Openhearted break up
In this place of stillness, of openness in my heart after being
attached to him and to the outcome, things are becoming more clear.For
some reason, I thought I could stay with a man that doesn’t trust
himself, and therefore will never trust me enough. I was attached to
our beauty together, to his beauty (inner), and the fact that he was
working on himself.
Perhaps we are in different places where he didn’t understand what I meant by freedom, perhaps we assumed things about each other and then came to an understanding and then to misunderstanding.In this place of alignment that I feel, there is a clear message. The false self wants to attack him, judge him, and protect me. The false sense wants to not love him because we are not together. I have to remind myself that we are all one and though I felt like by not being with him, being separated physically, we lose our growing connection. I have to remember that we aren’t separated that there is nothing outside of me that can take anything from me, that only I can allow someone to take my power. That only when I feel whole completely, only when I feel the love of god within me, then the idea that he and I are separate dissolves.Of course that didn’t happen over night. And I don’t focus on the fact that ‘oh we are still together though not physically.’ No, I cannot deny the part of me that looks for love outside of me, and that would love to be with him, so I don’t. I keep my heart open because it feels better to me this way. Not that I’m pining after him (at least not now, that might be in another post two weeks from now? Hopefully not though!), but that I can come from that place of stillness and feel all the love, and not hate myself for that, but love myself from that. It feels so much better to come from a place of love to enlighten the part of me that wants to stay scared and protected.It was quite dramatic the way we ended the course we were on, over long distance, having a conversation about monogamy and how he didn’t trust me. I won’t go into the details other than, he doesn’t trust himself, he has his patterns with women and thinks that I’ll do what he experienced in the past, and that I’ll do the same thing he does. He revealed to me the truth of his experience, and I appreciated that. And he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him he knew exactly where I stood. He needed to decide if he could do what I was doing, monogamous while we got to know each other even more while he was away for 3 months. I asked if this is good bye, and he said his phone was about to die. And it did. I shut my phone off and went to bed, angry, hurt at myself for not stopping this sooner and sad that we were parting ways, again.There is no way I can relieve that, there is nothing I can do because his distrust of me and ultimately himself, has nothing to do with me.
I also realized I was attached to the fact that I could face my own buttons with him and work them out and I didn’t want to stop doing that because we were growing so much as individuals, that would bring us closer together. But perhaps that’s where I had to get off that bus. This would’ve been the second time in two weeks that we broke up and I just refused to take part in this drama that would ensue as we pursued a long distance relationship.
For me the basis of a relationship with a man is trust. I didn’t know that he still didn’t trust me because he didn’t know me as he says. The flippant ways of a Libra. I know that quality all to well, as a Pisces. I have that quality.
I guess I’ve really grown into a place where I see why I would be so indecisive and fickle, because in the past I thought my heart was open but as I realized three months ago, I was still coming from my beautiful ego, the false sense of self which meant my heart was closed because I (ego) didn’t want to face my deepest issues.
My heart was closed. Then I made a decision to live with an open heart. Then after a suggestion from a close friend, I made a decision to do that and not be attached to the outcome, which is why I am able to participate in some of the things I’m doing, one was seeing him knowing that he would be leaving in 6 weeks.
Of course through our romance, I did get attached to the outcome and to aspects of him. Gosh, how did that happen?
Please know that I go back and forth, thinking well maybe when he comes back through town, we can talk again, but I don’t want to put myself in that danger of waiting for him. I will continue to be open, not shutting the door though a part of me desperately wants to close this case. And by keeping an open heart to him, not stifling the love that flows, I keep it open. I keep myself open to all possibilities to him and for others. That’s the freedom.
I want to get self-righteous but then I remind myself where that is coming from, the ego. And I wanted to hate him for ….and then I remind myself to love that part of me that this has nothing to do with him.
And then I wondered why I created a similar situation again, of being with an insecure man. And then I release that and forgive that and move on to another thought.
My heart has opened wider that it already was, but that I will share in another post!
Technorati Tags: love, men, insecurity, break up, open heart
Tags: break up, insecure, love, men, open heart, The Path of Life
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