Like any major city, Madrid has more than its´ share of street performers. Though, I think the funniest thing I have seen came from a homeless man. He was sitting on Gran Via (think smaller Broadway) with a sign that said "can you help me out with some money for my Ferrari payments?" That got a laugh out of me and earned him some change.

I have now developed a game plan as to how I give away my change (and you should too).

Rule #1 - Support the guitar players. If they are playing guitar, I´ll throw some change their way.

Rule #2 - Laughter is the best medicine. If they make me laugh somehow, it´s guaranteed money.

Rule #3 - I call this one "the sneaky, lazy fuck" rule. If they have nicer shoes on than me not only do they not get money, but they earn themselves a kick in the crotch.

That´s all you need to know. Live by these rules and everything else is cream cheese (quick - name that movie!).

On the metro it is a whole different story. People bounce from train to train to perform looking for money all the time. Most of the time, this is pretty damn annoying. Thankfully, I can just put my headphones on and drown them out.

The other day I witnessed two white spanish men doing an acapella rap song. Another common scene is the two person team that wheels in a portable speaker and starts playing music. You see this all the time. My problem is when a what looked like husband and wife team was on my metro the other day. They turned their music on and she started shaking a tambourine...out of rhythm I might add. THAT WAS IT. I mean seriously, at least put a little effort in, don´t just mail in the performance like you were playing for the NY Mets or something. Have some self respect.

My friend heard this young girl get on the metro with a microphone and a voice to rival Roseanne Barr and just start signing. People started laughing. Another friend was in a packed train with no room to spare when one more man tried to squeeze in...problem was he was playing the accordion and was basically face to face with my friend and no room to move. Obviously, the only song that makes sense to play and sing in this situation is Elvis Presley and "Fools Rush In"...with a thick Spanish accent. I love it.

But, my main problem is the god damn accordion. First of all, it SUCKS. Second of all, can´t we all agree that if it isn´t playing the theme from the Godfather it is worthless and should be outlawed? Third, isn´t it an Italian instrument? Why are there so many of these god foresaken instruments here?

I swear, I am surprised that I haven´t actually taken one out of some guy´s hand, smashed it on the ground and thrown some bills at him like Sonny Corleone does to the photographer in the beginning of "The Godfather." One of these days...