Stay Classy Cambodia!
I’m slightly under the influence of an extremely happy pizza so bear with me for this post. I will explain what the extremely happy pizza is but we have a few things we need to be caught up on first.
Me and Andy purchased our $5 bus tickets from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. There were basically 3 options for the bus ride:
Option 1: 9$ – Bus Included, A/C, Water, Movie and a small meal, with bigger seats.
Option 2: 6$ – Bus Included A/C, and Movie
Option 3: $5 – Bus Included a goat that walked up and down the aisles, ok not really. A baby who vomited that sat next to Andy. A guy with an extremely hairy mole that sat next to me. This hair was at least 2 inches in lenghth. It also had seats with enough leg room so that you were actually sitting with your knees under your chin. It provided A/C that couldn’t cool down the Arctic Circle. Last and most importantly it provided a movie screen that played endless loops of Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos….I will explain!
We were happy that we went with the $5 option until we found out that everyone on the bus paid about 3.75…stupid guesthouse ripoff!
So let’s get back to the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. These are absolutely the worst things in the world to listen to. The music, the singing, everything, it is awful. I wonder if there are mom’s and dad’s in cambodia who call the cable company to have the Cambodian Karaoke Music Video channel removed because it’s a bad influence on their kids? I tell you though this thing could be used as punishment if need be. If Jack Bauer got his hands on a few copies of some Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos it would turn a season of 24 into one episode.
“Damnit Chloe…I’ve got the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos…where are these bastards?”
(Chloe making her epic frowning face) “Jack…hold on…i’m trying to call up the coordinates…it’s taking longer than I thought.”
Then Edgar turns to Jack and says, “Jack I think I can find it…just give me a minute longer…)
Chloe says: “Edgar…shut up…i have it right here.”
Jack then is able to establish direct video communication with the terrrorists and then plays the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos only to watch them bash their skulls out and detinate the nuclear bomb on their laps instead of on L.A.
This is the effect 6 hours of this stuff can do to you. I would rather have front row seats and backstage passes to a Worldwide Hansen Reunion Tour than listen to this junk. You could lock me in a padded room and play “mmmmmmmm…bop” over and over and it would be absolutely nothing compared to this. I’d rather bring home 10 bad report cards to my dad on the day he got fired unexpectedly from his job than listen to Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. I’d rather have a prostate exam from Captain Hook than listen to Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. Please tell me this is registering with you.
So after 6 painstaking hours we arrived in Sieam Reap. As the bus pulled into the station I looked out the window and saw about 50 or so guys sprinting right next to the bus as it came to a stop. Now this was no ordinary sprinting. This was the kind of sprinting that Rocky did in Rocky II. The sprint scene where all the kids were running behind him and he took off. Then there was that one kid who made a valiant attempt to keep up with him but couldn’t. Picture that scene now with 50 Cambodian guys and not little kids. These guys are crazy, they stand outside the exit to the bus screaming and yelling…
“Tuk Tuk…you need guesthouse…Motorbike ride…guesthouse…aaaah!
Holy Cruddbugglers…walking off the bus with all those people around made me feel like I was in the band on the Worldwide Hansen Reunion Tour as it pulled into Dracut, Massachusetts. They are grabbing you and pushing you and getting right up in your face…it’s unbelievable. As a joke i took my bags and starting sprint walking circles around the bus only to be followed by almost all of them…absolutley hilarious. Me and Andy looked at each other, broke out laughing and realized it was one of those moments that would make for a good story. I know now what it must have been like to be that one kid in the pot lot at Dracut High who actually had a good bad of weed…could you imagine all the attention he would have gotten…Dan you may have to help answer this one.
We finnally got a ride to a nice guesthouse for free and for $3 a night we got a hut with two mattresses and a giant mosquito net.
