parenting in public
by Mama
When you read this we will be in the midst of our most public parenting adventure so far – spending three days and two nights with a group of people we don’t know trekking through the hills around Chiang Mai – I guess there might be a tree to hide behind if we need it.
Being out-n-about every day instead of home for a good portion of every week as we were accustomed to, was initially unsettling to the children, and it also meant our usual home-based consequences were of little or even no significance at all. We had to experiment with different ways of *parenting* and for the first month we seemed to change our mind as often as our underwear. Now for our underwear, it was possibly not quite often enough; as far as the children were concerned, it spelt INCONSISTENCY.
A major part of the problem was the pace of the first three weeks. This was both intentional and at the same time largely out of our control. If we were starting the trip over again, we would still do it the same way, even though we could have made it easier on ourselves; the benefits of fitting in with family outweighed the minor-in-the-overall-scheme-of-things inconvenience.
Now that we’ve had a few weeks on our own, and in particular a whole week of very slow play-at-home-in-the-morning-days, everyone is more relaxed and peaceful. We have mooched about the guesthouse, writing journals, playing games, riding bikes, turning pink playdough into joss sticks and roti, even doing some knitting. Not needing to rush off anywhere, we have been able to address issues immediately and completely. This seems to be key for the younger ones (under 8). The older ones are much more able to cope with, “We’ll discuss this when we get home.”
Two of our younger four have fiery loud reactions to things that meet with their disapproval – the other two are quiet and much less embarrassing, though just as much in need of correction. At home, the explosive temperaments would benefit from having space to calm down and they would usually be ready quite quickly to rejoin the family and participate in a respectful manner. Not being able to give this space is probably the biggest challenge. It means we often employ two other tactics, neither of which is ideal. Either we 1) ignore behaviour (which invariably escalates, so we end up using tactic Number Two) or 2) go head to head, which can be ugly. Doesn’t help that people offer lollies or mandarins to crying children 😉
We found we were offering choices much more as a means of securing compliance – but it worked against us, and fairly quickly. I’ve always believed kids like the security of knowing Mum and Dad have things under control, so I’m surprised at myself for going down this dead-end path. Funnily enough, it was the smallest one who had the greatest reaction. It didn’t take her long to think she could call all the shots – she thought she could argue about whether, when and where to go to bed, what and how much to eat, what to wear, whether she should walk, go in the stroller or be carried, and by whom……when we recognised where we had ended up, we determined to make our collective presence as Loving Knowledgeable Got-it-sorted (even if we didn’t!) Boss felt. Choosing just one issue to deal with, we decided I would carry ER2 in the wrap whenever we went out. She screamed her way up and down the Sunday Market for a couple of hours. Not being able to find a safe quiet spot for her to calm down, I just walked briskly so no one person would be subjected to too much of ER. For the four kilometre walk home she continued to fuss on and off. The next morning she grizzled for two minutes on the way to lunch. One minute on the return walk. In the evening even less. What’s more, that night she went to bed without complaint. Before you think it was *that simple*, she woke the following night and screamed for an hour in the middle of the night in a guesthouse where there are other people staying and we did not know what to do apart from covering her mouth and holding her down until she stopped.
When you read this, I hope she’s happily asleep on the bamboo floor of a hut, safely tucked under her mosquito net!
We have yet to work out what makes Mboy6 tick, although there *was* a glimmer of hope the other day. He echoed some of the words Grandpa had shared with the kids before leaving: You are older and wiser than me and you have more experience, so you know what is best. He repeated it almost verbatim!!
Most probably one of the biggest issues for us is that there is always someone doing something that needs a gentle reminder (or gets a short sharp snap when we are out of control ourselves)….but this is a big family issue, not a travelling with children issue! On the two occasions when we have wondered if we should have waited another three years, we remind ourselves *that* aspect would not have changed. The relentlessness of the task will be the same wherever we are, so we might as well be somewhere exciting!!!
Tags: children, parenting, postcard: Thailand
rayres
I’ve found this post real food for thought, as it’s something that has been bothering me about travelling with our children. At the moment, when we do a trip out with our children aged 6,4 and 2, we tend to spend the morning at a museum or other activity, followed by lunch and then return home for some quiet time and maybe a trip to the local playground. Whenever we’ve attempted a whole day of activity, someone usually loses the plot (including me!) so I don’t know how we’ll cope with travelling. I guess your suggestions for taking it slow at the guesthouse will work for us too. Thanks again for writing such interesting posts, I really enjoy logging on to your site to see what you’ve added. Best wishes
parenting can be challenging sometimes
good on you for being good parents
praying for you all
just read Victorias response and I guess its all about pacing oneself and the family and their needs and abilities
I also enjoyed this post – it is hard in those situations when one is away from home and especially when staying with others, to know how to keep things consistent … I really got a lot from this post! I often pray for you with this in mind. Blessings to you and yours.
actually I was just this afternoon thinking of you and your tribe walking to and shopping in the GE shops as I found myself in the local chinese grocery shop unable to get only two boys to just stay by me instead of running around and squealing. I thought about options: to never do grocery shopping with them again, or perhaps with just one, strapped in the Ergo. But I much prefer finding a way to train them to stay by my side. Sigh.
hey, sounds like my little girl is going to fit in nicely!!! 🙂
Sounds like you are having real fun.
Doesn’t help that people offer lollies or mandarins to crying children
lol, glad my lollipops have Gone Global.
love you X
I’m not sure whether it’s a big-family thing or travelling-with-kids thing so much as just a ‘kids’ thing! (Especially young kids). Even in our family of 4 kids (or, as I’ve noticed, my cousins’ family of 2 kids), at home or on holiday, if there’s inconsistency or tiredness or just plain old disobedience kids will push boundaries – travelling, or being out, just makes how you deal with it different and often difficult! I sure recognised some of the symptoms you discussed and that’s coming from a much smaller family! 😉
We wrote about this coz we wanted people to know the good, the bad and the ugly – it’s not all plain sailing and we wanted to be honest about it!