Sandy Does Southeast Asia

I knew I was starting to get comfortable in Bangkok when I interrupted a foreigner rifling through the pathetic stationery collection at 7-11 to ask if he was looking for a notebook, which he was. “Ah then,” I said, “go down the street to the right, around the curve and on the north side of the street next to the bus stop there’s a great little stationery store.”

And what was I doing in 7-11, you ask? Aside from the fact that there are three of them on every block and it’s practically impossible not to trip and fall into one, I thought for sure they’d have peanut butter. But after visiting progressively larger outlets, I was still empty-handed. Apparently 7-11 is enforcing some obscure international embargo on peanut butter, damn them. The happy ending to this story is that I was eventually pointed to a department store where, after a slightly desperate search, I grabbed a mini-jar of Skippy off the shelf like a diabetic grabs for the last vial of insulin.

And why was I desperately searching for peanut butter? Simply put, because I’m feeling a teensy bit out of sorts today. I’ll spare you the intricate details but suffice to say I’m struggling against turning an emotional corner that I’ve been trying to avoid for four months but is suddenly feeling imminent and inevitable. And what does a good little farang do when she’s feeling out of sorts? She sits in her hotel room watching satellite TV and eating peanut butter on Ritz crackers, of course.

Speaking of getting comfortable here… It’s been three days and I’m already a bit sick of Thailand. Fancy that, huh? Don’t get me wrong – the Thai people are marvelous (except for the woman at a guesthouse down the street who, when I asked her for one of the miniature plastic spoons they give away free with cinnamon rolls, practically made me swear on my grandmother’s grave that I would not return to ask for any more – “Just this. Not next time! Just this. Not next time!” – as though she’d created a plastic spoon junkie who would be turning up on an hourly basis begging disposable flatware off her). Aside from that one little incident, from what I’ve seen so far Thai people pretty much rule. Totally friendly and good humored, helpful, engaged. I’m a fan.

It’s not the residents that are the problem, it’s the tourists. I sort of guessed this would be an issue. Thailand has been majorly stereotyped as a theme park version of The Groovy Tropical Escape. Silly me didn’t realize the full impact of the fact that, like most stereotypes, this one would have its fair share of truth. I’m not sure if it’s just Bangkok (or even just this area of Bangkok) but most of the tourists appear to be parodies of themselves. And while this would definitely be entertaining at some other time, for right now I’m simply too vulnerable to endure chilllled out scruffy barefoot white guys wearing skirts. Sarongs, whatever.

The general idea was to go down to Koh Tao or some other smaller island right off before the peak season hits but now I am forced to concede that the Thailand beach scene is more likely to cause me to burst into tears of annoyance than anything else. And anyway, I feel most comfortable in cities, so I think for now I should stick to that. So I’m going north. I bought a plane ticket to Chiang Mai online from Asia Air for about half the price as it’s going for in travel agencies around here. Score one for the savvy traveller. Yes, so tomorrow morning I fly to Chiang Mai. And tonight I watch hour upon hour of BBC World and eat peanut butter. I’m feeling better already.

I did something this morning that I usually avoid doing at all costs – I went sightseeing. In fact, on my personal Fun Scale, it rates right up there with cleaning toilets because the last thing I want to be doing on vacation is trudging through the heat with herds of other foreigners looking at stuff. Basically, you spend a bunch of time and pay an expensive entrance fee to look at something so you can say you looked at it. It’s so pointless.

So I thought I’d get some sightseeing out of the way right off the bat and then I could spend the rest of my time in Thailand doing the things I enjoy doing on vacation like drinking sugary iced coffee, eating weird food from street vendors, watching international news channels on satellite TV, and chasing monkeys. I chose to see the Grand Palace and the Wat Something Or Other that has the Emerald Buddha because they’re in the same complex, and then the Wat Pho that has the Reclining Buddha because it’s only a block away. I am nothing if not efficient.

I wandered around the Grand Palace complex feeling annoyed despite the big tacky gold thing (looks sort of like a big bell and they’re all over, no idea what they are) and a something like 30’x30′ outdoor sculpture that’s an exact replication of Angkor Wat (yay! now when people are like, “ooooh have you seen Angkor Wat?” I can confidently say yes without all the inconvenience of having to go Cambodia – strike another sightseeing debaucle off the list).

I was annoyed that is until I went into the building that houses the Emerald Buddha. Maybe the other foreigners thought I started weeping at the beauty of the hundreds of devotees kneeling in front of a monk giving a sermon (or whatever the Buddhist version is called), or the hushed spiritual atmosphere or something. But really, I wept because I have never seen a such a mind-blowingly glittery explosion of tackiness. It has to be the most spectacular example of High Gaudy ever created. It was like if Liberace converted to Buddhism and then was given an unlimited budget and manpower to create a cathedral-like shrine for this Emerald Buddha treasure. It was also a lot like my idea of heaven.

Then on to the Reclining Buddha, which is the biggest one in Thailand. And that means it’s really big. I forget how big exactly but it’s housed in this open building that’s the equivalent of about four stories and it takes up the whole space all the way to the ceiling. And it’s gold. How awesome is that? What it lacked in the whole Sea of Glittery Distraction element of the Emerald Buddha shrine it more than made up for in sheer mass of shiny-ness.

I am really pleased with my sightseeing choices. Conscience eased, personal aesthetic satisfied.

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Favorite random thing today: the sweetest, most innocent looking little 5-year-old Thai boy wearing a t-shirt that said, “F**k you, you f**kin’ f**k”.

Least favorite random thing today: sitting next to a couple in a cafe who I swear had to be from LA because who else blabs about their friend doing a spot on a TV show, seeing someone’s car in front of the studio, how Rob is a Taurus so of course once he gets an idea there’s no stopping him, and says “that’s huge” at regular intervals? It was horrible.

About 12 hours into my 14 hour flight, I suddenly pulled out of the Tylenol PM induced haze just long enough to realize that I was drastically - even spectacularly - unprepared for the trip that had somehow slipped from ... [Continue reading this entry]