It’s Woah Time!
Thursday, February 2nd, 2006How do?
I’m more out of touch then Prescott with fashion, or Slonks with hairstyles, or Blanno with fitness for that matter. This is New Zealand then………
As usual now, i sleep through my alarm, miss the airport bus and poo small barge boats out of my pasty backside, some jobsworth airline woman has a go at me, i grunt, shrug and somehow end up in New Zealand.
After a quick tour of Christchurch (lacking in christ and churches) we headed out to check out what New Zealand was famous for.. errrr sheep and Dame Kiri Takanawa, ended up at some smashing deserted beaches where we spied moving rocks??? No in fact sea lions had a great laugh as they barked and guffawed at us, until we realised that they had gums and smells unimaginable outside of the likes of Yeovil and an All Blacks laundry basket. Same day, more mentalness as this fella strode out from behind some rocks with a fishing rod on his shoulder, as he marched ever closer we realised it was a hunting rifle and he had no pants on, fearing we were about to be murdered by a flashing crackers individual he said “had we seen dogs?” . I wanted to reply “Yes, many times” but thought better of it (whilst trying not to look at his weapon!!! – nice camp joke there for blanno).
Visited Cadburys Chocolate factory in Dunedin pretending to be Willy Wonka on a secret scouting mission, went to the Speights brewery ignoring everything until testing time. For the festive period headed down to Queenstown (she owns everything that bloody queen), which is meant to be the mst mental place on earth, i personally think its Lyme Regis.
This is also where the nightmare of all nightmares began. Climbed a big hill and braved ‘watching’ the bungy, then all of a sudden we were surrounded by bertie bigballs who’d all done it and it was easy blah blah blah. Already sweaty palmed watching these fools plummet to certain death or failing that an expensive dry cleaing underwear bill. We met Hansen!!!………..
Thats right the 3 grebo haired american dweebs responsible for music sh*te MMMMMMMM Bop, strangely 2 of the group were missing and the present member had taken on an Asian apearnace, anyway the daft buffoon says with this inane grin plastered on his face
” If you guys do it, so will I ”
So i burst into a mad high pitched version of MMMMM Bop, not really. This is the situation any male hates to be in – dares, pier pressure, the your chicken nonsense followed by bakaaa buk buk bukkaa noises, i mean looked what happened to Marty McFly. Before i have a clue whats going on my ‘mate’ Worthy agrees. FACK!!! I pretty much lobbed up any excuse i could think of. My hair is too big, i’ve drank to much vimto, there are fish dying for Captain Birdseye and all you want to do is bungy, the devil on my shoulder reminded me i had a Santa Claus hat in my bag, and realising that i could make an even bigger tit of myself whilst screaming like a girl i conceded when i heard the Oasis song ‘Live Forever’ playing in the back grounddddddddddddddddddddd (wow this dog just barked really loud and i jumped a clear yard off my seat – can you sense my apprehension?).
As Hanson launched over the edge promising a follow up single, i realised i was up next , shaking more now than Muhammed Ali in a deep freeze (ooo sorry) he started counting down 5,4,3,2,1, before i had chance to engage him in delaying converdsation about the great 80’s chocolate bar of the same name, my smelly size 9’s were rampaging towards sharp rocks, with a Carl Lewis style leap i was treading air and then i turned into Wylie Coyote succumbing to the stupid thing known as gravity, all i could was shout WOAH, possibly the most stupid thing you could shout, seeing as though shouting WOAH was hardly going to stop and make everything ok. Anyway after the harness inserted itself up my rectum in the mannner of a thong. I was alive and grinning like a prescott at a star trek convention, immediatly signing up for anther two. So after this Hansen comprehensively stalked us for about 2 days, something about dangerous situations bringing people closer together or a recruitment drive for the ailing popsters?
Chrissy Eve/Day, Boxing Day were the usual booze fests and dribbling in front of tvs with added novelty of a BBQ (wrong), did some lord of the rings stuff, like crawling around saying snarf, snarf (nope that was thundercats)
Bungy Jamp Part 2: Return to Parpsville
After a dismal nights sleep, the bus journey although most probably scenic was sent in silence, staring at my flip flops and rubbing my sweaty palms on anyone who seemed to excited. The bridge loked like something out of Indianna Jones before i knew it i was stood on the edge looking at anything clouds, seagulls, flies and praying there would be a random hot air balon passing on which i could fly, fly, fly to safety. No, 3,2,1, (hold on where’s my 5 & 4 gone?) before i knew it those daft words were tumbling from my mouth again……. WOAH ….then 43 metres later it felt as if someone had injected jam in my nostrils and i was underwater, but more alive than five alive. Same avo and we were doing river surfing all togged up like Robocop, great laugh with barrel rolls and duck diving all failed whilst drinking river water and slamming into rocks big successes, also watched my big sister float of downstream which was funny – i mean not funny at all claire!
Next day it was bungy 3, 134m, 217 bowel twitches, 1 large yell of ‘WOAHholyshityeah’ before realsing i was still falling and saying the poo word in its rude form again and a lifetime of pretending i was the hardest man in all the world ever, ever, ever. As i waved and danced to imaginary crowds i realised i’d neve have to do anything so stupid again……………..
Skydive.
Up in one of those polystyrene do it yourself lanes, repeating over rand over in my head ‘must not say Woah, must not say Woah. WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Finished off in Auckland, making beds for rent, and discovered that putting a duvet inside a duvet case is far mre difficult than throwing yourself off/out of things. Watched big (Kings of Leon, White Stripe, Magic Numbers) gig got drunk, realised that anyone who is still reading this is a true friend before ending my email abrutly as dog barked loudly and have realised its the month of May.
In Thailand now, writing this from a lilo, just dropped the laptop in the sea ……
Hope everyone is mega tops, i’m off to kiss ladyboys.
Love from the man who likes to say WOAH XXXXXX
jamesbriggs11