You can’t handle the truth…or can you?
First of all, before I get into answering some of your questions, I want to make one thing absolutely clear:
Billy Jean is not my lover!! She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one!
Secondly I also want you to know…
People we live in a world with blogs and those blogs have to be written by people with a sense of humour. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Jeff Gagnon? You, Mark Lynch? You, Chad Anderson? You, Kelly Martin? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. And my blog, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, probably makes people laugh.
The reality is i’m not sure any of you want the truth…because in places deep down that you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on this blog, you need me on this blog!
I use words like unemployed, lazy, horny, broke, unmotivated, fart, turd,…I use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something…you use them as a punchline!
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the blanket of comedy and entertainment I provide in my blog and then question the manner in which i provide it. I’d prefer you all just said thank you, kept reading the blog and moved on your way. Otherwise I suggest you start your own blog and start writing. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled too.
Now let’s get on to the matter of business that is answering some of the questions I’ve recieved.
Ryan from Reading Massachusetts asked:
What are you eating in Scotland?
Well Ryan, I’ve eaten Haggis. I think it’s the national dish of Scotland. I think it’s pretty much sheep guts. It didn’t taste too bad but because I knew what it was it was a bit hard to get it down. I think i’d rather throw up in my mouth than eat it again.
Kyle from Reading Massachusetts asked:
What was your favorite animal that you’ve seen on your trip?
I’d have to say that seeing an Orangutan was really great. There have been several other great animals but they would usually walk away when I would try to buy them a drink or say hello.
Curious George from Aberdeen Scotland asked:
I would like to know how many times you got your arse kicked at pool
while you were in Scotland?
Why do men have nipples?
Well Curious George (Kevin.) I’d have to say that i’m not quite sure how many times i got my arse kicked in pool because i was too busy gloating about my victories in Golf, Bowling and Darts.
I think men have nipples so they can be milked…I mean anything with a nipple can be milked, right?
Vince Vaughan from Wedding Crashers asked:
How many african flapjacks did you motorboat?
My answer for that is…Earmuffs!
Tom Gagnon from Amherst Massachusetts asked:
In which country did you produce the best farts?
How many little kids did you fart on?
How many dogs did you fart on?
Which foreign food enhances your farting capabilities?
What was the longest time, in seconds, that you went without farting?
Well Tom, I’d have to say that I produced the best farts in Vietnam. To my knowledge I only farted on one kids head, but don’t quote me on that. I didn’t fart on any dogs but now i’m regretting the fact that i haven’t. I think the best food to enhance your farting capabilities is Curry. I had a curry before i farted on the baby on the bus in Vietnam and I’m sure that kid will never be able to eat curry for the rest of it’s life. The longest time in seconds i went without farting would be….aaaah…rippppppppp…oops, there goes one, well that was about 3 seconds maybe?
Sheila Gagnon from Westford Massachusetts asked:
How many trinkets did you buy?
Which country had the best “odds and ends?”
Who makes the best “doo dads?”
Where could I buy the nicest lil’ knick knacks and figurines?
Where can you buy something and then return it a week later, after
wearing it, when you realize it went on sale for 20% off, and make the
salesperson feel bad for not giving you 40%?
Which country has the highest rates of little kids losing eyeballs,
going blind or deaf or paralyzed from seemingly innocent and harmless
behaviors?
Well Mom, those are some amazing questions. I’ve bought quite a few trinkets, if i’m guilty of anything it’s definitely that. As far as the best odds and ends, give me some time to think about that. I think you can only get doo-dads in the U.S.A. I’ll give the nod to Africa on lil’ knick knacks and figurines. I don’t have any idea where you came up with the next question about buying things and returning it. In most countries you go to prison for things like that or they cut limbs off…perhaps you are familiar with the term, thief? And to answer your last question I think Dracut Massachusetts still ranks number 1 for broken necks and lost eyeballs due to harmless behaviors.
Jim Gagnon from Westford, Massachusetts asked:
Which countries had the nicest lawns?
