Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin!

I apologize as i’ve been lagginga bit on the blog. I am going to get you all caught up right now and let you know what was going on the past 2 weeks or so. Im going to take you back to Manchester.

Please note: due to the different keyboards where i am now please excuse any spellling mistakes. The z and the y have been switched…damnit why can’t they keep it all the same.

So the main reason for my visit to Manchester was to see two young ladies I met in South Africa, Natalee and Lucy. Natalee was on my 2 week overland tour and I met Lucy in Coffee Bay while backpacking up the coast. I stayed at Natalee’s for a few days, ( see roller disco entry.) The weekend of the 20th of October I went and stayed with Lucy. (Mom, i know what you are thinking so please send any comments and questions you have to me directly via email.)

During the weekend me and Lucy took a ride up to Blackpool, it’s about an hours drive from Manchester. It lies northwest of Manchester on the coast. I know in the past i’ve made references to Hampton Beach, which some of you may or may not understand. Hampton Beach was, and still probably is, a white trash playground for New Englanders. A chance to let their hair (mullet) down and their guts out. Perhaps a white trash version of the Riviera. It’s a great place for mullet hunting, seeing someone beat their kids in public and seeing the most amount of keystone light and milwaukees best consumed by the locals, usually in paper bags. Hampton Beach also turns into a teenage getaway during the hot summer months. It gives these local hoodlums a chance to show off their new rims and pump their new stereo speakers in their beatdown camaro as they just drive in a continous loop up the strip and then back around. I can’t say many good things about Hampton Beach. They have salt water taffy, descent seafood, fireworks, a casino and some B list performers every so often.

Now on to Blackpool. I honestly think you could switch the two places and not one person would notice…then again, what do you notice when you have fried dough in one hand, a hot dog in the other and a mouth full of cotton candy, while your kids are screaming and tugging on your “I don’t have an eating disorder, I was born this way” T-shirt:

“Mom…Mom…Mom…I’m hungry…I wanna play arcade games…wah wah wah wah.”

Lucy pretty much warned about what I was going to see but i still didn’t believe it when I saw it. This place was absolutely hilarious. One long street full of fish n’ chip shops, video arcades, a theme park called “Pleasure Beach”, a casino and yes, you guessed it, loads and loads of white trash families doing white trash things. I’ve taken alot of grief in my travels about Americans being fat and lazy, most of this coming from the mouths of people from the U.K. Perhaps these people never looked out their own doorstep, i don’t know. What I do know however is that this whole town could sink into the ground with all the weight trampling down upon it.

We walked up the street and did some fat people watching. My game viewing skills were still intact as it wasn’t too long since i’d been out of Africa. Now in Africa i didn’t see the Big 5, i missed the ever elusive Leopard. In Blackpool big game was everywhere, and sometimes I felt like it was more dangerous and more volatile. I’m not sure if I would be more afraid to take a piece of meat off a hungry lion or a piece of Fried Dough from a fat person, that’s a toss up.

So we walked on and Lucy informed me that I hadn’t been to Blackpool until I had some fish n’ chips. When in Rome, right? Out of the 1 million fish n’ chip shops in Blackpool we (Lucy) somehow managed to pick the most disguisting one. Apparently we must have mistakenly ordered ten extra layers of grease on the mighty piece of fried fish. We were both hungry so we ate it but I swear my heart aged about 10 years in about 10 minutes. For the rest of the day my stomach gurgled and groaned and I felt like the fat kid in Stand By Me…Boom Baba Boom Baba Boom Baba!

