One Night Stand

Bom dia from Brasiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil,

Been ages since i plonked my white backside down for a lengthy mail, no real
excuse other than being a bit lazy. In that time we have been in 4
countries.
First there was the hedonism and crazy nights of Buenos Aires where we
encountered all sorts of deranged folk and permanently ruined our
bodyclocks. Most nights people go out at 3am (back in england i´d be safely
tucked up with a kebab on my face, fully clothed and with half a litre of
dribble on my pillow) and head back around 9 or 10 in the morning. One night
old Presco thought he´d fondle a young ladies backside safe amongst the
throngs of partygoers, in a flash said young lady was raining down blows on
Prescotts arms and shouting expletives at him. Hilarious. Then he tried to
apologise which resulted in a further volley of swear words. The boy has
charm! Other nights he stayed in saying it would be too dangerous to see how
the men reacted to such bottom caresses. More nights we went to Bum and Face
clubs (derum and bass), some weird tranny place (rumour has it that presc
was spotted clutching an application form)where ladies parts fell
seductively from their knickers.
Went to Pacha a few times which was absolutely class the hjighlight being
when we went out with this German girl who regrettably had her camera
stolen. She then proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes blamimg a midget
because she was the perfect size to steal it!!! as if the vertically
challenged people didn´t have it hard enough the next day was spent at the
police station with rants such as…. it vas ze midget, perfect height!!
Went to Bocas Juniors stadium situated next to the most polluted river in
the world, 7 out of 10 people who fall in there die!!! Prescott naturally
declined my offer for a Gladiators style joust match above the river.
Went to Uruguay for a day hired some scooters and recreated that adidas
advert for about 7 hours. Onto the road again with the usual fare of
warbling children, old ladies snoring through megaphones and leaking roofs.
In the morning quite deranged from the bus journey i bought a spiderman mask
and strolled thorugh the bus station. prescott chuckled everyone else looked
a bit scared.
Met some Argentinians who took us to the World rally championship in Cordoba
where cars drive very quickly next to drunk people on grass verges. Also
went to (Robert) Rosario where Che Guevre first lived its not all beer and
skittles you know). Then to Iguzu Falls perhaps the biggest waterfall in the
world ever. Imagine getting on a bus needing a wee with no toilet for 10
hours, then having that wee. Times that by about a million and your half way
there. Impressive. Took a boat ride underneath them which got us wet.
Prescott naturally tried to hide under seats, screamed like a girl and ended
up closing his eyes and whispering to me “tell me when its over”. Whilst
hear we ended up in a hairdressers and decided on some highlights when we
departed we had to double check the sign to make sure it didn´t say `Ginger
Wig Outlet´.
Then into Brasil where to some farm type place making me feel right at home.
Played loads of football saw the falls again before dropping intp Paruguay
for the day into a big maze of markets and the like which was cool except
people kept approaching Prescott and asking him if he was Malfoy from Harry
Potter or indeed the caddy from Happy Gilmore.
Then to Sao Paulo and Goiana and kipped in some Brazilian fellas house and
got lashed up big stylee. Just landed on the coast now for some serious sun
bathing (straight faces etc), the vest is out (they suit me, no really) the
flip flops are on. Tonight we go to a carnival which should be a cut above
the toffee apple, rain sodden, penny throwing affairs we have in England.

Right i´m off to get confused by Portuguese, buy a thong and soak up some
Ray (Meaghers) (Answers on a postcard as to who this much loved Home and
Away stalwart is)

Love J-Bo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A big moody Euro 2004 is rubbish hello,

Well since i last wrote i have been stunned (the france game and prescottsinability to leave men alone), satisfied (switzerland game and a quiet moment alone in the bathroom), delirious (croatia game and 14 hours worth of drinking) and devastated (portugal game and the news that dahl the parrot from neighbours has died).

We`ve now left Chile and the Honey Monster hostel owner and have been in Argentina for about 2 weeks. Argentina is class, most of this assesment is based on the fact that the women are beautiful, the beer is 40p a litre and the steaks are bigger than your average tractor wheel. Although we did buy some food the other day we thought was fish and it turned out to be tongue. Prescott said he now realised what it would be like to french kiss a cow. The big weirdo!

Been to the Moreno Glacier which is like a giant foxes glacier mint but moreamazing and less minty. Then an all dayer in Comodo (64) Rivadavia where we watched an Eng game got drunk ate far too much and then felt sick on the night bus. As most of the restaurants are all you can eat we`ve mostly been partaking in a game called “All you can eat…until you feel sick, can`t move and don`t want to live anymore”. Shopping is also a nightmare its like…

” Hello sir would you like a t-shirt, pair of shoes, socks, hat, goldfish, garden gnome…….no i fu*king don`t.

Then further north to a place called Bariloche where it has more rain than Rudolph the reindeer?? Here we drank most days using football as an excuse for all dayers as most games started at three and we often ended up getting back at 6 in the morning which made for frightening hangovers and even more frightening was Prescs morning breath. We then headed for a few days not on the piss but on the `piste` (see what i`ve done there – not funny is it?).

Here we had two days of hip 360`s and radical moves. Although in reality crashing into people, ski lifts and fences whilst shouting “gnarly” and “bodacious” isn`t good snowboarding form, although pushing your travelling partner off the ski lift is funny.

So to the fateful day of the Portugal game, armed with beer and my beard we sat down with a load of Jocks to watch the game, they continously cheered for the Portuguese so when Lampard equalised i nearly put one of them through a window (the english hooligans…never) then it was “gaypenaltytime”. In massive frustration the beard was swished off in about an hour revealing the face of a nine year old boy. That night we were forced to vacate our room bacause of the `snoring idiot´ this man decided it was perfectly acceptable to crank up his nasal passage to full volume not giving a thought to the fact that the building was about to collapse. All attempts to stop the fool i.e. throwing blankets, clocking him about the head with pillows and shouting “SHUT UP YOU F`ING KNOB” were in vain.

We`ve been in Mendoza for the last few days and have been Paragliding which was class. This involves them driving you to the top of a very large hill and then saying run, run, run. My answer was run where?? before i realised they meant off the cliff. This was great especially as i had the loonatic pilot who like to perform acrobatics (this feeling is much alike to a giant tipping you upside down and shaking you very hard after you`ve drank to many milkshakes). Presc declined the offer of acrobatics citing simply that he was afraid.

Yesterday it was wine tour time to 3 different places. In the first place the tour was given by the best looking woman in the world ever ™. For an hour we nodded insanely, forgot to listen and asked ridiculous questions like ” so this is wine then”…”do you like wine”…”can i marry you”. In complete contrast the next woman guide had a bigger beard than me or presc. Then we ate salami, cheese and drank more wine. She was amazing.

Tonight we go to Buenos Aires which is where people PARTY (annoying word the the North Americans have brainwashed us into saying).
 
 
Well done if you`ve read this far, my hands are killing me and thats mainly from having to slap off Prescotts unwanted advances every five minutes.

Love Briggadier xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx