Brian’s Top 10 List by Jeff Gagnon!
Sunday, August 27th, 2006In light of Brian’s MVP posting, let us review Brian’s Top 10 most
amazing athletic accomplishments.
10. A 9 year old Brian smashes his collarbone on a white birch tree as
he is sandwiched on a tackle while scrambling to his right in a front
yard nerf football game. He quickly jumped up and uttered what NFL
films later dubbed into Mike Singletary’s voice, “I LIKE that kind ‘a
party! I can do that ALL DAY baby!”
9. At age 13, Brian set a modern record for consecutive “tags” in
“Marco Polo” with 45.
8. At age 11, Brian chews an entire box of Bazooka Joe bubble gum AND
reads all of the comics during the 4th inning of a minor league baseball
game. While teammates watched in stunned awe, Brian muttered, “Get me
a coke and a hot dog you bitches.” He later singled in the inning.
7. By age 16, Brian sets a Dracut long distance record of 40 yards as
he punts the basketball over the garage and into the woods after losing
yet another last second game of “one-on-one” in the driveway. 40 yds.
broke his own record of 36, established 20 minutes prior, as he was
talked into playing “just one more game.”
6. A 12 year old Brian breaks his wrist on a fadeaway “Jordan Jammer”
3 pointer as Jeff hopelessly tackles him. They both watch as the soft
floater swished gently in the hoop, sealing the day’s victory for
Brian. With his broken wrist bent at an awkward and grotesque angle, he
turned to the imaginary crowd, put his finger to his lips and defiantly
silenced them.
5. During a tense battle of “Goal Line Stand” in the upstairs bedroom,
a 12 year old Brian leaps over the goal line pileup and pulverizes a 4
year old Tom into oblivion. Upon his courageous exit from the hospital
days later, Tom was heard to mutter, “Damn, that kid is like a mack
truck with a sleeping bag and pillow!”
4. Brian manages to tell both his soccer and basketball coaches to
“F*** Off” during his senior year of high school sports, thus becoming the
first athlete to accomplish this feat in back to back seasons. It was
later determined that they didn’t understand his communications due to
the fact that they were both mentally impaired escapees of the Dracut
Home for “Special” Citizens.
3. Brian breaks the Guiness Record for consecutive family “pantsings”
with 2,139 days, when he drops Tom’s shorts as Tom stands hopelessly in
front of the refrigerator. In a comment to the Dracut Dispatch after
breaking the record, Brian attributed his feat to “hard work, focus, a
commitment to excellence and a seemingly superhuman ability to sense
when someone’s pants were not tied in triple knots with a drawstring.”
2. At age 20, while on his back with legs suspended in mid air and
butt cheeks spread at perfect distance, and after weeks of preparation,
Brian rips his 43rd fart in 43 seconds, establishing a Ruthian benchmark
in the flatulence arena.
1. Brian seals the minor league baseball championship with an all out,
diving catch in center field, setting off a frenzied celebration as the
team mobs him outside the second base
Gagnonius