Sketching a Twisty Path on the Globe

I just completed my final trip from St. Louis to Joplin, part of the usual migration of 18 wheelers and antique cars on the 270 miles along Highway 44.  I realized that at a loss for deeper things to think about, I’ve spent a lot of time on these drives staring at, analyzing, and even photographing, billboards.  They read like a running comic strip about American life.    

The most recurring theme of these billboards is the battle between porn and preachers.  Every 10-20 miles is an ad for an Adult theater, arcade, or bookstore.  Nearly always there’s a perfectly placed counter:  “U Got Jesus?”  Well, “Pornography Destroys” so “Visit the church of your choice this week.”  Similarly you have to weigh your morals whether you are going to pet “exotic animals” at the Animal Paradise or go shoot them at the Stone Creek Hunting Ranch, go shopping at “Ruby’s Guns” or the “Precious Moments warehouse.”    You also have your choice of services from vasectomy reversals; experts at the “Bra, swimsuit and Masectomy Center”; or one-day dentures (something I’ve discovered is used by an alarming number of people who haven’t gone gray yet).  There’s also a giant shopping area with an alluring sign–“Stop Shop and Save”—that you might think is for used cars.  Instead you can browse the aisles of “value homes—single or doublewide” and hopefully sign up for your tornado insurance at the same time.  I’ve also discovered that while I thought fireworks were primarily shot on July 4th and New Year’s, apparently there is enough year-round need to have GIANT Fireworks Supermarkets at least every 25 miles.  Is this how all those folks have lost their teeth?!

There also seems to be a strong message that tradition means don’t throw anything away and resist that fresh coat of paint.  “Ma and Paw’s Stuff n Things” has learned to capitalize on this by sporting unique yard art of rusting everythings and “Hill Billy Hot Rods” has taken it to the level of cars and trucks that haven’t hummed for years.  But, there’s something almost reassuring in all this.  That much of the US really isn’t changing and exploding with highrises and road rage, that there are still quite a few country-fried corners that change about as quickly as a cow chews.   My time here moved just a hair more rapidly.  At the end of this week I head to search for my lost social life in New Orleans, Florida, and finally New Zealand.  Look forward to seeing some of you along the way!!

A few weeks ago my youngest nephew spontaneously started making a list:  “The little joys of life” including such unarguable things as “petting a friendly dog.”  Soon after I left for what I considered to be a “non-adventure”—3 months in Joplin Missouri to feed my piggy bank’s growling belly.  As I got closer, I saw a bulletin board with a giant rodent of some kind (chipmunk?  beaver?) arms thrown wide, proclaiming:  “Fun is just one hour away in Joplin, Missouri!!”  I laughed and thought maybe I’d been looking at this traveling assignment the wrong way.  Maybe it WOULD be fun!  The chipmunk promises! 

Hah.  First week I could have shot that chipmunk.  Maybe he or his rodent buddies were the ones that left sprinklings of poop all over the kitchen counter of the house where I was renting a room.  Maybe HIS idea of fun is plunking coins in a casino, cruising the tattoo parlors on Main Street, or loading up the cart with potato chip specials at the Walmart Supercenter.   

Well, another week past, a beautiful new apartment with WHITE tub walls and WHITE refrigerator and I began to see everything else as a little less moldy too.  So, I’ve brushed off my attitude and decided to make my own little list of joys.  This one:  The Joys of Joplin, or The Things that Will Keep Me Sane Here.

1.      Trips to St. Louis.  I have actually never lived this close to home.  Now I get to experience what it WOULD have been like to be a college student in Missouri—dirty laundry in, frozen goods and fresh-baked cookies coming out.  Time to just “hang out” rather than dash to storage and pack and unpack for a trip.

2.      A library card.  I haven’t had one for 17 years and am rediscovering the magic of dusty books, old movies, and obscure CD’s.

3.      Zumba.  I am aware what it says when your exercise class is your social highlight of the week, but it is.  Somehow, on that basketball court with Latin dance music booming I can feel like I’m shaking my tail somewhere else far away.  Columbia maybe.  Until I notice that all the women next to me are pale and wearing 7 layers of make-up to their workout. 

4.      Dollar stores.  NOT $1.99 stores, not even $1.79 stores, but the true classics—everything for a buck.  In fact, they even have a pre-recorded message cycling overhead to remind you that, indeed, “everything IS a dollar.”   For $1 you can buy everything from undies to a Malawa guidebook.  It’s not Sitka’s “White E,” but it certainly has a charm of its own.  And now I have a bath pillow for my new white tub.   

5.      A caseload full of Bettys, Butch’s, Buddy’s, and Goldie’s.  These are some of the toughest old folks I’ve ever met.  They cuss and spit and have photos of their bulls up in their room.  Not only that, but I’ve discovered that a week in a hospital bed can’t deflate a beehive hairdo.  I do love these people.

6.      Time, time and more time to do each and every one of those “creative” projects that never before made the freetime cut.  Now I can spend 3 months writing, drawing, painting, strumming, and stringing.  They may even have me crocheting doilies by the end of it. 

7.      Skype.  My “fully furnished executive suite” has two large-screen televisions…but no phone.  “Because ever’body has a cell phone!” the landlord exclaimed and I couldn’t argue with him.  Everyone but me.  So I’ve discovered the joys (and warbly, word-cutting frustrations) of talking for free on the computer. 

….and I’m sure that with a few more weeks I can progress my list to 10.  It’s good to keep up the suspense for excitement to come. That muddy creek in Joplin’s “scenic” Conservation Center was also a good reminder that although I may feel  like I’m moving through time like that catatonic turtle, I’ll eventually be carried away to a greener bank.   ; )