In the afternoon the skies opened up over Blackpool and rain came pissing down or as they say in Blackpool, ” it was absolutely lashing out.” We happened to be right in front of a candy and souvenir shop at the time. We took refuge as the rains poured down and had a look around. I have to say that I was quite amazed at what this shop had. One, it had fat people and screaming kids, i guess that goes without saying. It also had loads if gifts with pretty undiscreet sexual references. I won’t go into great detail as I want to keep it fairly clean but this is where the similarities between Hampton Beach and Blackpool end, or maybe i’m wrong. Giant penis’ made of candy everywhere. Hats and t-shirts with pretty raunchy references that kids were wearing…unbelievable. I guess we are much more censored in the states so perhaps that’s why it comes as quite a shock. We also sat and watched as they made the famous “Rock Candy.” We saw the guy roll it out and put it through the machine. As it came out of the machine he pulled it and they rolled it out into long thin sticks as the fat people, “oohed and aaaahed.” Is life not worth living when this is the best part of your day? Rock Candy pretty much looks like giant candy canes without the hook. They sell them in various flavors and colors. It has a no teeth back guarantee. Basically if you eat it and your teeth don’t fall out within 3 days you get your money back. Sorry, i cant do much more to sell you on it.

Once the rains let up we finished the day trying to see one of Blackpools more famous attractions, Illuminations. The Illuminations is a seasonal light show. Once the sun goes down all the lights hanging above and around the streets light up in a colorful show. We attempted to get in line behind the other cars to view the lights but made it only so far down the street due to the traffic before we headed off.

I don’t know if i’ll ever go to a place like Blackpool again, perhaps for my Honeymoon if i ever get married, but it was definitely worth a laugh.

I really enjoyed my time in Manchester. Manchester was definitely a place I would go back to again, I guess if i ever had a reason to go back. I have to thank Natalee and Lucy for putting up with me for the week, it’s not easy.

So after Manchester I flew to Austria on the 25th of October.

First of all, before I get into answering some of your questions, I want to make one thing absolutely clear:

Billy Jean is not my lover!! She’s just a girl who claims that I am the one!

Secondly I also want you to know…

People we live in a world with blogs and those blogs have to be written by people with a sense of humour. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Jeff Gagnon? You, Mark Lynch? You, Chad Anderson? You, Kelly Martin? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. And my blog, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, probably makes people laugh.

The reality is i’m not sure any of you want the truth…because in places deep down that you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on this blog, you need me on this blog!

I use words like unemployed, lazy, horny, broke, unmotivated, fart, turd,…I use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something…you use them as a punchline!

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the blanket of comedy and entertainment I provide in my blog and then question the manner in which i provide it. I’d prefer you all just said thank you, kept reading the blog and moved on your way. Otherwise I suggest you start your own blog and start writing. Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled too.

Now let’s get on to the matter of business that is answering some of the questions I’ve recieved.

Ryan from Reading Massachusetts asked:

What are you eating in Scotland?

Well Ryan, I’ve eaten Haggis. I think it’s the national dish of Scotland. I think it’s pretty much sheep guts. It didn’t taste too bad but because I knew what it was it was a bit hard to get it down. I think i’d rather throw up in my mouth than eat it again.

Kyle from Reading Massachusetts asked:

What was your favorite animal that you’ve seen on your trip?

I’d have to say that seeing an Orangutan was really great. There have been several other great animals but they would usually walk away when I would try to buy them a drink or say hello.

Curious George from Aberdeen Scotland asked:

I would like to know how many times you got your arse kicked at pool
while you were in Scotland?

Why do men have nipples?

Well Curious George (Kevin.) I’d have to say that i’m not quite sure how many times i got my arse kicked in pool because i was too busy gloating about my victories in Golf, Bowling and Darts.

I think men have nipples so they can be milked…I mean anything with a nipple can be milked, right?

Vince Vaughan from Wedding Crashers asked:

How many african flapjacks did you motorboat?

My answer for that is…Earmuffs!

Tom Gagnon from Amherst Massachusetts asked:

In which country did you produce the best farts?

How many little kids did you fart on?

How many dogs did you fart on?

Which foreign food enhances your farting capabilities?

What was the longest time, in seconds, that you went without farting?
Well Tom, I’d have to say that I produced the best farts in Vietnam. To my knowledge I only farted on one kids head, but don’t quote me on that. I didn’t fart on any dogs but now i’m regretting the fact that i haven’t. I think the best food to enhance your farting capabilities is Curry. I had a curry before i farted on the baby on the bus in Vietnam and I’m sure that kid will never be able to eat curry for the rest of it’s life. The longest time in seconds i went without farting would be….aaaah…rippppppppp…oops, there goes one, well that was about 3 seconds maybe?

