One Night Stand

Sabede ka (I think it means hello but could mean monkey bogies)

The Laos mentality: Laos people feel sorry for those who think too much.

The only country named after an insect or bug (wood) Laos…………continued my unabated adventure travel by flying in with Air Laos who have one of the worst safety records in the world. After that we needed some serious (no jokes or fun) relaxation which as it turns out would go down very well in Laos. A supremely laid back country where the national past time appeared to be either sleeping or sitting down doing nothing and staring into space. Fantastic.

Well it was until the Laos people gathered around us at 10pm mimicking a sleeping action and saying they needed to sleep, when we’d witnessed first hand them sleeping all day. They’d be all smiles and friendliness when taking your brekky order only to start walking off before turning around, laughing and saying they’d forgot. Probably scared them with pro-activeness when I hired the gayest bike of all time™, proper E.T. style with a little basket on front minus the brown alien and proceeded to cycle to nowhere, well sweatsville.

Met some interesting travel folk as well including one try hard, who was like ‘fashionable dad’ and kept popping things into the conversation like “Aren’t the White Stripes just the best band around at the moment” Well, no its clearly Girls Aloud, always has been.

Observed more Laos work ethic from the peace of a hammock and noted that it was 5 seconds graft followed by 5 minutes rest, the boss would just walk around kicking planks every so often before sitting down and staring into space.

Trying to get anything done was a complete nightmare as every mother hubbard was asleep, went to get a boat ticket the fella is asleep behind the counter, went to a bank and politely waited 6 hours for the girl to raise her head from the counter and out of cuckoo world.

Clearly a country after my own heart, I developed a real affinity for the Laos people and their point blank refusal to wake up for the day, I signed up to a ‘Love in Laos’ internet dating site, arranged a date with a local stunner, favourite hobby being lazy, only to see plans for residency scuppered as she didn’t turn up. She probably couldn’t be arsed choosing a sit down or was sound asleep, my poor bleeding heart will never know.

Hired the newest contender for most useless bike of the year 2006 with a seat quite obviously gay as it continually tried to insert itself in my bum. I tried to dispel this notion as a girl strolled past in a bikini which grabbed the attention of three monks who couldn’t resist a sneaky peek and one could be heard to exclaim ‘wai be colomchi bigger boobs than Jordan’. To quote Charles and Eddie “ Would I lie to you?”

Thought we’d treat ourselves by taking a V.I.P. bus to the capital unfortunately it seemed V.I.P. stood for ummm… Vind Inglish People (up)….um yeah. We were promised meal, drinks and t.v. We got a mini swiss roll and 2 (count them) sweets, as for a t.v. they said chances are there was a transvestite on board. It was time to succumb to valium!!

As i slipped into a land of penquins playing the drums with icepoles and horses having banjo lessons with giraffes our destination didn’t seem too far off, after spending 5 hours in la la la land it became apparent that we’d been broken down on the side of the road for well, the last 5 hours. So we transferred to the local bus which was full. Never fear they had a solution, put tiny stools in the aisle for all us V.I.P. folk. With the valium still coursing around the veins I spent the next four hours, falling asleep at 3 second intervals, swaying violently in 360 degree circles due to the ergonomics (posh word) of the stool, thus unknowingly backwards headbutting, shoulder barging and elbow dropping the clearly alarmed locals.

In the capital then and I donned my ‘Lucky’ t-shirt to hit the streets. Which is where the t-shirt came through with flying (mostly brown and white) colours.

Luck No.1: A bird pooed on me. Ha.
Luck No.2: I cut my toe open. Ha Ha.
Luck No.3: The beer factory we visited was closed. Hady facking Ha.

As you can imagine the only thing in stitches was….

1.That idiot bird
2.My toe (quite literally)
3.My liver

I served my revenge by getting impossibly drunk and then the tables were turned on me again as a filthy hangover took its toll….DOH!

I laughed freely again the next day as I put a bike stand through my toe, ha ha brilliant I nearly cried until someone gave me a Mr Men plaster. Finally got to this big cave thing and was delighted to find the skeleton piano from the Goonies, you know the one where Andy isn’t sure which note to play and Mikey cracks that classic line “If you hit the wrong note we’ll all be flat” luckily we escaped the Fratellis with nothing but another cut on my foot.

Next up some tubing down the mighty Mekong river where locals pulled you into their bars with a big bamboo pole, forced beer and local hoembrew spirit (so good they named it twice) lao-lao down our throats, then pointed to huge rope swings, cliffs and jumps from which to risk castration, collapsed lungs and frizzy hair.

Bus ride up to Luang Prabang (gangbang) flanked by an orange hairded scotsgirl and an orange toga attired monk, the next 8 hours were spent in a shoulder barging contest with said monk for arm space, we finally made friends when he gave me his autograph and I told him I was UK chief Jelly Baby tester, although he blatently didn’t give a fack as he was too busy puffing on cigarettes, taking phone calls, sending dirty texts to nuns and going for a new record on snake.

I’d go on but I have to go to the immigration office to take a sleeping test to stay in the country.

Love Briggsy xxx

P.S. I failed for sleep talking and snoring

Cam eron Diaz bodia!

