One Night Stand

Dear One and All,

Unfortunately it appears Lisa Riley and Vanessa Feltz are duetting as James Michael Prescott and I are back in the motherland now after 5 months on the road in South America. I am pleased to report that we are both alive (or
Prescott was. The last time I saw him he was about to tell his missus about his ‘secret’ lust for men with tattoos and bikes).

The last month in Brazil was more loopy than Alton Towers. The carnival we went to was top drawer in a (brazil) nutshell you pay £25 for the most uminous t-shirt that you could imagine (Prescott was naturally delighted). They started the procession with a huge dinosaur roar, which was completely unnecessary as we both ducked and soiled our pants
simultaneously. The next 5 hours were spent dancing around a huge truck  with a group called Nana Banana (nothing to do with dinosaurs)?! playing above.

Next day we got up at 7.30am after an hours sleep and headed to Jericoacoara (affectionately nicknamed Jerry Maguire) hear we settled down to catch some rays and get licked in inanimate places by dogs. That night was heavier  than
Geoff Capes giving Rik Waller a piggy back, after 6 beers and 4 capirinhas(local spirit) Prescott and I were a bit overwhelmed by the alcohol and descended into a “You’re more gay”….”No, no you’re more gay” argument. Anyway we decided that Prescott was in fact more gay and stormed off in separate directions, as a peace offering I bought him another drink but he sloped off after meeting up with a man who’d overheard our argument and told him it was ok! Anyway I ended up necking these two drinks, explaining to 2 Americans how I liked Canadians better than them, before losing my
underpants (Presc also complained he lost his. Although a biker was seen with them on his aerial the next day), ended up barfing in a strangers room and having to change my shorts twice as aforementioned sick was drawn magnetically to shorts.

Then down the coast to Natal where we bought a footy and made our debuts on the beach. Presc and I were humbled by a dad and his 2 kids both under the age of 10. Whilst in Natal Prescott kept buying limes to try and bleach the ginger from his hair this was acceptable until he returned from the fruitand veg stall with courgettes and disappeared into the bathroom for hours on end. Then down the coast again to Prai da Pipa for days in the sun and watching monkies from our hammocks. Then Salvador and pretended that we loved local music.We then got on a bus where everyone was more excited than Prescott after hearing Will Young was moving to Bristol. For the next 27 and a half hours we put our legs around our heads became toilet attendants and served water toeveryone. Luckily we were sat next to the toilet as everyones bladders failed at the same time. Fortunately the bus was taking us to Rio!!!!Rio was tree-mendous. We went to Copacabana beach although Prescotts shortcut through the beach gym to observe was a bit unnecessary. We saw
some girl get knocked flat on here arse by a huge wave which was hilarious untilwe both entered the surf and were continually tripped and wrestled to the sea bed. Apparently the thong clad ladies were mighty impressed by the
amount of water we’d swallowed without chundering. We did all the touristy stuff such as Sugarloaf mountain, Copacabana and the big statue of Christ. The big man himself wouldn’t have been happy with us though because blasphemy was ripe on the beaches, we seemed to be surrounded by amazing women all the time. So every time we looked up to see thong clad lovelies it was like “OH MY GOD”, “JESUS CHRIST” and “HOLY MACKERAL”.

For some reason we were drawn back to the beaches, especially Sector 9 where all the hip and body beautiful people were (we fitted in really well, no really), day after day. One day whilst sat on the beach Prescott suddenly sprang to his feet, started jumping up and down whilst shouting “I WANT FACTOR 8”. Assuming that he was on about suntan cream I informed him matter of factly “Prescott if you wear factor 8 you will burn the sun is very strong in Rio”. When I listened more carefully though he was actually ranting that he wanted ‘SECTOR 8’, which is where the Sailors and bottom
ticklers gathered. Also went to the Maracana the home of Brasilian football and watched Flamengo. The fans had some class tunes, the best one went something like this. FLAMMY – FLAMMY – FLAMENGO, FLAMMY – FLAMMY – FLAMENGO, FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-MEN-GOOOOOOOOOO. (If you aren’t at work sing it out loud its very catchy far better than that Natascha Doublebeddingcowfield)).Went hangliding over Rio as well which produced unnecessary sweat and bowel twitches but was class all the same especially as Prescott got tangled in a rope leaving him with a rope burn on his neck (this theory was later discredited and established as a lovebite from his pilot). Nights in Rio were spent watching Prescott experiment with hair straighteners ‘mixing with the locals’ and explaining that the ‘wrist rotation’ dance was better than samba.
The last few days were spent on an Island called Ilha Grande (translating  as Island Big). It was big and was an island so they were spot on really. Did  bit of surfing and played a massive game of beach footy where we were comprehensively destroyed.

