Encounters With a “Spectacular Fuck-Wit”
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007We’ve been indulging ourselves lately: eating fancy foods, drinking non-swill beer, and watching rugby games on ESPN at the highest Irish Pub in the world. On one such, non-swill-beer-drinking, rugby-watching occasion a rather drunk young man from London decided to join our table, which would usually be fine, except that he didn`t seem to realize that we actually wanted to finish watching the game.
He started the conversation by asking us where we were from, to which we responded with our usual short-hand of “California” even though that is by no means true. Lucky for us, he hated Californians. “Every Californian I`ve met has been terrible. I thought you guys were supposed to be laid-back! You’re all aggressive and obnoxious. I like Texans. I met one guy from Texas and he was really laid back.” Ummmm… okay. Maybe you should go back to the bar away from the scary aggressive Californians and let us watch the game. But we had no such luck. Maybe he stayed because Megan`s actually from Seattle and is therefore too polite for her own damn good.
Luckily he pushed away from the Californians-are-terrible conversation and, without hesitation, jumped into the Americans-are-even-worse conversation (our favorite). “How many Americans does it take to ruin the world?” He asked. Gee, guy, I don`t know, how many? Around the same number of Brits it takes to colonize the entire planet? “No… 51%! Ha ha!” You know, it’s actually a pretty funny joke, and we both let out a little chuckle. Usually in these types of conversations (they pop up pretty frequently) our anti-Bush credentials save us from long winded diatribes. Not the case with our British friend, who seemed to have had his face in his cups for a while. He started off strong: “After September 11th the world was with you, I mean, everyone was behind you. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up.” We nodded, because, yes, it was, sadly, true. It did take a “spectacular fuck-wit” and we just happened to have one at the ready. If the conversation had ended there it would have been just another time Europeans had tried to bond with us by telling us how stupid our president and, by extension, our countrymen are.
But, it didn’t end there. Two minutes later after we explained that, yes, we did, in fact, understand the rules of rugby (to his utter shock), he decided that he hadn`t made it quite clear how much Europeans hate us. “I mean, I don`t know if you know, but after September 11th the world was with you, I mean, everyone was behind you. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up.” Um… okay… got it the first time. We explained to him that we had spent months travelling around the country going door to door to try to convince people that a “spectacular fuck-wit” was running the country. He responded by saying “You’ve got to go home and tell everybody that after September 11th the world was with you, I mean, everyone was behind you. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up.” Um… yeah… guy… we tried that. “No, but I don`t think you understand! After September 11th the world was with you, I mean, everyone was behind you. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up. Europeans don`t elect stupid leaders.” At this point we had both hit our limit. Not because he was dissing America, but because he was an idiot.
“Gee, guy… last I checked you guys were in the war, too.”
“Yeah, but more Brits were killed by Americans than by Iraqis, in BOTH gulf wars!” He retorted.
“Well then, you guys should wake up and stop tromping off into wars behind us. That seems like a pretty spectacularly fuck-witted move, blindly following a bunch of soldiers who keep turning around and shooting you.”
“Yeah, but, you don`t understand… after September 11th the world was with you, I mean, everyone was behind you. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up.”
Ummmmm…. wow. I mean… wow. We would have been long gone by that point had two other fellas, both quite amiable, not joined our table. One other Brit whom we’d actually run-into twice in Ecuador and an Irishman who was awesome even though we couldn`t understand a word that came out of his mouth. Our original Londoner had informed them when they joined our table that we were from California and that he hated Californians. They were polite enough not to laugh. He also made sure to tell them, at least three times each, that “after September 11th the world was with America, I mean, everyone was behind them. It took a spectacular fuck-wit to mess that up.”
Strangely enough, when we packed up our bags to go, after an evening of insulting each one of our identities in turn, he leaned over to Sarah and whispered “I’m really very attracted to you. If you leave now I’ll cry.” Wow, the guy had some moves. It’s a wonder the women weren’t knocking down his door.
We left and Megan patted him a little too hard on his shoulder. “See ya, buddy.”
In other news, we went to Machu Picchu yesterday. Pictures to come.
-Las Dos
admin