Sid Knee!
Monday, February 28th, 2005A big overcast/hungover hello from Sydney,
Just finished work for the day and had a surf!! Decided to get in touch as have been lazy/braindead/hungover for the last three days.
Just about sorted my self out now after wasting the first 3 weeks living like a fresher student and 17 year old. Started off with a week in Singapore with an ‘old’ (quite literally – sorry Browny) friend from uni. He kindly put me up made me drink beer at five pound a pint and even let me train with his footy team, its safe to say they don’t need to water the pitches anymore after I sweated two gallons of amber nectar onto the floor. Also saw Lee Westwood (golfer) and chatted to an FHM model without even knowing it (doh).
Sampled a natural hangover cure which made me feel 10 times worse. Admired ‘The 4 floors of whores’ from a distance, after one of the footballers brush with a manwoman, declined a singapore sling on the account that i didn’t need one as i had no limbs broken, opting for the yard of ale.
Then i sat next to a man who found it necessary to fart at random intervals which attacked the senses like standing down wind of a body odour appreciation club. Moved into the hostel where the first person i met said there was a phantom urinater who woke in the middle of the night and inexplicably peed in the nearest bed…..i opted for a top bunk.
Done all the touristy things which are very grand and was naturally very annoyed when a female swedish contingent started to form in my dorm, i did my very best not to mention saunas and nakedness.
60 Second No Breathing Round-Up…….
Saw the Fosters Pit Girl bikini final shouting ‘YES’ at random intervals, eaten umpteen kebabs, took the piss out of hard bastard scottish types realised that those weren’t smiles but growls and ran. Dug a big hole on Bondi Beach and buried people to their necks, ripped a hole in my jeans doing a Michael J Fox ‘Back To The Future’ style knee slide, went to a Belgian bar where the weakest beer was Stella (ut oh), laughed painfully as a girl did a triple overhead selko swivel turn as she drunkenly fell down some stairs.Tried to convince Aussies that the singer Desree is in fact a band with Des and Ray as lead singers, did convince American girls that rose thorns represent shark fins and in the rest of the world they point the other way.Went to the zoo where there were monkies (nuff said), signed for Glebe Wanderers F.C. and forgot to tell them that i was a goalkeeper. Also signed for KFC (great burgers). Met Paul Merton who was a very nice bloke Got told i looked like Heath Ledger by someone who looked like Snarf from Thundercats.
Whilst out on the town we had a Danish girl in our midst (surely not a bad thing i hear you cry) but nooooooooo she steadfastly refused to understand the round system,
Note to the Danish Government:
When educating minors please make note of the round system.
‘ we buy you a drink you buy us a drink’
Note to the Japanese Government:
Taking photos of seagulls and sand whilst fully attired on the beach is very odd.
Anyway after all this tomfoolery i have actually been working for the last couple of weeks. I’m working on (James) Bondi Beach hiring deck chairs and surf boards which is obviously a nightmare given the tendency for most females to sunbathe topless and the fact that i start at 10.30am. My boss is a bit of a nutter as well calling most blokes ‘bloody poofters’ and most girls ‘lovely dames’ he also has a fondness for saying the words ‘shithouse’ and ‘mongrel’ lots and yesterday i tallied how many times he said mate (pronounced maaaaaaaayrT, an incredible 4371 would you believe.
Just moved into an apartment in Bondi with 2 Swedish girls and 2 Irish lads the funny thing is i can actually understand the Swedes better! I’ve been caught a few times nodding and laughing and blindly answering ‘yes’ at Troy the Irish fella when he’s actaully been asking me what i’d been doing.
Even managed to meet up with my old partner in crime James Prescott where we got rather drunk and unbeknown to his girlfiend kept going back to the same bar because the barmaid was hotter than the inside of a microwaved pasty, our official line was that the peanuts were delicious.
Also met up with Newsome another uni cohort where we played the ‘First Pub Olympics’ games including kick the flip flop onto the furthest umbrella (not kick the flip flop onto the hotel roof next door) and how many people you can high five between pubs (although high fiving one person continously is against newsomes rules and he interpreted the game as ‘beat crap out of briggs’). Newsome lost but did win a prize for being the person to fall asleep within 0.3 seconds of hitting the pillow and then snoring louder than a wilderbeast with a megaphone up each nostril.
The definition of irony (almost)………
…………. nearly died last week, whilst reading ‘;MAN STRUCK BY
LIGHTNING’ article, the building we were in was then ‘STRUCK BY LIGHTNING’. The tip of the lightning a metre or so above our heads. Needless to say pants were soiled and everytime there was the merest hint of a flash we hit the deck quicker than Prescott after a couple of pints.
I need the loo…..be back soon. Feel free to look away for a while or make a cup of tea.
Better.
Last week took it upon myself to teach myself to surf so board in hand hit the waves of Bondi Beach, stood up for approximately 3 one thousandthhhs (or however you spell it) of a second before scraping along the seabed for quarter of an hour. Also was told to look out for ‘Blueboxes’?. I was like ‘oh right a hot new dance act’. In actual fact a bloody (rowntrees) jelly fish with a huge tentacle which likeS to attack people called Briggs’ toes. I spent the rest of my time popping them with knitting needles. Just been
surfing again today and am certainly getting better although no one has approached me with an application form for the World Surf Championships.
Fools.
Take care for nnow
James (hot beach guy) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
jamesbriggs11