If you are bothered by beggars and people trying to sell you stuff stay away from Siem Reap. Kids, no older than 10 years old are on the streets selling anything from books, to bracelets, to water, to gum, to bread…you name it. I hate seeing the kids have to work like this. Some of the kids are little punks or decroded pieces of crap. Most are really cute and innocent and meant to make you feel bad to by something, which usually works. I had one little girl harrass me pretty much the whole day at the temples to buy bracelets. At lunchtime I told her I would come back and look, hoping she would give up and go away. 1 hour later she was still sitting outisde the restaurant waiting for me…horrible. I told her no again and she got mad because she said…
“You promised Mr.”
Finnally at the end of the day i bought a few bracets from her for 50 cents. If the kids aren’t begging you to buy things they are simply begging for money while holding a sickly young baby in their hands…yeah, that’s pleasant. It’s so hard for me to be cold and not acknowledge their presence. I have to say hello and make jokes with them, but they won’t take no for an answer and they make you feel guilty if you don’t buy. The problem is that the kids go home and give the money to mom and dad. Ask them where the money goes and that’s what they say. These kid’s are not in school but most can speak amazing english. They probably can’t get to level 1-2 on Super Mario Brothers but it’s not because their dad put their nintendo in his trunk. I feel bad that these kids don’t get the chance to sit around and watch tv all day or chat on the internet. They don’t get to supersize their Spicy McChicken or get to wash it down with Cotton Candy. Sadly thought they don’t come home from school to do their homework so that they can go out and play with their friends…they work for a living. I feel like if i was raised in Cambodia my dad would have had me selling books on the street because he would have known I didn’t belong in school…
“Not with these Maaaaaaaaaaaaahks…you aaaaah goin’ nowhea fast. Gonna end up makin pizza ya whole life…is that what you want…you betta staht producin.”
My Reply:
“I hate you…i wish you weren’t my real father.”
The temples of Angor Wat themselvs were nice but not my type of thing. I felt like I was on a school field trip…although to be fair Angkor Wat doesn’t look like a wastewater treatment plant. The Temples are beautiful, there is a ton of history but it’s hot and humid and after 10 hours i’d had enough. If you are a history buff or an archaeological buff…or are just hoping to be any kind of “buff”, i mean i’d like to be a buff of something, this would be the place for you. It is one of the 7 Man Made wonders of the world…that’s gotta be worth something.
On our last night out in Siem Reap, me, andy and a guy nate from american we had met, went out to the bar and played some pool. We paid, 35 cents for a beer, and played pool for a few hours. As I looked around I noticed that what I thought to be a bunch of beautiful woman at the bar was actually a bunch of ladyboys. There is nothing more manly than sinking the 8 ball in the corner pocket as a bunch of guys dressed up as woman are cheering you on. If you are ever in a situation where you are not sure if that lady is a guy here a few things to look for:
– If they ask you if you want sex while their standing next to you at a urinal, it’s probably not a lady.
– If while whispering sweet nothings into your ear you notice their adam’s apple rubbing up against yours, it’s probably not a lady.
– If they have “man hands”….yes man hands!
So I enjoyed Siem Reap and would love to go back. We then had to take the 6 hour bus ride back to Phnom Penh. No, not more Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. Just picture me on my knees next to the bus with my hands raised to the air and screaming…
“I will get you Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos…I will get yooooooooooooooooooou.”
Back in Phnom Penh, pronounce the P in Phnom as a hard P, me and andy went through the rock star bus exit again and settled in a nice guesthouse on the lake in Phnom Penh. Andy had bought a football in Thailand that he likes to call the “Gridiron.” We found a local park and when we started throwing it around, we became instant celebrities. Watching a Cambodian look at this thing and try to figure out how to throw it is hilarious. They have no clue how to do it and when one guys throws it and it’s horrible all the others laugh until it’s their turn to throw and the ball goes up in the air and spins like a helicopter only to land about 10 feet in front of me. We did this for two days at this park and had an absolutely great time. It was a chance to see how much fun and good spirited these Cambodians are. The smile on their face is usually genuine and there are so many good people who have dealt with horrible things.