Who is leading the world in lawnmower technology development?
What is the seed to sod ratio in Namibia’s southern grasslands region?
Is it double or triple that in Botswana?
Well Dad, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Merry Ole England has some nice lawns. As far as leading technology I think only the U.S.A really ranks anywhere in that field. I can’t say much about the sod ratio in Namibia’s southern grasslands region other than you have too much time on your hands. Get a life!
Dan Gagnon from Richmond, Virginia asked:
Is Dinty Moore Beef Stew made in Hong Kong?
Well Dan, another great question. Dinty Moore Beef Stew is actually made in Hong Kong. They have an all-you-can-eat buffet in Kowloon. For $10 U.S. dollars you can eat all the dinty moore beef stew you want. You can get merchandise and get your picture taken with Dinty Moore himself.
Jeff Gagnon from San Diego California asked:
What country had the best selection of casual 90’s types of shoes?
Hahahahah…what a loser…who would ask such a stupid question?
Maggie from Richmond Virginia asked:
Did the Lions hump your leg?
Well maggie, to be quite honest, they didn’t hump my leg. I think if they had humped my leg I’d be walking with a prosthetic right now, great question.
Luke Skywalker from Dagobah asked:
How many converters did you pick up in Taji Station?
Answer this question I can…However, be with you the force is, already you shall know!
Thanks to those of you who asked questions and please feel free to keep them coming as I will do my best to answer them.
I’ll give you a quick update as to the goings on. I’m currently in Manchester, that’s in England for those of you geographically challenged. I’m visiting a friend I met on safari in Africa. I arrived by bus yesterday (tuesday) from Aberdeen. Last night we went to a Roller Disco, yes a Roller Disco. I can now officially check it off the listl. For £3 we got a pair of roller-skates and got to skate the night away. I will admit i did fall flat on my ass once and it felt even worse cause I was completely sober when it happened. Another funny thing did happen at the bar last night as well. I had to go and take a whiz so I skated my way over to the toilet. Up two flights of small stairs and into the bathroom I went. When I opened the door I saw a guy standing at the mirror fixing his hair or something, I wasn’t really paying attention. I turned and hit the urinal and I had my back to this guy as I was having a pee. A few seconds later I heard him say the following:
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”
We were the only two in the bathroom so I really couldn’t imagine who else he could have been saying this to other than me. I was taken back a bit and had no idea how to respond. The silence after he said that was deafening. A few things crossed my mind:
Should I turn around?
Should I pretend I didn’t hear anything?
Was I finally going to get action on my trip?
Would I be able to brag about the action that I got on my trip?
Football, Football, Football!
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day…Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
Well, ultimately I wouldn’t have to worry about any of those things as it turned out the guy was on a cell phone and probably had no idea I was standing there in the bathroom.
I hope you enjoy the post and if there is not another post up in the next few days..
Then just wait longer!
Also, I’ve posted pictures up on the photo site…have a look!
Tags: Aberdeen, England, Manchester, Scotland
Gagnonius
Darts – We’ll have to call this a draw, one game a piece your trash talking got you into trouble, deal with it.
Golf – Well my boys won the Ryder Cup so I thought I should let an American know what a victory on European soil felt like.
Bowling – I’ll give you this win but I think you’re vast experience in playing with strange balls gave you an unfair advantage.
Pool – Five sessions we had and you won how many? yip a big fat zero.
Enjoy Manchester min, in case you didn’t know Man Utd are playing Liverpool on Saturday. Slim chances of getting a ticket but you might as well try.
Let’s get the record straight. I never wear items that I return for a cheaper price. That would unethical and down right wrong. Although, now that you bring it up……… If you have worn the item, you go back and buy a new one and return that one with the old receipt to get your money back. Does everyone follow that?
I plead guilty on all the rest. One can never have enough trinkets, doo-dads, figurines. Although I do disagree on odds and ends. I have reached my limit on them, thank you.