Sheila Gagnon from Westford Massachusetts asked:

How many trinkets did you buy?

Which country had the best “odds and ends?”

Who makes the best “doo dads?”

Where could I buy the nicest lil’ knick knacks and figurines?

Where can you buy something and then return it a week later, after
wearing it, when you realize it went on sale for 20% off, and make the
salesperson feel bad for not giving you 40%?

Which country has the highest rates of little kids losing eyeballs,
going blind or deaf or paralyzed from seemingly innocent and harmless
behaviors?
Well Mom, those are some amazing questions. I’ve bought quite a few trinkets, if i’m guilty of anything it’s definitely that. As far as the best odds and ends, give me some time to think about that. I think you can only get doo-dads in the U.S.A. I’ll give the nod to Africa on lil’ knick knacks and figurines. I don’t have any idea where you came up with the next question about buying things and returning it. In most countries you go to prison for things like that or they cut limbs off…perhaps you are familiar with the term, thief? And to answer your last question I think Dracut Massachusetts still ranks number 1 for broken necks and lost eyeballs due to harmless behaviors.

Jim Gagnon from Westford, Massachusetts asked:

Which countries had the nicest lawns?

Who is leading the world in lawnmower technology development?

What is the seed to sod ratio in Namibia’s southern grasslands region?
Is it double or triple that in Botswana?
Well Dad, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Merry Ole England has some nice lawns. As far as leading technology I think only the U.S.A really ranks anywhere in that field. I can’t say much about the sod ratio in Namibia’s southern grasslands region other than you have too much time on your hands. Get a life!

Dan Gagnon from Richmond, Virginia asked:

Is Dinty Moore Beef Stew made in Hong Kong?

Well Dan, another great question. Dinty Moore Beef Stew is actually made in Hong Kong. They have an all-you-can-eat buffet in Kowloon. For $10 U.S. dollars you can eat all the dinty moore beef stew you want. You can get merchandise and get your picture taken with Dinty Moore himself.

Jeff Gagnon from San Diego California asked:

What country had the best selection of casual 90’s types of shoes?

Hahahahah…what a loser…who would ask such a stupid question?

Maggie from Richmond Virginia asked:

Did the Lions hump your leg?

Well maggie, to be quite honest, they didn’t hump my leg. I think if they had humped my leg I’d be walking with a prosthetic right now, great question.

Luke Skywalker from Dagobah asked:

How many converters did you pick up in Taji Station?

Answer this question I can…However, be with you the force is, already you shall know!

Thanks to those of you who asked questions and please feel free to keep them coming as I will do my best to answer them.

I’ll give you a quick update as to the goings on. I’m currently in Manchester, that’s in England for those of you geographically challenged. I’m visiting a friend I met on safari in Africa. I arrived by bus yesterday (tuesday) from Aberdeen. Last night we went to a Roller Disco, yes a Roller Disco. I can now officially check it off the listl. For £3 we got a pair of roller-skates and got to skate the night away. I will admit i did fall flat on my ass once and it felt even worse cause I was completely sober when it happened. Another funny thing did happen at the bar last night as well. I had to go and take a whiz so I skated my way over to the toilet. Up two flights of small stairs and into the bathroom I went. When I opened the door I saw a guy standing at the mirror fixing his hair or something, I wasn’t really paying attention. I turned and hit the urinal and I had my back to this guy as I was having a pee. A few seconds later I heard him say the following:

“I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

We were the only two in the bathroom so I really couldn’t imagine who else he could have been saying this to other than me. I was taken back a bit and had no idea how to respond. The silence after he said that was deafening. A few things crossed my mind:

Should I turn around?

Should I pretend I didn’t hear anything?

Was I finally going to get action on my trip?

Would I be able to brag about the action that I got on my trip?

Football, Football, Football!

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day…Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

Well, ultimately I wouldn’t have to worry about any of those things as it turned out the guy was on a cell phone and probably had no idea I was standing there in the bathroom.

I hope you enjoy the post and if there is not another post up in the next few days..

Then just wait longer!

Also, I’ve posted pictures up on the photo site…have a look!