One Night Stand

Buenos Dias from sunny Peru,
 
Well its been a while since Arsenal scraped thetitle at the lane. Although  our ramshackle team deserved the draw because of that buffon in the Arsenal  goal who bears a striking resemblance to a big circus clown.
 
Well recently we´ve been quite pro-active (i´m not a fan) and doing lots of  stuff. Wé moved on from Cusco by Bullet Train (i mean bus). Got on the bus  from hell 1 at 8pm in preparation for our 16 hour journey only to find that  my seat was the only mofo on the bus not to recline.Prescott laughed.  Anyway 4 seconds into the trip this little kid burst into song and i´m not  joking he was a worse singer than alco. After about 10 minutes of frantically trying to escape through a roof hatch
 the kid gave up. He then  walked around the bus expecting people to pay him. Me and Prescoid pretended  to be asleep. As the bus journey progressed it wasclear that we´d paid for some sort of adrenaline ride as the driver tore into corners at 80mph forgetting that we were driving on sheer cliff faces and regulary emptying water bottles and bags onto peoples heads. At 3am we discovered a landslide blocking our path anyway we arrived at 3pm the next day so you get the idea. 

Other entertainment on the bus included smelly people, an awful Van Damme movie on which Prescott commented how ´buff´ the Belgian bruiser was and a snippet of Porn!
 
Huacachina was our destination set in an Oasis (notthe popular rock combo from Manchester but a lovely sandy place with pee infested water) and we sandboraded and buggied till our large hearts were content. Went boozing that night and met some people from……..Yeovil and Taunton one of their dads owned the Glasto cider bus.
 

Bus journey from hell 2 to Nazca was much the same as bus journey no.1 but with flies. Got in a tiny plane very similar to
those polystyrene planes you had as a kid and flew above the Nazca lines which were basically giant animals carved into the ground, our pilot (local drunk) pointed and shouted ´MONKEEEEEE´ , ´SPIIIIIDA´, ´HUMMING BURD´ to alert
us to there whereabouts. Before doing all sorts of impossible top gun style manoevres and turning the engine off before we´d landed. To add to all this they explained that they might have been made by aliens. ( A bit scary Slonks).
After this saw loads of mummies which had been buried in tombs (again a bit scary) after this Prescott took his top off (very scary). Later that day got  approached by a pimp who pretended to be our mateand then offered us some 
chicas for $100. As he spoke no English we asked him why he was so ugly and what was that gold monstrosity in his mouth that he claimed to be a tooth.

 Got on another bus jouney from hell 3 at stupid o´clock before arriving in Arequipa.
 
Tea Break.
 
Watched Arsenal blah blah blah zzzzzzzzz, lost a bet to a Peruvian con artist. Got cultured and visited monastries with
 nuns (one winked at me and another flashed some thigh at Presco) and museumswith more mummies. Before getting a bus to Colca Canyon at 1am. gOT OFF ALLMARDY AT 6 AND HEADED DOWN INTO THE WILDERNESS (whoops) stopping only when nature called. Stayed at another Oasis in bamboo hut and got up at 4am to complete the hike avoiding 
wild donkies and lizards along the way. Saw somecondors (giant birds) and headed back to Arequipa.

Next day out to Misti a live volcano. After getting half way up we discovered we had no cooking utensils. So Prescott turned into Magyver and i turned into BA Barracusand we somehow cooked raw spaghetti and stuff. We congratulated each other warmly on our man skills. We had to start the 2nd days hiking at 1am in order to reach the summit for sun rise. Started out and it was really hard work Prescott moaning every 2 seconds about how the gravel was hurting his feet etc etc. After an hour Prescott (the gymnasium warrior) yelped ´don´t like it´ and gave up. So we had to give up and go all the way back down to basecamp.

Now Prescotts official excuse is altitude sickness but to keep you all awake i´m going to take a vote.
 
Why did we have to give up on climbing the volcano was it 
because……………..
 
a) Prescott is weak?
 
b) Prescott had altitude sickness?

c) Prescott was sitting in a bar the night before and heard some locals talking about a volcano monster?
 
Majority rules so i await your responses.
 
Leaving 2moro for Bolivia passing through a town called Puno where they have just murdered their mayor because he was diddlingmoney. Oo-er.
 
Other stuff:
 
Crazy old men holding giant rocks above their heads looking like they´ll throw them, inevitably do.
 
Crazy men shouting in roads have no care for oncoming traffic.
 
Standing up ugly Peruvian girls is acceptable whenthet look like they´ve been running into parked cars.
 
 
Sorry for the lengthy read, thanks for your mails.
 
Love James xxx (who could have reached the top………………………..)

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum,

Me and Prescott have been a bit bored recently as we´ve taken to the realms
of education once more and started having Spanish lessons we´ve now finished
and i´m fairly confident we can order a beer, a bag of chips and call
someone a f*cking son of a bitch. All good fun. Most of the lessons were
incredibly like those halycon days of university i.e. turning up to lectures
in no state to even raise your head of the table. For those of you who went
to uni with me, i spent much of my time daydreaming, scribbling on prescotts
book and wondering when i could go back to bed. For mum and dad, i learnt so
much and paid maximum attention. Our teachers were quite cool and we taught
him a few english swears which he kept repeating when stood next to english
girls. We hid.
Played football against them as well which was immense, i ran rings around
Prescott mocking him with samba flair as he woefully tried to contain the
Briggs masterclass.

Gut update: My stomach seems to have succumbed to some sort of internal
armageddon as i´ve been trying to invent new colours to match what lies
below me in the toilet pan. Any of you with any spare cash i urge you to
invest in the Peruvian toilet roll industry immediatly.

What else……..we went white rafting last week which was rip roaring fun,
got sidled with Thierry Henry lookalike so for most of trip i kept telling
him he couldn´t head for toffee and that he should watch out for his
teammates in the shower. This quite understandably was met with bemused
looks. Did a bit of body rapid surfing which was mental although i drank
half the river and had to put up with Prescott giggling like a schoolgirl as
the euphoria overtook his senses. We then jumped off some fat bridge and
Prescott tried to copy the Americans backflips. Everyone knows that this
would lead to invetible disaster as Prescott has all the athleticism of a
sloppy turd. CRASH BANG OWWW!!! Cue much muffled laughter from above. We
also had a safety kayaker called Rambo who lost control of his boat about
thirty twelve times. Very Reassuring.

Other things from Peru……

We saw the President he really looked a man of the people. Probably no
taller than a garden gnome and attired Partidge style in Bomber jacket and
jeans.

Guinea Pig tastes splendid although i had to turn down the head and claws.

They love a festival out here, not your Glastonbury or Creamfields mind, no
if someone so much as peels a banana or sneezes they bring out the brass
band and march for 6 hours… in a circle.

Everyone thinks Prescott is Prince William!!!!!

Anyway enough, enough. We´re off to a place called Ica today to do some
sandboarding and down the coast.

Will write personals soon, very soon. But Prescott the big lardy horse wants
food.

Briggsy xxxxxxxx

Ola Gringos, Just thought i'd drop you a quick line whilst the sun has gone in for 5 minutes. Where to start? Errrr its mental over here. Actually its very similar to Yeovil in the fact that many people don't speak ... [Continue reading this entry]