Cambodia was a great country the people here were amazingly friendly, always smiling and pretty funny as well, loads of cute kids trying to sell you useless stuff. Loads of brilliant animals just wandering onto roads such as Water Buffalo, pigs and cows getting beeped at by oncoming vehicles, before probably mumbling “moo-f*cks sake – oink” and trundling off to the side of the
road again.

Phnom Phen, the capital was an interesting place, went to the Killing Fields where thousands of cambodians were killed in mass genocide, their skulls, bones and clothes all piled high to serve as a reminder of an atrocity that should never be forgotten. The same day we visited a former school which was taken over by the Khymer Rouge (not the same as gay Moulin Rouge) and used
as a place of torture (perhaps the same as Moulin Rouge after all). Understanding the nature of these acts was extremely difficult given the lack of knowledge i had surrounding these years, yet you couldnt help but be overwhelmed after seing countless pictures of the murdered and testimonies from friends and families who literally saw loved ones vanish simply never to be seen again.

On a more lighter note February the 14th and Valentines Day. As i woke my heart was fluttering, this was an incredibly steamy day for me, mostly due to the fact it was 30 degrees by 9am. Unfortunately i had to call the police early doors as i opened myroom to find that someone had stolen all my valentines cards. Decided to take out my sorrow on an evil looking man made
of paper at the gun range! As we entered we were handed a menu with Coke, Fanta, AK47, Hand Grenade, 7-Up, Rocket Launcher, Tizer and Anti Aircraft Missiles on the menu. Rumours abound that for an additional $100 you could buy a cow, presumably the money going to the cows family. I opted for a cheap bond style Colt 45 and proceed to handle the weapon like an absolute retard before popping some caps off and discovering that i’d nailed ‘Mr Paper Bad Dude’ in the jugular and through the heart (how romantic!)

A mad session with 0 minutes sleep saw us hop on a bus only to be roused by BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, THUD and saw a cow wobbling in the middle of the road, with my sympathies to cows in Cambodia we landed in Siem Reap. Here they have huge, huge temples, as the sun rose above them and the murk and gloom lifted many people went ahhhhhhhhh, unfortunately this magical moment was lost on me as i want urgggghh and legged it off to the nearest tree to pay my respects with the contents of my stomach, ‘laughing sodding cow cheese baguette’ and all (the cows get their revenge!). I was on my way to bed quicker than you can say tuk tuk.

Decided to revisit the temples of doom and barf, this time on a crapped out bike, chatting with cambodian english students (minus the daft haircuts and top man clothes), i was in a great mood what could possibly go wrong this time……..
Had a good look around observing the monks dreaming of cold beer and hot birds before grabbing my bike only to see my front tyre was flatter than a pancake that had been sat on by 10 horses. As i hopelessly tried to fix it i was savaged by a nest of red ants who bit so hard they left blisters the size of watermelons. Sulking aside the temples were cool.

Did a couple of days voluntary work in some schools, in the vain hope that Angelina Jolie would show up, marvel at my deep soul, bin off Brad Armpit, and run away with me to heaven. As you approach the schools by rubbish push bike, the kids all run inside the classrooms before saying Hello teacher how are you today, you then have to tell them to sit down or they will just stay
stood up!

Taught some basic english and was amazed at how eager and attentive the kids were. On the 2nd day i was the new P.E.teacher in town, first up CRICKET! having all the knowledge of a goldfish suffering complete memory loss, i wasnt confident of producing another Freddie Flintoff. Pretended i knew how to ball and taught the kids useful phrases such as HOWZAT! (which may possibly useful when they work in the tourism industry ie. HOWZAT soup you’ve got there).

Played some football and taught them how to pass and how to say PASS, which would be ultimately useless in everyday life unless they appeared on Blockbusters and became stumped by Bob Holness! As i dictated play from the back the kids couldnt quite manage to say teacher instead calling me Cher! They were probably taking the pass as i wrapped in an O.G! thinking that i looked like the daft he/she singer sitting astride a cannon on a warship, whilst belting out ‘if i could turn back time i wouldve scored more goals’!

From one school to another then and as we left some schoolkids chased us on a bike, after they’d been calling me James Bond i thought they were just messing about so playfully fired imaginary bullets at their heads whilst making the PUEW, PUEW sound, 10 minutes later when they finally caught up we realised that they had the keys to the next school….whoops!

Arrived at the next school on my own and gave the kids some plates to draw on their favourite meals and write the words next it, five minutes later and they came up having just coloured in the plates, i persevered teaching them the alphabet, before realising that i was in the wrong classroom and these kids didnt even learn english yet! All in all a great experience, set in a beautiful country where cows wander in and out of football and dodgeball games!!

Right now i’m in Laos which is lazy heaven! Obviously i stand around tutting at the peoples complete lack of interest in anything resembling activity.

Hugs for the girls and playfights for the lads

Briggsy xxx

Thighland ! So Thailand then and no sign of any neck apparell for my impending return to a working life, i was immediatly made to feel welcome as my taxi from the airport belted out classics such as Darius who's apparently ... [Continue reading this entry]