So tonight me and Andy went out to dinner at this place called the “Flying Elephant.” We sat down and opened up the menu. They had Khmer food and western food. I hadn’t had a pizza in a while and when i saw the page i nearly dropped the menu. I could tottally crush a pizza, i said to myself. Right at the top of the menu, below where it said pizza was this sentence that said…
Happy, picture of a smiley face, 50 cents.
Extremely Happy,smiley face, $1.00
I asked the server what it meant and he went behind the counter and brought a bag of weed over to the table and said…
“You want to get Happy or Extremely Happy.”
I looked across the table at Andy and we both pretty much agreed that we wanted to get Extremely Happy! You order a pizza and sprinkle the mary-jane on top of it…It’s really strong Oregano man…hahahahaha…it’s cooooooool!
So that is the present state of mind I’m in right now. Although I didn’t get extremely happy, or even that happy, It was still a good pizza. I Imagine that if my brother Tom ever came to Cambodia it would be his favorite restaurant. Here is tom’s reaction if I had said that to his face in front of our family….
Tom’s hands raised in the air…”No it wouldn’t be….why do you have to say that…your such an asshole…God… that’s the last time I tell you anything.”
Here would be my mom’s reaction to that…
“He doesn’t do that…does he? Don’t you think I would know if he was doing that?”
Here would be my Dad’s reaction to that…
“You know Tom…if you wanna fry your brains out that’s fine…but when you need money to waste on pizza and beer don’t come to me.”
Tom’s Reaction:
“O.K Dad…Why don’t you go back to Nab?”
This would all be happening as me, jeff and dad would be laughing and making faces at Tom.
So tomorrow, July 9th, I will wake up and board a bus to Vietnam. I want you all to picture me on a bus listening to Cambodian Karoake Music Videos while the song, “Paint it Black,” by the stones is playing in my head. Isn’t that the song that always has to be playing when there is movie about the Vietnam war and guys are being shown in a helicopter peppering the ground with bullets?
Tags: Angkor Wat, Cambodia, Phnom Penh, Siem Reap
Gagnonius
Brian,
I wish I could simultaneously give voice overs to the dialogues you created in your blog.
I want to know if you have met the Cambodian version of Jim Gagnon.
Brian,
Your nucking futz! Oregano Pizza!?! Stay away for the extra sugar in the coffee there. I think the best part of my work day besides listening to the new noise maker (more on that in a minute) is reading your posts, and your families reaction to them. Your Mom’s (Hi Mrs. Gagnon) especially. When you get back to the World we need to play them in 45’s so we can get our taint’s handed to us again.
So this moment in Corporate Culture is brought to you by the fine people at the Marpac Corporation proud makers of the Sound Screen which basically sounds like a hairdryer on extra low. Now I can’t hear people in the other cubicals. Enjoy not being at work you lucky stiff.
Phil Hendry retired from radio last month. They are playing replays all summer on 570.
Back in the World:
Red Sox took two of three in Chicago this weekend. Lost in 19 innings yesterday. Took like 6 hours to play. Papi was awesome, so was Lester who is now 4-0. The Sox are looking pretty good and have a 3 game lead heading into the break. They are said to be interested in Bobby Abreu. I will keep you posted.
Kobayshi ate 53 ¾ hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes on the 4th of July. New World Record. He was seen slinking off afterwards with Nicole Richie to offload all the extra weight. How do you not finish off that last 1/4 of a hot dog? You’ve come that far. In for a penny in for a pound right!?!
Here are two emails that made it on to Rome. The second was read by the Brothers Sklar.
Rome,
I think after that email Scott from Beaverton should be listed as one of the smartest people in the jungle. I don’t care how pumped Skip Bayless is. Pumped up idiot is still an idiot.
-Mark from Beantown
WAR Me taking a vacation when Rome does
Hey Sklars,
Let me sum up the Canadian smack for you.
