Burning Piles of Trash
Saturday, December 30th, 2006
There is a short snippet, easily missed, in our Lonely Planet Central America guidebook. It reads: “El Fortin was the Guardia National`s last holdout in Leòn. El Fortin can be reached by the dirt road that begins on the west side of Guadalupe cemetery. Follow this road 2.5km until you reach the abandoned hilltop fort, which affords a panoramic view of Leòn.”
This is how it should read (Amy Todd, if you`re reading this, I hope you´re taking notes):
“El Fortin was the Guardia National`s last holdout in Leòn. El Fortin cannot be easily reached. If you wish to attempt the journey anyway, please read the following instructions carefully:
Walk around near Guadalupe cemetery until you see a dirt road that forks off in two directions. Flip a coin to figure out which one to take. Inevitably, choose the wrong one. Walk along this dirt road until there are no longer any other people. Think that perhaps you`ve gone the wrong way. Ask local boys for directions and have them point you back in the direction you came and towards another dirt road that forks off of the one you were following. Walk along this road until you are quite sure that you have no idea where you are. Ask more local boys for directions. Have them tell you that they are headed to the fort anyway. Follow them. Watch as one boy kicks off his sandals and puts on some high heeled pumps that are sitting next to the road in a trash heap. Smile as he wobbles along in them. Realize that there are more and more trash heaps on the side of the road. Look ahead of you and notice that you are walking directly into a dump. Smell something nasty and notice that all of the trash you are walking into is on fire. Tell local boys that you`re really not all that interested in walking through burning piles of trash. Have them tell you that the fort is just up the hill and that you can`t give up now. Agree with them against your better judgement. Have local boys show you how to put your shirt over your face, hold your breath, and run through burning trash. Do it. Feel like you want to throw up. Reach the other side where there is an old abandoned fort. Be unimpressed with it. Then be unimpressed with the panoramic view of Leòn that the hillside provides.
Notice that next to the old fort there is a long line of local people waiting to receive food from a couple who look like American missionaries (white and chubby). Wonder why said American missionaries would choose to give out free food in a spot that everyone would have to walk through burning trash to get to. Come up with no satisfactory answer to question. Suddenly realize that in order to get back to your hostel, you will have to walk back through the burning trash. Psych yourself up and do it. Reach the other side and begin to get whiffs of something just as nasty as the dump that you just walked through. Realize that you are smelling yourself, saturated with garbage smoke. Think to yourself that you have never smelled worse in your entire life. Ask two local women how to get back to the city. Have them tell you that the road ahead of you will take you directly back to the city, but not to listen to anyone along the way. Then watch them make that scary “cut your head off, you`re gonna die” gesture. Hope that the gesture was a cultural reference that you didn`t understand. Keep walking. Notice another local boy walking next to you. Have him walk next to you and stare at you without saying anything all the way back to the city. Feel alternately comforted and weirded out by this. Turn down several cab rides even though you are sun burnt and exhausted because you are so embarrassed by your rancid smell. Arrive back at your hostel and take the most welcome shower of your life.”
-Sarah (with help from Megan)
p.s. To see more pictures click on the photo of the flower to the right of this post
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