Anatomy of my ego..a course in miracles Ch.4,938,321,083,048,704,999
(it’s the soundtrack for this post)
All the misunderstandings, maybe I could’ve, we could’ve taken a step back and see where all the places where we don’t love ourselves instead of coming out of reaction, hurt and ego.
And I see how I still need to grow in more places, that I’m not perfect still, that I’m not so damn righteous, and where I want to just protect myself.
Finding the new ways of being, forging a new path, unknown, and still doing, being the best that I can. Why do I feel the need to be the best, most understanding, most enlightened person. I can only learn and do better the next time, I can only grow and be, when it stops who knows, whom I’ll be with God only knows. Why it feels and seems so important to me to be with a man, I don’t know.
Yes, though I do, somewhere, I still look outside of myself for affections, sharing, love, truth and beauty, to have that experience. And once I’m in I only want out. But that has changed, at least it seemed to have, but who is to say down the line, that part of me would’ve emerged, the part that just gives up and wants to move on.
So I have to stay away, potentially toxic situation, am I being afraid of that? Afraid of causing myself more pain, when there is nothing really there, but remembering to come from love and communicate that instead of being hostile? I’m so sorry. I apologize for that. I became scared.
In my mind there’s a place, that says, you could’ve explored all that, if you were brave enough to when you were face to face. But I tried that, and I and he were entangled, only fighting for ourselves, and protecting ourselves. But not wanting to lose the other. When there is no losing, there is no such thing as losing, winning, it’s all attachments. There is nothing, no-thing. Maybe exploring that no-thingness for meaning, maybe that’s the fault of it all, seeing the illusion for what it really is Not.
But I remember you said, you couldn’t grow because you didn’t see the problem and I was oh so willing at pointing it out.
So to the next man, to the next time, when the fear of losing love outside of ourselves, and from that fear of pain, I just pray that I can at least still be loving and not hostile when I don’t like what I’m hearing. And still remove myself from the ego and that this new man can remove himself from the ego, that I am whole and complete with this newly found love, that the love was already there, we just wanted to share that, and share a human experience with sex, companionship, intimacy and I just feel so much regret that I didn’t go there, open and filled with love instead of fear.
I thought I was vulnerable, I thought I had a right to protect my interests. I thought it right to be exclusive, what am I exactly afraid of? Where does that lie in monogamy, what is that all about? I don’t know.
I don’t want to admit that I feel fine with multiple partners, perhaps not all the time but some of the time. And that would fade away too, but what does that mean when you go back to the first one, it changes the dynamic, wouldn’t it? The drama appears, fear appears. Someone, somewhere will feel it. And I? I will say again, too much of my energy into other men, when enough I can share with one man again, perhaps that is the reason why monogamy is so attractive to me.
Oh all the reasons where I thought I had approved, how cocky I was and still am and how lucky that I experienced through someone else’s mirror it all. Now I know, what will I know next time? How many next times? This is the wounded ego asking….
And there is no wound and there is no ego, as there is no me and there is no him. There is only love. And these words don’t exist, only everything is a tool to remember I am god. God. I am God. I am fully Love, I am fully that love that I label as God. I am God that I fully label as love.
And the open heart, is so wide open. I cannot believe it, and I am so grateful that through all of this, I have at least learned to live with that open heart. Thank you. I thank every one that I ever met, ever read, ever, ever, ever, everything.
The unfolding continues, where it leads, doesn’t matter. There is joy in all the confusion, in all the peace in all the organization, dischord, harmony. Solid. Solid. Solid, and yet so un-imaginably vulnerable to fear, it only makes this body, this spirit, this ego, solid, unified. Perhaps the ego will be aligned with love, aligned with God, but until then, I can still love this ego.
I made that deal with god oh so long ago. 😀
Tags: a course in miracles, attachment, break up, ego, god, kate bush, men, pride, recovering, relationship, The Path of Life
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