One Night Stand

Happy World Cup Year!

Right i’m further behind in my updates than Prescott in any running race….ever. Um Melbourne then and we were naturally disapointed that Kylie Minogue, Ian Smith (Harold…aww madge) and Anne Charleston were no where to be seen. It began with the mother of all week long sessions with the melbourne cup thrown in the mix there equivalent of the grand national came
out 180 bucks to the good but lost all of that to a barman.

Took in 2 ‘cross rules’ games which is a game where the referee explains the laws of the game in an angry way. Nah not really its aussie rules and gaelic football combined and is a good excuse for big blokes with mullets to kick the muck out of freckly irish boys.

Finally we took part in a meet the neighbours doo dah where we met Karl Kennedy, Boyd???? and Cindy???? no sign of Annalise, Charlene, Henry, Brad or Bouncer. Was a good laugh although things get out of hand when Dr Karl caught me sneaking admiring glances at Susan (see picture).

Got a few jobs…………

‘Painting in Heroin Park’

Did some paiting of big leaves? Not in one of melbournes finer locations we were left to our own devices after excitable bosses came in proclaiming the painting of leaves to be awesome (since when), anyway we were treated to people shooting (hoops) up in the park, ejecting randomers who walked in pretending to sell nail guns, before deciding he was on the phone to his mum, after i kicked him out, he told me not to get and i quote ‘flaming aggro’!? (sounds like a nasty willy disease).

Next up was ‘Beachcomber Cafe’

The job description was a waiter, easy i thought i can wait, i always have to wait for buses and queues in tesco, in actual i had to be very active. Here i was forced to wear a nasty orange t-shirt or alternatively a nasty blue t-shirt, doing all sorts of turd jobs under the watchful eyes of git bosses who said we weren’t allowed too talk to fellow co-workers. Blatenetly flaunting such nonense under the freedom of human rights act, i used to
bugger around no end.

I was mainly on the juice bar! which meant i had to give cakes to people. I have to say whilst working here i developed a large ego to go with my large haircut, as i strutted around with aussie ladies licking their lips in my direction, muttering ‘beautiful’ , ‘oooo look at that’ and other phrases like ‘its too die for’ . Its only just dawned on me that i resemble a hippy and what they were actually referring to were the big slices of chocolate gateux and cheesecake (incidently not made from cheese….still)

Nearly sacked…. once getting asked what i was doing i had to think on my feet quick and pulled a pen from my pocket saying that i was testing it to see if the clicker mechanism worked, i clicked it showing the boss and saying it did, needless to say he didn’t fall on the floor splitting his sides, but made me clean up some cigarette butts.

Nipped back to Sydney to watch Oasis which was class, went to Pin Oak Court better known as Ramsay St and dashed around posing for photos staging cricket matches and even a famous ‘oh no your leaving in a taxi to the airport and won’t come back ever again so we’ll have to get the whole street to stand outide doug willis’ house and cry whilst a dog chases the taxi down the street’ photo.

Many many sessions in the like of Cushion followed by Traffic (nicknamed tragic), got eaten by bed bugs, broke into the commonwealth stadium and visited the Great Ocean Road which really was great. Took in Bells Beach which is where they filmed Point Break tried to recreate movie scenes but beer had killed all brain cells and couldn’t remeber any Partrick Swayze quotes (although prescott knows lots to dirty dancing) so just ran upstairs spouting rubbish before stubbing toe (just like the swayzemeister). Spied rare aussie echidna which surprisingly hid as we tossed rocks towards it.

2 days left then and still no sign of the Wizard of Oz, time to leave Melbourne which has been my favourite city so one final last night and then…..

8.30am Train leaves Melbourne for Sydney light one passenger
8.30am James lies face down in a bean bag cemented to it by drool.
10am Got woken by cleaners, feel dreadful, slope off to real bed
8pm Make up lies, get night train

So back to Sydney where it all began…sorry if the writing becomes smudged now, i’m crying…..sob, sob, boo, hoo. Check out the Blue Mountains and discover that they aren’t blue at all and its some ploy by the tourist board to attract to people who’s favourite colour is blue (they got me hook, line and stinker). Final day surfing on Bondi punctuated with 10 minute misty eyed moments on the shore which i use as an excuse for reflection after getting dragged along the sea bed for 43 minutes and ran over by other mad dogs of the ocean.

A farewell tune then sung to that James Blunt song………

Goodbye Australia, goodbye suntan, you have been the one, you have been the one for me,I’ve drank your beer, ran away from your snakes, i’ve kissed your girls and served your cakes,
I’ve had your rashes, got bitten by bugs but now i’m fine, look at me (you galaar) i swear its true, i’ll miss you?????????????

oh sod it………..

