Today In Laos…..nothing happened?!
Friday, March 31st, 2006Sabede ka (I think it means hello but could mean monkey bogies)
The Laos mentality: Laos people feel sorry for those who think too much.
The only country named after an insect or bug (wood) Laos…………continued my unabated adventure travel by flying in with Air Laos who have one of the worst safety records in the world. After that we needed some serious (no jokes or fun) relaxation which as it turns out would go down very well in Laos. A supremely laid back country where the national past time appeared to be either sleeping or sitting down doing nothing and staring into space. Fantastic.
Well it was until the Laos people gathered around us at 10pm mimicking a sleeping action and saying they needed to sleep, when we’d witnessed first hand them sleeping all day. They’d be all smiles and friendliness when taking your brekky order only to start walking off before turning around, laughing and saying they’d forgot. Probably scared them with pro-activeness when I hired the gayest bike of all time™, proper E.T. style with a little basket on front minus the brown alien and proceeded to cycle to nowhere, well sweatsville.
Met some interesting travel folk as well including one try hard, who was like ‘fashionable dad’ and kept popping things into the conversation like “Aren’t the White Stripes just the best band around at the moment” Well, no its clearly Girls Aloud, always has been.
Observed more Laos work ethic from the peace of a hammock and noted that it was 5 seconds graft followed by 5 minutes rest, the boss would just walk around kicking planks every so often before sitting down and staring into space.
Trying to get anything done was a complete nightmare as every mother hubbard was asleep, went to get a boat ticket the fella is asleep behind the counter, went to a bank and politely waited 6 hours for the girl to raise her head from the counter and out of cuckoo world.
Clearly a country after my own heart, I developed a real affinity for the Laos people and their point blank refusal to wake up for the day, I signed up to a ‘Love in Laos’ internet dating site, arranged a date with a local stunner, favourite hobby being lazy, only to see plans for residency scuppered as she didn’t turn up. She probably couldn’t be arsed choosing a sit down or was sound asleep, my poor bleeding heart will never know.
Hired the newest contender for most useless bike of the year 2006 with a seat quite obviously gay as it continually tried to insert itself in my bum. I tried to dispel this notion as a girl strolled past in a bikini which grabbed the attention of three monks who couldn’t resist a sneaky peek and one could be heard to exclaim ‘wai be colomchi bigger boobs than Jordan’. To quote Charles and Eddie “ Would I lie to you?”
Thought we’d treat ourselves by taking a V.I.P. bus to the capital unfortunately it seemed V.I.P. stood for ummm… Vind Inglish People (up)….um yeah. We were promised meal, drinks and t.v. We got a mini swiss roll and 2 (count them) sweets, as for a t.v. they said chances are there was a transvestite on board. It was time to succumb to valium!!
As i slipped into a land of penquins playing the drums with icepoles and horses having banjo lessons with giraffes our destination didn’t seem too far off, after spending 5 hours in la la la land it became apparent that we’d been broken down on the side of the road for well, the last 5 hours. So we transferred to the local bus which was full. Never fear they had a solution, put tiny stools in the aisle for all us V.I.P. folk. With the valium still coursing around the veins I spent the next four hours, falling asleep at 3 second intervals, swaying violently in 360 degree circles due to the ergonomics (posh word) of the stool, thus unknowingly backwards headbutting, shoulder barging and elbow dropping the clearly alarmed locals.
In the capital then and I donned my ‘Lucky’ t-shirt to hit the streets. Which is where the t-shirt came through with flying (mostly brown and white) colours.
Luck No.1: A bird pooed on me. Ha.
Luck No.2: I cut my toe open. Ha Ha.
Luck No.3: The beer factory we visited was closed. Hady facking Ha.
As you can imagine the only thing in stitches was….
1.That idiot bird
2.My toe (quite literally)
3.My liver
I served my revenge by getting impossibly drunk and then the tables were turned on me again as a filthy hangover took its toll….DOH!
I laughed freely again the next day as I put a bike stand through my toe, ha ha brilliant I nearly cried until someone gave me a Mr Men plaster. Finally got to this big cave thing and was delighted to find the skeleton piano from the Goonies, you know the one where Andy isn’t sure which note to play and Mikey cracks that classic line “If you hit the wrong note we’ll all be flat” luckily we escaped the Fratellis with nothing but another cut on my foot.
Next up some tubing down the mighty Mekong river where locals pulled you into their bars with a big bamboo pole, forced beer and local hoembrew spirit (so good they named it twice) lao-lao down our throats, then pointed to huge rope swings, cliffs and jumps from which to risk castration, collapsed lungs and frizzy hair.
Bus ride up to Luang Prabang (gangbang) flanked by an orange hairded scotsgirl and an orange toga attired monk, the next 8 hours were spent in a shoulder barging contest with said monk for arm space, we finally made friends when he gave me his autograph and I told him I was UK chief Jelly Baby tester, although he blatently didn’t give a fack as he was too busy puffing on cigarettes, taking phone calls, sending dirty texts to nuns and going for a new record on snake.
I’d go on but I have to go to the immigration office to take a sleeping test to stay in the country.
Love Briggsy xxx
P.S. I failed for sleep talking and snoring
jamesbriggs11