Get Busy Livin or Get Busy Dyin!

Goooooooooooooooood Morning Vietnam! Ha Ha…I’ve always wanted to say that from Vietnam. So I’ve finnally arrived in Vietnam, what a lovely place. Took a bus ride from Phnom Penh all the way to Saigon or Ho Chi Minh City for $4. Sadly enough there were no Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos on this bus. Crossing into Vietnam was probably one of the most painstaking processes you could ever imagine. Finding a bloody pen to fill out the immigration forms was a 20 minute process. Maybe because it’s a communist country they have to share pens equally throughout the country. After clearing the border and being allowed in we finnally arrived after about 8 hours of traveling. Saigon moves at a pace that would make your head spin. Motorbikes outnumber cars at least 10 to 1. Crossing the street is like walking a tight rope over the Grand Canyon without a safety harness while wearing a speedo. After sever near collisions I decided to walk across the street with my head down without looking. This makes it easier and less scary and it makes you feel like moses as you part the sea of motorbikes. Me and Andy went to the War Remnants Museum yesterday. It is a collection of U.S. planes, tanks and helicopters all leftover from the war. It is a pretty one sided depiction of the war…surprise surprise. Sadly enough I don’t know much about the war, I think it’s partly because I was absent the day they taught the Vietnam war in school and also because I think that America doesn’t want to teach and educate it’s people about a war that was so controversial and ultimately unsuccessful. This museum is littered with photos of people who are either being tortured by American soldiers or of people who are suffering the effects of the napolm and agent orange that was dropped by America all over the Vietnam countryside. I know that if I went to a Museum in the U.S. dedicated to the Vietnam war I would probably see a different story, probably not an entirely true one but different. I’m sure the real truth behind the war would fall somewhere in the middle of what each country would depict. Either way, these museums are not watered down, they are harsh, cold, and depict some of the most horrible images you could imagine. On display in glass jars are siamese babies with defects from the toxic chemicals dropped…it’s tough to look at. There are photos of american soldiers crowded around a hole in the ground filled with bodies that have dirt all the way up to their necks. There is a photo of an American Soldier smiling as he picks up the head and a few remains of a Vietnamese person who was just shredded by a bomb of somekind or a landmine. There is a photo of an American tank riding down the street with two people being dragged from behind. These images may never leave my head you just have to wonder what people are thinking when this stuff is happening. What’s even worse is knowing that it is still happening today in Iraq. Now i’m gonna sing a song:

“War…huh…what is it good for? Absolutly nothing…say it again.”

Ok, sorry, enough of that.

All in all Ho Chi Minh or Saigon is a nice welcome into Vietnam. Like any big southeast asian city it is filled with people trying to sell you anything. Our first night we were solicited by a 4 year old girl. It was 10 o’clock and we were sitting outside at a bar having a beer. She walked up to us with her pajamas on with a pack of gum she was trying to sell. She spoke very good english and had the sense to negotiate the price. I have several cousins around this age and it’s hard to understand how parents here can let them do it, but they do and it works.

Traveling through all these different countries pretty much makes you a currency exchange expert…or at least it should. You are constantly dealing and negotiating rates and paying for things in American, mostly in Cambodia and recieving local currency as change. When I arrived in Vietnam I headed straight for an ATM to get cash. Unlike Cambodia which gives you american dollars from the ATM, Vietnam gives you their currency which is the Dong…yes, the Dong. So I put my card in, pushed my passcode and was given the option to take out the following amounts of money:

– 100,000

– 500,000

– 1,000,000

– 1,500,000

– 2,000,000

After several seconds of trying to do the math in my head i figured that 100,000 would surely be enough. So i pushed the button and one bill came out, it was a 100,000 note. Off to the bar I went with Andy. We sat down and got a beer and the beer cost, 20,000. Oops! Basically I had taken out about $8. My bank also charges me $3 to use the atm internationally…not good. The next day I went to the ATM and took out 2 Million Dong, it is absolutely crazy to think that I took out that much money from an ATM, i felt like i was Donald Trump or something. 2 Million is about $130 U.S.

So tonight me and Andy are heading out of town on the overnight bus to Nah Trang. It is north of Saigon on the coast. We have booked a boat tour to do some snorkeling and to visit some islands. I also hope to do some diving here as well. From there we head north to Ho Ain, and then to Hue before arriving in Hanoi, my final place of departure in SE Asia before i fly to Hong Kong. I pushed my plane ticket back a few days out of Hanoi to give myself a few more days. The one advantage of booking with a travel agent is the ease in which you can change your ticket. It took me about 5 minutes in a Cathay Pacific office, that is my airline, to change it, and it cost nothing…very convenient.

I’m working on getting some photos up so you can check the photo site and hopefully i can get a few up. Hope all is well with everyone and please for crying out loud send me some freaking e-mails.

I’m slightly under the influence of an extremely happy pizza so bear with me for this post. I will explain what the extremely happy pizza is but we have a few things we need to be caught up on first.

