The Buck starts here…

It all started on Monday – the day I arrived here on Ko Phangan. We had gone to a bar near our bungelows to celebrate the birthday of a dude called Paul. A wonderful time was being had by all & much beer was being consumed in an atmosphere of joy and happiness. & then it started to rain. Nobody was surprised. Nobody was shocked. This is after all, the rainy season. Somebody was a plonker, though. This moron decides to run the 10 feet of outside pathway to get to the loo, which is undercover. Said moron forgets that the floor of said loo is made of smooth marble. Said moron falls arse over tit and takes the full weight of his body on his right elbow. Said moron slopes off home in the rain & pain – slightly insane coz he couldn’t get a train.

I didn’t know it was possible for a smooth surface to make such a deep hole. and jeez did it hurt. But my week of pain didn’t end there. Oh no. On Tuesday the canoeing episode (see entry below this one) took place, & I suffered several pulled muscles. Thursday I got a massage – my 1st – which helped ease Tuesday’s pain, but not much of Mondays.

Which brings me to yesterday. We had moved to the other side of the island, to stay with a friend who has some bungelows here. We all agreed that a quiet night was in order so we sat in his neighbours living room & watched a dvd. Near the beginning of the film a really cute & fluffy dog came & sat nearby. I went to the bar or the toilet a couple of times whilst the dvd was playing & each time I would stroke the dog. This is because I love dogs. I have always wanted a dog. It has always been a dream to have a dog in a house in the countryside. Not a little rat-dog either. A normal sized fluffy dog that doesn’t need to get a pedicure or a little tartan coat or any of those other ridiculously indulgent things that people with more money than sense spend on their pets. There is actually a shop where I used to live in brighton called Doggy fashion where they shampooed & blowdried your dog for you. I mean come on!

Anyway the film finished & I headed for the bar again. As I went I touched the dog on his back & he turned round & bit me. & I mean he really sunk his teeth in. I was so shocked. This is supposed to a man’s best friend. More importantly, he’s supposed to be my best friend! I washed the cut (just a scratch really) and went to lie on my hammock. I began to have doubts about whether I’ll ever get a dog. What if this is an omen? Now I’ve heard it said many times that people are either dog people or cat people. I’ve always considered myself a dog person, but over the last few weeks I’ve become quite attached to Squitto the cat from the english school i lived at (& will return to in 10 days) in Ban Phe. My faith in canines was low. I went to bed.

I got up this morning when the dogs owner came by to my bungelow to apologise. I told her there was no problem, & she assured me that the dog had been vaccinated againt rabies (Et, the friend we’re staying with, told me the same last night). And then a few hours later i met Et’s dog Golden. & just like that my faith in dogs is restored. Golden really lives up to his name. So now i’m thinking maybe I can be a dog person & a cat person. The 2 dont have to be mutually exclusive. something to ponder anyhow…

& so tomorrow I leave Ko Phangan on the night train back to Bangkok. Its strange but all the “injuries” I’ve suffered have not diminished my holiday here one iota. if anything they’ve made me appreciate being in such a beautiful place more.

Take care of yourselves, dont run barefoot on smooth surfaces in the rain, & always, always let sleeping dogs lie..

Yesterday afternoon some of my mates & I decided to take a break from bathing in the clear blue sea, swinging lazily on hammocks & eating delicious barbecued seafood on the beach. We wanted a bit of action. A bit of physical exertion. Well we certainly got it.

We hired some canoes and set off for the next beach along from ours – around a small rocky headland. Just to give you a sense of perspective this should be a trip that takes about 20 minutes each way, although clearly winds, currents & the threat of giant octopi thrashing at ones boat might alter this slightly. The canoes we were rowing were pretty standard 2 person ones. Thing was, there were 7 of us. So one canoe had to take 3 people. Fine. No problems.

So we head off, make great progress & get to the other beach in about 20 minutes. We “park” our canoes on the sand, & go get some food at what is reputed to be one of the best restaurants on Ko Phangan. It was pretty damn good. We ate, paid, returned to our canoes, hung out on the beach for maybe half an hour, and then prepared for disembarkation back to our beach. On the outward trip I had been shipmates with a girl called Shirley. She decided that she quite fancied swimming part of the return leg. So we got the “extra” person, Caroline, on our boat so that Shirley could jump off & the 2 of us could take the canoe back to its home.

Things started looking dodgy from the off. As I tried to get on the canoe to depart, it flipped. Ok. We were in waist high water so no tragedy. We managed to all board the boat again and set off. We proceeded to the headland. And this is where the trouble really started. 3 people in a 2 person boat means that the boat sits lower in the water. The smallest nudge to one side makes people overcompensate & try to swing to the other side. So the boat rocks from side to side & invariably the canoe is going to capsize. Which of course it did. We manage to flip it back & attempt to reboard the canoe. I think you can probably guess what happened next. Yep, it flipped again. By now I’m really wishing that I was wearing a lifejacket. Hell of a reassurance those babies are. So this is the 4th time we’ve boarded the boat & we manage somehow to stay in it.

New problem emerges. Big waves. Because you can’t be side-on to a wave, we actually needed to row into it, thus heading out to sea. By now I’ve pulled fuck knows how many muscles and am not a happy bunny. Getting back on a boat in choppy water takes a fait bit of energy. Energy I’d have really preferred to conserve for the rest of the arduous rowing we faced ahead. Shirley then decides to go ahead with her planned swim & jumps off the boat. Me & Caroline push on for our home beach. I dont know how long that row took, but it felt like forever. distance is a hard thing to visually calculate in the water. I really didn’t fancy falling in again either. I’m not sure how many times I’d have had the strength to re-board & re-board & re-board. Added to the sheer physical exhaustion, we were also quite worried about Shirley. Remember that thing about distance calculation. Not limited to people in boats. Swimmers understimate how long a swim is going to take too.

After an eternity, we started nearing the shore. & in true poetic style the tune blaring out from a bar we were close to was I’m Gonna Get Thru This by Daniel Bedingfield. How apt. We reached the sand. I fell out of the boat & crawled the last few feet. and this is where I had my Kevin Costner moment. Anybody who’s seen the film Robin Hood: Prince of thieves will remember an incredibly corny moment near the beginning where our Kev, playing our Robin, falls to his knees and scrunches up a bit of sand in his hand. & this is what I did. Dry land (actually wet sand but lets not get hung up on the details) never felt so good. My face must have been an absolute picture because my mates on the other canoes who had arrived ages before us were doing their best not to crack up.

We got the boats back to their owner & a couple of the girls walked down the beach to meet Shirley when she got in. I was quite worried for her. Knowing how hard it had been for us, I imagined she must have had it pretty tough too. After another seeming age, she turned up. Exhausted. Relief doesn’t quite encapsulate what I felt right then. Next move was to the supermarket to buy myself a nice big bottle of scotch, and to the bar to get a bucket of ice and a glass.

Of course everybody else found the whole story pretty funny, which I guess it was. But then, all stories that end well have a humorous side. It’s the other kind that dont always lend themselves to mirth.

So. My advice to you. And to myself. Dont put 3 people in a 2 person boat. Wear a life jacket for peace of mind. And dont drink too much scotch on rocks or you’ll wake up with a headache…

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