The Moped Diaries

You´d think that the guide / drivers for a tour like ours would be big, burly chaps with leathery skin, bulging muscles and chins like Desperate Dan. Well you´d be wrong. Here are our guides…

Lips Luscious and Busty Pleasures (some names have been change to protect identities) are two feisty chicks that not only drive the great big truck we travel around in but they also organise us bunch of useless gringos, bribe the local police, quell rioting locals and even find us bushes to wee behind. We´d literally be lost without them!

As you will gather from this blog entry we survived the “Death Road” and now have the t-shirts to prove it. It was a terrifying decent starting from an altitude of 4,650m (in the snow next to a glacier) finishing at an altitude of 1,350m (in a tropical forest) almost entirely down hill on a gravel track road riding a mountain bike with front and rear suspension and hydraulic disc brakes. The package included a photographer but as we were all wearing the same safety gear and riding identical bikes we can´t tell who is who in the photos (if I can make us out I will post one!). This wasn´t as terrifying as the ride back to the hotel in a minibus though where we were aquainted with the Bolivian custom of ignoring red traffic lights.

We´re touring salt flats for the next couple of days then camping for five nights so the next blog entry may be some time away.

There are certain essentials that you would bring on a trip like ours (such as passport, immodium etc.) but you wouldn´t necessarily think of cough sweets! Whilst travelling in Southern Peru towards lake Titicaca we ran in to some civil unrest. The inhabitants of a local town had decided to strike and riot in protest at the local governor (not sure why!) and had blocked the road with rocks, broken glass and huge mounds of earth. On arrival at this blockade the truck drivers stuck in front of us informed us to expect a big delay which gave me a great opportunity to whip out my guitar and organise an impromptu sing song.

Three hours (and a full length version of “American Pie”) later and things started to move – the trucks in front of us were being allowed through, so we jumped back in our vehicle and started forward. Unfortunately the angry mob (complete with sticks and rocks) that greeted us weren´t happy about letting a bunch of gringos through and blocked our passage. Our guides (more about them in a future blog) jumped out and began careful negotiations. Eventually a bribe was agreed. Was it money (as worked on the police in Lima)? Was it jewellry? Was it the women folk? No, they wanted a packet of cough sweets! Cue Dulcie who had in her pocket a packet of extra strength Strepsils for a niggling sore throat. This was handed over and the mob parted like the Red Sea and waved us on our way. (This is all completely true!!)

We are now in La Paz the capital of Bolivia and will be doing “gravity assisted mountain biking” down the unfortunately titled “Death Road” tomorrow so if this is the last blog entry ever, you know why.

We have now been living at altitudes in excess of 10,000ft for some time and have become familiar with the peculiarities this brings. These include:-
Indigestion – The altitude slows your metabolism slightly so the alpacha curry I ate two days ago still seems to be working its way through me.
Diarrhea – Unfortunately not everything slows down and the curse of the western traveller can rear its ugly head as a symptom of mild altitude sickness (then again, it could be the alpacha curry).
Nose bleeds – Our delicate nasal passages that are accustomed to sea level, damp and humid air struggle with the thin dry air up here. I should have brought more hankies.
Exploding packages – Anything packaged or bottled at sea level becomes a dangerous item at altitude. Crisp packets look like balloons and fizzy pop bottles explode as if shaken for ten minuites when opened (funny when it happens to other people but not to yourself). Fortunately the local beer is bottled at altitude and can be opened and consumed in complete safety.

Here in South America the unemployment rate is extremely high (around 50%) so people turn to alternative forms of employment to get money. This usually involves selling local crafts (alpacha wool socks have proved to be very warm) but the best we have seen here in Cusco involves a set of bathroom scales. Basically the beggar stands on the street with a set of bathroom scales in front of him. Members of the public concerned about their obesity may then stand on the scales and the beggar will very kindly read the number off the dial for you. Dulcie tried this out and for one peruvian sol (about 16 pence) was informed she had lost nearly 6 pounds. Perhaps if she´d paid more she´d have lost more?

I have left Dulcie in charge of the camera for this trip and she appears to have developed (no pun intended) a strange disorder which can only be described as bullimic photography. When we are somewhere picturesque (e.g. the Amazon), she binges by taking hundreds of photos. Later, consumed by guilt that the memory card may be almost full, in an internet cafe we view the pictures and delete the vast majority of them (as they are generally of out of focus trees where an exotic bird was two seconds earlier).

Things could be worse; someone on our trip took hundreds of photos on the Inca trail and around Macchu Picchu. Then, while attempting to delete one single uninteresting photo, managed to erase the entire memory card. The tantrums were an unpleasant site.

We have now completed the famous Inca Trail and experienced the pleasure of portered treking. This means for the 18 of us treking there were 24 porters, one chef (with two assistants) and three guides! On arrival at our first lunch break we found a small marquee set up with a banqueting table complete with table cloths and place settings! During us walking from the lunch stop, the porters dismantled the lunch tent, overtook us on the trail (actually jogging along!) and set up a full camp site for us in time for afternoon tea! In the mornings we were woken with a cup of tea and a bowl of warm water for a wash!

After three and a half days treking (42km) we finally arrived at the incredible Macchu Picchu where the highlight for me was the flushing toilets complete with seats (the one thing that was missing at every camp site!).

We even climbed the mountain behind Macchu Picchu……..

As a warm up for the Inca Trail we decided to hike the Colca Canyon (the deepest canyon in the world) as a two day trek. We hiked down in to the canyon on day one and had the pleasure of staying at an “intresting” hostel. It only had one matrimonial suite which, after drawing straws between the couples present, we won! It consisted of a mud brick hut with a thatched roof, one double bed (with a severe roll-together problem), one candle (no electricity) and a scorpion next to the door; luxury! Day two required us to hike out of the canyon which involved a 1,200m climb (i.e. a vertical mile!!). We were then suitably warmed up. We also got to see condors flying over us.

If you think that “El Bus” in Quito is terrifying you should try “El Taxi” in Lima. This adventure entails cramming four passengers into an old, yellow VW Beetle and then hurtling through the traffic until you get a flat tyre on a three lane underpass. The real twist is when you have to assist with the changing of the tyre and realise that none of the tyres have any tread at all!

But the ultimate stomach turner is the flight in a light aircraft we took to see the amazing Nazca Lines. Such is the notoriety of this trip that you are given souvenir sick bags as you board the plane printed with a map of the desert so you can mark on where you were sick! Fortunately we managed to hold on to our breakfasts although the same could not be said for our fellow passengers. We didn´t see any UFOs either.

The mysterious humming bird…..

We have survived the Amazon jungle and it is the ecological experience you would expect complete with tarantulas, parrots and piranha fishing. I am, however, struggling to survive the malaria tablets which have blessed me with the unfortunate side effect of excessive wind. Those of you who have shared a confined space with me in the past may question whether it is possible to enhance my already substantial powers in this department but believe me, until I finish the pills I will be a danger to the ozone layer. Perhaps this is how the pills are supposed to work and the gas is meant to repel the mosquitoes? It certainly repels wives!

Here´s me holding a baby croc (or cayman to be technically correct!)