Back to reality then with our tans not as good as first thought, we were busted at Heathrow stealing Orange felt tips from John Menzies. I’d like to think that Presc and I are ‘better’ people from our experiences but I think‘fatter’ would be more appropriate.(My excuse is that lots of food i.e. cakes and biscuits were called Brigadeiro which meant I had to eat them).
Oh well time to get a job and watch skateboarders overtake the British Isles.

Also I’d like to thank J.M.P. for putting up with us for the last five  months but there was no need
to try and climb into my bed on the last night.

Love and Man Love
James xxxxxxxxxxxx

Bom dia from Brasiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil,

Been ages since i plonked my white backside down for a lengthy mail, no real
excuse other than being a bit lazy. In that time we have been in 4
countries.
First there was the hedonism and crazy nights of Buenos Aires where we
encountered all sorts of deranged folk and permanently ruined our
bodyclocks. Most nights people go out at 3am (back in england i´d be safely
tucked up with a kebab on my face, fully clothed and with half a litre of
dribble on my pillow) and head back around 9 or 10 in the morning. One night
old Presco thought he´d fondle a young ladies backside safe amongst the
throngs of partygoers, in a flash said young lady was raining down blows on
Prescotts arms and shouting expletives at him. Hilarious. Then he tried to
apologise which resulted in a further volley of swear words. The boy has
charm! Other nights he stayed in saying it would be too dangerous to see how
the men reacted to such bottom caresses. More nights we went to Bum and Face
clubs (derum and bass), some weird tranny place (rumour has it that presc
was spotted clutching an application form)where ladies parts fell
seductively from their knickers.
Went to Pacha a few times which was absolutely class the hjighlight being
when we went out with this German girl who regrettably had her camera
stolen. She then proceeded to spend the next 30 minutes blamimg a midget
because she was the perfect size to steal it!!! as if the vertically
challenged people didn´t have it hard enough the next day was spent at the
police station with rants such as…. it vas ze midget, perfect height!!
Went to Bocas Juniors stadium situated next to the most polluted river in
the world, 7 out of 10 people who fall in there die!!! Prescott naturally
declined my offer for a Gladiators style joust match above the river.
Went to Uruguay for a day hired some scooters and recreated that adidas
advert for about 7 hours. Onto the road again with the usual fare of
warbling children, old ladies snoring through megaphones and leaking roofs.
In the morning quite deranged from the bus journey i bought a spiderman mask
and strolled thorugh the bus station. prescott chuckled everyone else looked
a bit scared.
Met some Argentinians who took us to the World rally championship in Cordoba
where cars drive very quickly next to drunk people on grass verges. Also
went to (Robert) Rosario where Che Guevre first lived its not all beer and
skittles you know). Then to Iguzu Falls perhaps the biggest waterfall in the
world ever. Imagine getting on a bus needing a wee with no toilet for 10
hours, then having that wee. Times that by about a million and your half way
there. Impressive. Took a boat ride underneath them which got us wet.
Prescott naturally tried to hide under seats, screamed like a girl and ended
up closing his eyes and whispering to me “tell me when its over”. Whilst
hear we ended up in a hairdressers and decided on some highlights when we
departed we had to double check the sign to make sure it didn´t say `Ginger
Wig Outlet´.
Then into Brasil where to some farm type place making me feel right at home.
Played loads of football saw the falls again before dropping intp Paruguay
for the day into a big maze of markets and the like which was cool except
people kept approaching Prescott and asking him if he was Malfoy from Harry
Potter or indeed the caddy from Happy Gilmore.
Then to Sao Paulo and Goiana and kipped in some Brazilian fellas house and
got lashed up big stylee. Just landed on the coast now for some serious sun
bathing (straight faces etc), the vest is out (they suit me, no really) the
flip flops are on. Tonight we go to a carnival which should be a cut above
the toffee apple, rain sodden, penny throwing affairs we have in England.

Right i´m off to get confused by Portuguese, buy a thong and soak up some
Ray (Meaghers) (Answers on a postcard as to who this much loved Home and
Away stalwart is)

Love J-Bo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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