto hedges and giggling like buffoons and generally acting like a 5 yr old….superb. Now in Brisbane sh*tting bricks that i’ve got rabies as i’m drooling over the keyboard.

Hope you are all enjoying the summer its winter over here and a tad (rebecci) cold, just bought a vest for some reason so if anyone knows of any big biceps in 1 day courses or alternatively sleeve addition outlets please feel free to mail me. Fruit picking next………so i’ll have more fruity tales soon (groan, boo)

take care
james xxxx

Gooday Champs,

Well i’m still in Sydney (doh) but will be leaving in about 3 weeks. I’m no longer working on the beach as the weather has become a tad to cold for topless bathing so wrote my notice quicker than Prescott gives out his phone number in Brighton High St.

Shark Tale…… A few weeks ago in the next bay to Bondi a fella was attacked with the mongrel (i mean shark) taking a chunk out of said geezers board, i was surfing that day but i think Jaws assumed my daft hair was a clump of seawood and steered around me. Needless to say ever since this moment i’ve been looking at the seabed more than an upside down turtle.

Been to watch some Aussie Rules, and quite frankly it doesn’t rule anything.

Defied my bodies cries for ‘no beer’ and ‘more sleep’ by continually punishing it resulting in a few late starts, waking up on balconies and many blanks that need filling in.

Caught my first green wave (no Alco this isn’t secret code that you can use with your environmentalist friends) but is a good wave which would be useful from escaping from said shark and/or floaters.

Mixing with regular Aussie people……Was sat at a bus stop when an old lady let a seat trembler go, before i realised what was happening she was then asking me if i wanted a ginger? A ginger what biscuit, girl, haircut???

New Job……..started a new job working next to Harbour Bridge for a promotions company, unfortunately having two hips doesn’t qualify you as a hip young thing who gets to Hob nob and eat hob nobs with beer companies etc but instead type in names for competition entry forms (ooo wow, i hear you cry). I’m crying by the way because absolute t*ats like Nigel Longworth, KM Vignolio and Kelly Dennett enter a competition 317 times to win a whistle. On the plus side my job title is freelancer, which in my eyes means i’m a rebellious swordsman hellbent on gaining freedom for my people, in reality i’m a temp who prods a keyboard all day. I have however learnt that there is a road in Sydney called ‘Megalong Road’ which is presumably big.

Professional Commuter……….i have to get up really early and sit with other early morning haters on the train, after being late for my first 2 days on the job, i finally figured out how to get there and perhaps became a little too comfortable in my commuter role. After leaning against a clear plastic wall on my first train, i boarded the next one taking up position against a rather cold and sweaty pole (insert own mum pole dancing joke here), i quickly spyed a spot against a perspex screen and seeing the opportunity for a quick nap headed confidently over. I leaned and before i knew what was going on i was in the lap of an equally startled Chinese lady, i jumped up redder than beetroot mumbling ‘damn perspex theives’.

Disadvantages/Advantages of Data Entry………when you go into a bar restaurant instead of coolly ordering a beer you find yourself saying ‘DATA, DATA, DATA, DATA, DATA’, on the positive side at ten to two on a saturday night going up to a girl and saying DATA, DATA, DATA may be seen as charming persistence to score a date. Also on Friday nights the godly words ‘free bar’ are uttered and everyone makes like a bad striker and hits the bar. I bring in my industrial sized rucksack claiming i need to take files home over the weekend, before sliding the beer fridge in.

Soccerroo…..(GIRLS….fall asleep now) I’ve been playing football for a team over here and we have a webiste, which i’ve been writing match reports for, you can read my over dramatic totally untrue accounts of my goals, match winning tackles etc so far at www.glebewanderers.com then go to match reports.

Enough rubbish anyway, 3 weeks and the open road beckons with the plan to buy a Robin Reliant and run it perilously close to cliff ledges whilst running over snakes and spiders.

Hive fives, back slaps and bear hugs for you all
Briggsy xxxxxxxxxxxxx