The Future Is Not Orange…
Monday, October 17th, 2005Raaaaaaaaaa ,
Just about recovered from diving when I couldn’t hear out of my left ear, putting me in Daves place(I hear you Dave, actually I don’t). They said it wouldn’t happen if I kept equalizing but I saw no sign of a football match let alone goal under the water.
So whats been going on? Well I hooked up with 3 random strangers in a campervan to take us all across Central Aus. There was me another English fella, an Italian girl and a Dutch bint. Everyone was getting on just fine until we discovered we had the nutbar from hell in our midst. She went on and on like the duracell bunny but in a way that would annoy even a sloth. I
wasn’t allowed to drink beer because we already had wine, was told when to shower and had my pillow stolen on regular occasions. I combatted this bullying by giving her the v’s behind her back and pulling funny faces i.e sticking tongue in inside chin (go on try it, its great!)
So obviously just as we were all getting along like steaming great big piles of poo on fire, the van decided it would just feckin give up, didn’t it…….cue lots of nodding at a fat mechanic as he most probably lied his buttocks off about what was wrong with the car…..
Mechanic: ” Oooo looks bad, your going to need new Maltesers and a big bath sponge in their not too mention a Curly Wurly to solve that overheating problem”.
In the middle of all this we’ve been to Ayres Sock, (Ledley) Kings Canyon, and Olga Rocks (which sounds like a description for a hot Norwegians all girl band) but is sadly just some red rocks.
So onto Darwin soon which when rearranged actually spells out window as said bY a cockney (WINDAR)…..brilliant.
Darwin has turned into the biggest booze trap of all time, its 35 degrees up here which brings out more sweat than a baboons hairy balls whilst sitting in a sauna. Needless to say motivation is lower than a squashed frog and ‘pool followed by beer time’ at an all time high.
Managed to get barred from local supermarket for eating crisps, Pringles etc in the aisles, whilst receiving a stern ticking off from the security man we pleaded innocence as bits of sour cream and chive pringles stuck to our chin and dorito crumbs cascaded from our shrugging shoulders. Complaining all the while about the upturn of faulty bags.
Went to Litchfield National Park and saw some ‘jumping crocs’ this isn’t when people sneak up behind these man killers and shout boo, but rather when they dangle a bit of steak from a fishing line, only to move it away really p*ssing the toothy chap off before letting him crawl up the side of the boat. Suffering a beast of a hangover and considering throwing myself in to be put out of my misery i opted instead for a photo. With my brain being
more fuzzy then a broken Remington Fuzzaway, i zoomed in only to absolutely sh*te myself thinking the croc was coming for me, stupid digital cameras.
Also swam in croc infested rivers hoping that they’d prefer whiny american accents and speedos whilst practising stomping manoevres and eye gauges at 10 second intervals.
Since then work has slipped into the equation and i’m pleased to announce i’ve bolstered my c.v. with some absolute belters. First up car washing, basically in theory me, a big bucket of soap suds leaning provocatively over the car a la hot chicks in music videos, in reality me with a power hose seeing if the power was strong enough to snap wing mirrors (it wasn’t but they did bend very well).
Mango Picking Volume 1: Went out to Noonamah in the comapny of a Belgian lad and a girl from Romford, Essex who was off to work as a topless barmaid and enforcing a million stereotypes. Anyway the Belgian dude did one with all my gear in his car for 2 days thus provoking a city wide search for the muppet in an agency car. So i tracked him down shone a big light in his face and said hand over all my gear and any Belgian beer you have. He did and didn’t in that order.
Painting: Painted walls and myself doing my upmost to turn blue t-shirts white.
Mango Picking Volume 2: Apparenyl according to our boss this work is ‘prettycruisey’ i don’t see how it relates to that hollywood midget though, theresdefinitely no yelling ‘yee ha jesters dead’ . more like ‘yee ha this mangoes got maggots crawling on it’ which doesn’t have the same ring. Working with nutters getting up at ridiculous o’clock.
Also been inundated with flies,now my personal hygiene may not be at the top bar but Jesus Christ, everytime I open my nose, eyes, ears you can rest assured one of these things has noticed, vacated the pile of sh*t or dead kangaroo it was sunbathing on and hurtled into said holes at a million miles an hour,resulting in arm waving that would be better suited to an over 50’s dinner/disco dance combo and seeminlgy shouting “oh will you just f*ck off” at thin air and provoking looks and thoughts of “He’s loopy that English fella”.
So yesp one more week of this pants before heading down to the West Coast to try and sooth the the east/west rap conflict which is currently taking place between groups of rival kangaroos.
Should be horse-some.
Sweaty palmed high fives all round…
jamesbriggs11