Hope everyone had a good christmas and new year, i’m in New Zealand now which is opposite Old Zealand not sure which i prefer yet, will let you know.

Love James xxxxxxxxxxx

Seeing as christmas is just around the corner i thought i’d treat you to a gargantuan (what?) mail.

Since the last time i picked my nose and prodded at small plastic squares a lot has been drank, eaten and done. Let me tell you all about Westlife, they are managed by Ronan Keating (probably gay) consist of four Irish oiks one of them has confessed to a liking of the rusty sheriff badge and Brian Mcfatten quit in controversy.

Err yeah, so this is the official story of the west coast/life. Started off in Broome where i proceeded to clean up (groan/boo), spent most of the time on Cable (guy) Beach which was a beauty, although we spent most of our time diving for cover as wings with rats constantly hovered above us aiming their
digested fish and chips over our heads.

The Wildlife continued to treat us with disdain when we did a camel ride at sunset, the camels were obviously delighted to be lugging around fat backpackers at they let this known by barking, guffawing and honking at regular intervals, one mad mofo took a liking to my t-shirt and constantly appeared alongside flashing his brown gums and melting my arm with his breath. Later on i learned about the phrase ‘p*ssing like a camel’ as the camel drained themselves for a good five minutes in what can only be likened to a monsoon under a furry canopy?!

I also thought i was becoming a schizophrenic…….

8.02pm Sensitive James Moment: The beautiful sunset made me want to sob at natures amazing beauty.

8.04pm Bloke James Moment: After letting out a load mouth trumpet burp, before stumbling into the sand dunes and weeing on a dead sea snake.

Then it was time to head it into the wilderness with nothing for 400kms, scary especially if you’ve seen Wolf Creek (this incidently is the long awaited follow up to Dawsons Creek starring the long haired fella from Gladiators). Then it was onto Karinjini to look at some ‘Gorgeous Gorges’ (said in deep husky yorkshire accent). Eventaully swam in some rock pools after letting the OAP Germans dip their toes in first to see if the crocs
were hungry. We lasted about 4.3 seconds after jumping in sh*tting it, then hopping out saying the waters cold (it was warm) and that their might be a limit on people in the water at any one time (their was only us).

After realising our beer supply was getting depleted we spied a place on themap called Tom Price, we set off in earnest hoping that we were off to meet the legendary brother of Fisher, in the vain hope of snaffling one of those plastic old school record players to replace our sh*tbag cd player which skipped more than Blanno on his way to work. It was about this time when i
started to develop ‘THE RASH’ !!! After a few days i liked like one of thoseglobal hypercolour t-shirts and was placed an antibiotics, nice one doc, but can i still drink with these.

Then we ventured further into isolation but saw more amazing beaches around the Ningaloo (reportedly home to many japanese swordsmens toilets) Marine Park. Here we duelled with old speedo wearing people as to who could stay awake the longest. At 9.51pm we caved in given the lack of booze and or anything to do. Who says youth is wasted on the young.

One of the highlights had to be a whale tour, when we visited America to see how obesity was rife. Not really we got in a boat to witness future bars of soap do their migratory thing. They were class and we even got to hear their mating calls which sounded disturbingly like the crazy frog ring tone and scatman johns de ba ba dad doh classic. Sad blubberry mammals.

In dire need of nightlife we ventured to a pub to witness the very
appropriatly titled band ‘Nasty Little Rash’ to be kind to them they were absolutely dreadful, but redeemed themselves when the lead singer lost the plot and started kicking and punching things before crying like Alco when he realised the chip shop was closed. When asked why he was crying he said he had an international recording contract. The word Bullsh*t could be heard under countless coughing fits.

Next Monkey Mia where disapointly there were no monkeys, save for ourselves. There however loads of dolphins, after shrugging off initial disapointment that they weren’t from Miami, i was chosen to feed one of these beautiful things, after grabbing a fish, the cute dolphin lied on its side, thinking wow this is awesome, he then opened his mouth to reveal what can only be
described as the most minging teeth ever. It looked as though he’d been drinking sunny delight at 5 minute intervals forever beofre settling down toa poo sandwich for each meal. I can confirm that Dolphins are not cute in the slightest.

Back to the cities then. By the time we’d reached Perth the antibiotics werelying on the side of the motorway and i was closely studying the inside of a beer bottle.

Right thats the story of Westlife. I’m going to go now as my arms are hurting, but i’ll leave you with this cliff hanger.

My arms hurt because….

a) everyone in Australia is ticklish (fact) and i can’t resist tickling them

b) last week i got married to the ginger one from Hollyoaks and had to carry her over the threshold

c) long emails are stupid

Hope winter finds you all well and wearing silly coats and hats. Off to watch Oasis next week, can’t wait. Although will probably have to.

Much Love
James xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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