Me and Andy purchased our $5 bus tickets from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap. There were basically 3 options for the bus ride:

Option 1: 9$ – Bus Included, A/C, Water, Movie and a small meal, with bigger seats.

Option 2: 6$ – Bus Included A/C, and Movie

Option 3: $5 – Bus Included a goat that walked up and down the aisles, ok not really. A baby who vomited that sat next to Andy. A guy with an extremely hairy mole that sat next to me. This hair was at least 2 inches in lenghth. It also had seats with enough leg room so that you were actually sitting with your knees under your chin. It provided A/C that couldn’t cool down the Arctic Circle. Last and most importantly it provided a movie screen that played endless loops of Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos….I will explain!

We were happy that we went with the $5 option until we found out that everyone on the bus paid about 3.75…stupid guesthouse ripoff!

So let’s get back to the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. These are absolutely the worst things in the world to listen to. The music, the singing, everything, it is awful. I wonder if there are mom’s and dad’s in cambodia who call the cable company to have the Cambodian Karaoke Music Video channel removed because it’s a bad influence on their kids? I tell you though this thing could be used as punishment if need be. If Jack Bauer got his hands on a few copies of some Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos it would turn a season of 24 into one episode.

“Damnit Chloe…I’ve got the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos…where are these bastards?”

(Chloe making her epic frowning face) “Jack…hold on…i’m trying to call up the coordinates…it’s taking longer than I thought.”

Then Edgar turns to Jack and says, “Jack I think I can find it…just give me a minute longer…)

Chloe says: “Edgar…shut up…i have it right here.”

Jack then is able to establish direct video communication with the terrrorists and then plays the Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos only to watch them bash their skulls out and detinate the nuclear bomb on their laps instead of on L.A.

This is the effect 6 hours of this stuff can do to you. I would rather have front row seats and backstage passes to a Worldwide Hansen Reunion Tour than listen to this junk. You could lock me in a padded room and play “mmmmmmmm…bop” over and over and it would be absolutely nothing compared to this. I’d rather bring home 10 bad report cards to my dad on the day he got fired unexpectedly from his job than listen to Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. I’d rather have a prostate exam from Captain Hook than listen to Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. Please tell me this is registering with you.

So after 6 painstaking hours we arrived in Sieam Reap. As the bus pulled into the station I looked out the window and saw about 50 or so guys sprinting right next to the bus as it came to a stop. Now this was no ordinary sprinting. This was the kind of sprinting that Rocky did in Rocky II. The sprint scene where all the kids were running behind him and he took off. Then there was that one kid who made a valiant attempt to keep up with him but couldn’t. Picture that scene now with 50 Cambodian guys and not little kids. These guys are crazy, they stand outside the exit to the bus screaming and yelling…

“Tuk Tuk…you need guesthouse…Motorbike ride…guesthouse…aaaah!

Holy Cruddbugglers…walking off the bus with all those people around made me feel like I was in the band on the Worldwide Hansen Reunion Tour as it pulled into Dracut, Massachusetts. They are grabbing you and pushing you and getting right up in your face…it’s unbelievable. As a joke i took my bags and starting sprint walking circles around the bus only to be followed by almost all of them…absolutley hilarious. Me and Andy looked at each other, broke out laughing and realized it was one of those moments that would make for a good story. I know now what it must have been like to be that one kid in the pot lot at Dracut High who actually had a good bad of weed…could you imagine all the attention he would have gotten…Dan you may have to help answer this one.

We finnally got a ride to a nice guesthouse for free and for $3 a night we got a hut with two mattresses and a giant mosquito net.

If you are bothered by beggars and people trying to sell you stuff stay away from Siem Reap. Kids, no older than 10 years old are on the streets selling anything from books, to bracelets, to water, to gum, to bread…you name it. I hate seeing the kids have to work like this. Some of the kids are little punks or decroded pieces of crap. Most are really cute and innocent and meant to make you feel bad to by something, which usually works. I had one little girl harrass me pretty much the whole day at the temples to buy bracelets. At lunchtime I told her I would come back and look, hoping she would give up and go away. 1 hour later she was still sitting outisde the restaurant waiting for me…horrible. I told her no again and she got mad because she said…

“You promised Mr.”

Finnally at the end of the day i bought a few bracets from her for 50 cents. If the kids aren’t begging you to buy things they are simply begging for money while holding a sickly young baby in their hands…yeah, that’s pleasant. It’s so hard for me to be cold and not acknowledge their presence. I have to say hello and make jokes with them, but they won’t take no for an answer and they make you feel guilty if you don’t buy. The problem is that the kids go home and give the money to mom and dad. Ask them where the money goes and that’s what they say. These kid’s are not in school but most can speak amazing english. They probably can’t get to level 1-2 on Super Mario Brothers but it’s not because their dad put their nintendo in his trunk. I feel bad that these kids don’t get the chance to sit around and watch tv all day or chat on the internet. They don’t get to supersize their Spicy McChicken or get to wash it down with Cotton Candy. Sadly thought they don’t come home from school to do their homework so that they can go out and play with their friends…they work for a living. I feel like if i was raised in Cambodia my dad would have had me selling books on the street because he would have known I didn’t belong in school…

“Not with these Maaaaaaaaaaaaahks…you aaaaah goin’ nowhea fast. Gonna end up makin pizza ya whole life…is that what you want…you betta staht producin.”

