Down Under & Out
Monday, January 2nd, 2006Happy World Cup Year!
Right i’m further behind in my updates than Prescott in any running race….ever. Um Melbourne then and we were naturally disapointed that Kylie Minogue, Ian Smith (Harold…aww madge) and Anne Charleston were no where to be seen. It began with the mother of all week long sessions with the melbourne cup thrown in the mix there equivalent of the grand national came
out 180 bucks to the good but lost all of that to a barman.
Took in 2 ‘cross rules’ games which is a game where the referee explains the laws of the game in an angry way. Nah not really its aussie rules and gaelic football combined and is a good excuse for big blokes with mullets to kick the muck out of freckly irish boys.
Finally we took part in a meet the neighbours doo dah where we met Karl Kennedy, Boyd???? and Cindy???? no sign of Annalise, Charlene, Henry, Brad or Bouncer. Was a good laugh although things get out of hand when Dr Karl caught me sneaking admiring glances at Susan (see picture).
Got a few jobs…………
‘Painting in Heroin Park’
Did some paiting of big leaves? Not in one of melbournes finer locations we were left to our own devices after excitable bosses came in proclaiming the painting of leaves to be awesome (since when), anyway we were treated to people shooting (hoops) up in the park, ejecting randomers who walked in pretending to sell nail guns, before deciding he was on the phone to his mum, after i kicked him out, he told me not to get and i quote ‘flaming aggro’!? (sounds like a nasty willy disease).
Next up was ‘Beachcomber Cafe’
The job description was a waiter, easy i thought i can wait, i always have to wait for buses and queues in tesco, in actual i had to be very active. Here i was forced to wear a nasty orange t-shirt or alternatively a nasty blue t-shirt, doing all sorts of turd jobs under the watchful eyes of git bosses who said we weren’t allowed too talk to fellow co-workers. Blatenetly flaunting such nonense under the freedom of human rights act, i used to
bugger around no end.
I was mainly on the juice bar! which meant i had to give cakes to people. I have to say whilst working here i developed a large ego to go with my large haircut, as i strutted around with aussie ladies licking their lips in my direction, muttering ‘beautiful’ , ‘oooo look at that’ and other phrases like ‘its too die for’ . Its only just dawned on me that i resemble a hippy and what they were actually referring to were the big slices of chocolate gateux and cheesecake (incidently not made from cheese….still)
Nearly sacked…. once getting asked what i was doing i had to think on my feet quick and pulled a pen from my pocket saying that i was testing it to see if the clicker mechanism worked, i clicked it showing the boss and saying it did, needless to say he didn’t fall on the floor splitting his sides, but made me clean up some cigarette butts.
Nipped back to Sydney to watch Oasis which was class, went to Pin Oak Court better known as Ramsay St and dashed around posing for photos staging cricket matches and even a famous ‘oh no your leaving in a taxi to the airport and won’t come back ever again so we’ll have to get the whole street to stand outide doug willis’ house and cry whilst a dog chases the taxi down the street’ photo.
Many many sessions in the like of Cushion followed by Traffic (nicknamed tragic), got eaten by bed bugs, broke into the commonwealth stadium and visited the Great Ocean Road which really was great. Took in Bells Beach which is where they filmed Point Break tried to recreate movie scenes but beer had killed all brain cells and couldn’t remeber any Partrick Swayze quotes (although prescott knows lots to dirty dancing) so just ran upstairs spouting rubbish before stubbing toe (just like the swayzemeister). Spied rare aussie echidna which surprisingly hid as we tossed rocks towards it.
2 days left then and still no sign of the Wizard of Oz, time to leave Melbourne which has been my favourite city so one final last night and then…..
8.30am Train leaves Melbourne for Sydney light one passenger
8.30am James lies face down in a bean bag cemented to it by drool.
10am Got woken by cleaners, feel dreadful, slope off to real bed
8pm Make up lies, get night train
So back to Sydney where it all began…sorry if the writing becomes smudged now, i’m crying…..sob, sob, boo, hoo. Check out the Blue Mountains and discover that they aren’t blue at all and its some ploy by the tourist board to attract to people who’s favourite colour is blue (they got me hook, line and stinker). Final day surfing on Bondi punctuated with 10 minute misty eyed moments on the shore which i use as an excuse for reflection after getting dragged along the sea bed for 43 minutes and ran over by other mad dogs of the ocean.
A farewell tune then sung to that James Blunt song………
Goodbye Australia, goodbye suntan, you have been the one, you have been the one for me,I’ve drank your beer, ran away from your snakes, i’ve kissed your girls and served your cakes,
I’ve had your rashes, got bitten by bugs but now i’m fine, look at me (you galaar) i swear its true, i’ll miss you?????????????
oh sod it………..
Hope everyone had a good christmas and new year, i’m in New Zealand now which is opposite Old Zealand not sure which i prefer yet, will let you know.
Love James xxxxxxxxxxx
jamesbriggs11