Sandy Does Southeast Asia

We’re still three hours shy of the new year but it’s not too early to start counting my victories. Like how, at the end of a grueling 24 hour period during which I paced, cried (only once for a few minutes, I swear), and punched my fist in the air like a high school jock, I have fixed this damn laptop.

It all started yesterday evening during a perfect storm of boredom and despair when I seriously needed the distraction of a borrowed DVD and was met instead with utter defeat. Not only did the DVD not play but my computer appeared to finally get its shaky last legs kicked out from under it. Hours of hilarity ensued during which it freaked out, crashed repeatedly, and finally wouldn’t restart at all.

Try for a moment to understand how devastating it was. This computer has become my lifeline to sanity in the entertainment void that is Nong Khai, aka The Town Without Magazines. It may not have Internet or anything fancy like that but it does play CDs and MP3s. Without it, I would be left to lay on my couch and stare at the wall while listening to the rooster convention in my garden. Even more important is the fact that I’ve started writing a lot, like six or seven hours a day, and I’m totally dependent on my creative routine.

I was not about to take this lying down. This time of year being all about new leaves turned and whatnot, I was determined to succeed. 2007 is not going to be another year of accepting a bad turn of events and walking away.

Luckily, I love boys who love computers. I am drawn to them because they tend to be patient, calm and intelligent. They are logical and analytical problem solvers. Sexy! So apparently I’ve been at least half listening to my boyfriends over the years, because their words began flooding back to me. Strange phrases started to form themselves in my head – safe mode, running utilities, defragging hard drives. My two-year incarnation as A/V Tech Girl (TM) stepped in and started troubleshooting.

I’ll spare you the details and cut straight to the part when 24 sleepless hours later, my computer is not only back in action but it’s running about a million times better than when I first borrowed it. In your face, 2006!

My friend Michael said in an email recently that this blog gives a good idea of the experience of living in Thailand…as filtered through “Sandy’s weird, weird brain.” OK wiseacre, that’s it; you asked for it. Here is one half hour inside my brain**:

“I’m hungry. I’m so hungry I’m going to faint. Hungry hungry hungry. I need one of those baked bananas, that’s what I need. I’ll have that instead of dessert today. Much better than chocolate. One baked banana while I’m walking, then a small piece of bar-b-que pork from that one street stall, then another baked banana for dessert. Perfect. Where the hell are my shoes? Eat! Eat soon! Wait, tie the shoes first and then go outside. Yay! Food! Dinner!

OK where are the stupid banana baking people on this street? Where did they go? They’re here all the time except when I want one. Hungry. Cute little monks. Oh my god I think that monk just turned and said something to me. Why are the rest of them snickering? Oh that’s where the mini-supermarket is. No bananas today, I give up. Those people are staring at me. Why are people always staring at me? [Play tape of Simeon’s voice: Do people stare at you like this all time on the street?] They see farang all day, every day. Alright already, take a picture, it’ll last longer.

Watch out, two-way traffic. Go! Wait! Go, go! Phew. There’s the meat place; there it is! Hello nice man who gives me bar-b-que pork. Which piece, which piece? Ooh that one looks delicious. I have dinner and I will survive! So hungry. Hurry home. Ugh, for crap’s sake get out of my way. Do we really have to walk this slow all the time? I’m hungry! Stand or walk, people. Can’t do both.

There’s 7-11. Walk on the other side of the street because I’m not going there. I’m going straight home to eat dinner. No dessert tonight. No. No! OK I’ll go to 7-11 but no chocolate. And no cookies. Asian sweets section – perfect. Let’s see, packages of little dried things covered in…hmm, is that sugar? Could be salt. Ah, here’s English-language packaging. Biscuit crackers with anchovy flavor? John Ringhoff would love this. He’d be pawing through everything looking for the treats that said: Now With Extra Fish Eyeballs! What a dummy. I can’t believe I actually ate a fish eyeball that one time. It was chewy. That was so gross. I must remember to never, ever eat anything he holds out on a fork and says to eat because it’s delicious. Oh here we go – crisped rice with something that looks like caramel sauce. Yum. I will eat this entire huge package. This is going to rule!

OK I get to eat right after I take a shower. If I survive this shower, I get dinner. I can do this. Quick, quick, under the water! Oh my god! Oh my god!! I can’t breathe! This is not okay. This is the coldest cold ever. Refreshing, invigorating, exhilarating. Just keep thinking of synonyms. It’s almost over. Stimulating, bracing. Done. Now I get to eat! I will eat all the food! Dinner! Food now! Eat all the food! Yay!!”

And then I ate dinner. The end.

* Name this blog entry’s title reference and be entered in a drawing to win a trip for two to sunny, fabulous Nong Khai, Thailand!
** Edited to exclude rude/irrelevant/private thoughts about people who may be reading this (and yes, gossiping to myself about my friends represents a significant portion of my inner dialogue, sadly).

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