My Reply:

“I hate you…i wish you weren’t my real father.”

The temples of Angor Wat themselvs were nice but not my type of thing. I felt like I was on a school field trip…although to be fair Angkor Wat doesn’t look like a wastewater treatment plant. The Temples are beautiful, there is a ton of history but it’s hot and humid and after 10 hours i’d had enough. If you are a history buff or an archaeological buff…or are just hoping to be any kind of “buff”, i mean i’d like to be a buff of something, this would be the place for you. It is one of the 7 Man Made wonders of the world…that’s gotta be worth something.

On our last night out in Siem Reap, me, andy and a guy nate from american we had met, went out to the bar and played some pool. We paid, 35 cents for a beer, and played pool for a few hours. As I looked around I noticed that what I thought to be a bunch of beautiful woman at the bar was actually a bunch of ladyboys. There is nothing more manly than sinking the 8 ball in the corner pocket as a bunch of guys dressed up as woman are cheering you on. If you are ever in a situation where you are not sure if that lady is a guy here a few things to look for:

– If they ask you if you want sex while their standing next to you at a urinal, it’s probably not a lady.

– If while whispering sweet nothings into your ear you notice their adam’s apple rubbing up against yours, it’s probably not a lady.

– If they have “man hands”….yes man hands!

So I enjoyed Siem Reap and would love to go back. We then had to take the 6 hour bus ride back to Phnom Penh. No, not more Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos. Just picture me on my knees next to the bus with my hands raised to the air and screaming…

“I will get you Cambodian Karaoke Music Videos…I will get yooooooooooooooooooou.”

Back in Phnom Penh, pronounce the P in Phnom as a hard P, me and andy went through the rock star bus exit again and settled in a nice guesthouse on the lake in Phnom Penh. Andy had bought a football in Thailand that he likes to call the “Gridiron.” We found a local park and when we started throwing it around, we became instant celebrities. Watching a Cambodian look at this thing and try to figure out how to throw it is hilarious. They have no clue how to do it and when one guys throws it and it’s horrible all the others laugh until it’s their turn to throw and the ball goes up in the air and spins like a helicopter only to land about 10 feet in front of me. We did this for two days at this park and had an absolutely great time. It was a chance to see how much fun and good spirited these Cambodians are. The smile on their face is usually genuine and there are so many good people who have dealt with horrible things.

So tonight me and Andy went out to dinner at this place called the “Flying Elephant.” We sat down and opened up the menu. They had Khmer food and western food. I hadn’t had a pizza in a while and when i saw the page i nearly dropped the menu. I could tottally crush a pizza, i said to myself. Right at the top of the menu, below where it said pizza was this sentence that said…

Happy, picture of a smiley face, 50 cents.

Extremely Happy,smiley face, $1.00

I asked the server what it meant and he went behind the counter and brought a bag of weed over to the table and said…

“You want to get Happy or Extremely Happy.”

I looked across the table at Andy and we both pretty much agreed that we wanted to get Extremely Happy! You order a pizza and sprinkle the mary-jane on top of it…It’s really strong Oregano man…hahahahaha…it’s cooooooool!

So that is the present state of mind I’m in right now. Although I didn’t get extremely happy, or even that happy, It was still a good pizza. I Imagine that if my brother Tom ever came to Cambodia it would be his favorite restaurant. Here is tom’s reaction if I had said that to his face in front of our family….

Tom’s hands raised in the air…”No it wouldn’t be….why do you have to say that…your such an asshole…God… that’s the last time I tell you anything.”

Here would be my mom’s reaction to that…

“He doesn’t do that…does he? Don’t you think I would know if he was doing that?”

Here would be my Dad’s reaction to that…

“You know Tom…if you wanna fry your brains out that’s fine…but when you need money to waste on pizza and beer don’t come to me.”

Tom’s Reaction:

“O.K Dad…Why don’t you go back to Nab?”

This would all be happening as me, jeff and dad would be laughing and making faces at Tom.

So tomorrow, July 9th, I will wake up and board a bus to Vietnam. I want you all to picture me on a bus listening to Cambodian Karoake Music Videos while the song, “Paint it Black,” by the stones is playing in my head. Isn’t that the song that always has to be playing when there is movie about the Vietnam war and guys are being shown in a helicopter peppering the ground with bullets?

What an absolute eye opener Phnom Penh is. The bus ride from Sihanoukville winded through some absolutely beautiful countryside. The one thing i've noticed while traveling through southeast asia is that it is home to some of the ... [Continue reading this entry]