Oot, aboot, Barry Melrose, mullets, oot, aboot, biscuit in the basket, help us out in the next World War, oot, aboot.
-Mark from Beantown
WAR Eddy Guerrero’s Mullet
Papi’s in the Home Run Derby. I hope he doesn’t over extend himself tonight and jack his swing up so he falls off a bit in the second half.
Chipper’s Bachelor Party is this weekend. So far here’s my line:
18 IP, era 2.25 1-1 20 K’s.
Will look to break .500 and lower that era.
Late.
-Lynch
Brian,
I would like to tell a story that should make its way into family legend in the coming years, and which your faithful worldwide readers should hear and be forewarned.
There are numerous witnesses to this incredible demonstration of fearlessness, but let me be the author of details to the events that transpired at the Hinostro BBQ last week.
Mom and Dad were in town and the Hinostros hosted a BBQ with Karen and Fred, Brian and Carey, Mike and Tiff, and Nikki and myself. To picture this important scene, imagine that Bobby is sitting underneath the tree limb that extends into the yard above the brick patio – it is the limb that has the bird feeders on it.
Anyway, we are all sitting around the patio in the backyard when Mike says to Bobby, “Hey Dad, there is a rat in the tree above your head.” Well, everyone starts to scream and sure enough, there is a pretty good size rat walking across the tree limb. As we watch, mesmerized, by the boldness of this rat, it continues down the limb and nestles into the birdfeeder, where it proceeds to munch on the seeds.
Bobby calmly gets up, walks over to the grill and grabs the steel tongs that were used for the sausages.
As he walks toward the rat I’m thinking, “Is he going to do what it looks like he’s about to do?”
And he does.
He reaches out and grabs the rat with the tongs. Amazingly, this rat didn’t even move when everyone was screaming and yelling. So he was able to just walk up and grab it! As it twisted in the steel grip of impending death, Bobby walked over to the garbage barrels in the driveway.
At this point, my mind searched for his upcoming decision…”What was he going to do with the rat? Drop it, live, in the barrel and close the lid? Let it go? Kill it with a shovel?”
Sadly, none of these were to be the option our fearless leader chose.
Instead, as the helpless rat squeaked, “Mercy!! Mercy!!” as he twisted in the steel grip of death, Bobby gently lowered the unfortunate rodent to the ground and exhausted its short life in what I would consider a rather unusual way….
He crushed it under his foot.
To put this in perspective, it wasn’t as if Bobby was wearing steel-toed construction boots (although Tom would have been useful here), or a strong pair of shit kicking work boots. No, it was just a half inch of rubber sole from his reliable hiking shoes that muscled the life out of poor Mr. Jingles.
I must admit that out of any option my mind conjured in that split second, crushing the rat (which was roughly the size of an 12oz water bottle) with his shoe was not tops on the list. In fact, it didn’t crack my top 50.
Nonetheless, the disintegration of rat brain under the foot of the legendary Mexican “hombro loco” is now imprinted in my mind forever.
As he walked back to the group and the grill, with a sadistic, satisfied grin, holding the steel gripping tongs of death, he sank into his chair, propped his blood and brain dripping foot onto the table and asked,
“Anyone want a bratwurst!?!??”
Women fainted. Grown men wept openly. Children across southern California saw nightmares in their dreams that night, for the image of clicking grill tongs rang like a death bell in all our minds.
At that moment, my hamburger just didn’t seem as appetizing as before.
The human world knows some historically infamous and terrifying minds, but the rodent world should forever think twice about the cool, calculating actions of Roberto “The Crusher” Hinostro before venturing a single paw into his yard or even thinking about stealing one scrap of bird seed from his feeder ever again.
Indeed, all such rats should consider the words of the poet John Donne when he wrote in 1624, “Any rat’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in ratkind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
Hi there traveller!
Sounds like you have a great trip!
Seems like you’ve found some new nice pizza recepies too. Maybe somthing to introduce when you come home again 😉
Take care!
Love Anna