How The West Was Won/Done/Taken Up The Bum!
Thursday, November 24th, 2005Seeing as christmas is just around the corner i thought i’d treat you to a gargantuan (what?) mail.
Since the last time i picked my nose and prodded at small plastic squares a lot has been drank, eaten and done. Let me tell you all about Westlife, they are managed by Ronan Keating (probably gay) consist of four Irish oiks one of them has confessed to a liking of the rusty sheriff badge and Brian Mcfatten quit in controversy.
Err yeah, so this is the official story of the west coast/life. Started off in Broome where i proceeded to clean up (groan/boo), spent most of the time on Cable (guy) Beach which was a beauty, although we spent most of our time diving for cover as wings with rats constantly hovered above us aiming their
digested fish and chips over our heads.
The Wildlife continued to treat us with disdain when we did a camel ride at sunset, the camels were obviously delighted to be lugging around fat backpackers at they let this known by barking, guffawing and honking at regular intervals, one mad mofo took a liking to my t-shirt and constantly appeared alongside flashing his brown gums and melting my arm with his breath. Later on i learned about the phrase ‘p*ssing like a camel’ as the camel drained themselves for a good five minutes in what can only be likened to a monsoon under a furry canopy?!
I also thought i was becoming a schizophrenic…….
8.02pm Sensitive James Moment: The beautiful sunset made me want to sob at natures amazing beauty.
8.04pm Bloke James Moment: After letting out a load mouth trumpet burp, before stumbling into the sand dunes and weeing on a dead sea snake.
Then it was time to head it into the wilderness with nothing for 400kms, scary especially if you’ve seen Wolf Creek (this incidently is the long awaited follow up to Dawsons Creek starring the long haired fella from Gladiators). Then it was onto Karinjini to look at some ‘Gorgeous Gorges’ (said in deep husky yorkshire accent). Eventaully swam in some rock pools after letting the OAP Germans dip their toes in first to see if the crocs
were hungry. We lasted about 4.3 seconds after jumping in sh*tting it, then hopping out saying the waters cold (it was warm) and that their might be a limit on people in the water at any one time (their was only us).
After realising our beer supply was getting depleted we spied a place on themap called Tom Price, we set off in earnest hoping that we were off to meet the legendary brother of Fisher, in the vain hope of snaffling one of those plastic old school record players to replace our sh*tbag cd player which skipped more than Blanno on his way to work. It was about this time when i
started to develop ‘THE RASH’ !!! After a few days i liked like one of thoseglobal hypercolour t-shirts and was placed an antibiotics, nice one doc, but can i still drink with these.
Then we ventured further into isolation but saw more amazing beaches around the Ningaloo (reportedly home to many japanese swordsmens toilets) Marine Park. Here we duelled with old speedo wearing people as to who could stay awake the longest. At 9.51pm we caved in given the lack of booze and or anything to do. Who says youth is wasted on the young.
One of the highlights had to be a whale tour, when we visited America to see how obesity was rife. Not really we got in a boat to witness future bars of soap do their migratory thing. They were class and we even got to hear their mating calls which sounded disturbingly like the crazy frog ring tone and scatman johns de ba ba dad doh classic. Sad blubberry mammals.
In dire need of nightlife we ventured to a pub to witness the very
appropriatly titled band ‘Nasty Little Rash’ to be kind to them they were absolutely dreadful, but redeemed themselves when the lead singer lost the plot and started kicking and punching things before crying like Alco when he realised the chip shop was closed. When asked why he was crying he said he had an international recording contract. The word Bullsh*t could be heard under countless coughing fits.
Next Monkey Mia where disapointly there were no monkeys, save for ourselves. There however loads of dolphins, after shrugging off initial disapointment that they weren’t from Miami, i was chosen to feed one of these beautiful things, after grabbing a fish, the cute dolphin lied on its side, thinking wow this is awesome, he then opened his mouth to reveal what can only be
described as the most minging teeth ever. It looked as though he’d been drinking sunny delight at 5 minute intervals forever beofre settling down toa poo sandwich for each meal. I can confirm that Dolphins are not cute in the slightest.
Back to the cities then. By the time we’d reached Perth the antibiotics werelying on the side of the motorway and i was closely studying the inside of a beer bottle.
Right thats the story of Westlife. I’m going to go now as my arms are hurting, but i’ll leave you with this cliff hanger.
My arms hurt because….
a) everyone in Australia is ticklish (fact) and i can’t resist tickling them
b) last week i got married to the ginger one from Hollyoaks and had to carry her over the threshold
c) long emails are stupid
Hope winter finds you all well and wearing silly coats and hats. Off to watch Oasis next week, can’t wait. Although will probably have to.
Much Love
James xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
jamesbriggs11