the night
…
About four months ago, I was sitting, well squatting, freezing my ass off halfway up the side of some dumb-ass mountain. Staring up at the wild stars you can see from the wrong side of the earth. There were so many, spread out actually like in a poem- diamonds on a velvet backdrop.
Now here I am, four months later, sitting on a picnic table in the middle of my hall courtyard, staring up at about the same sky, without my ass hanging out, I admit, and not really freezing, and with a nice warm room to go to.
But instead, I sit out here and think. Oh, and listen to sad and lovelorn music.
When I block the glare from the rooms around the courtyard, the sky looks the same here, almost the same clarity, just not so many stars. It’s kinda a shame.
So what am I doing outside, awake at 4:45 in the morning, writing and music listening excluded? I really don’t know. I could blame it on a serious overdose of caffiene, or maybe nerves- my first midterm is tomorrow, now. But I don’t think that’s it.
Well, the caffiene could be. maybe it’s the sappy music doing it to me. or maybe it’s homesickenss. But I dont think so, bevcause I really don’t want to go home. Maybe it is just stress. Or I could just be an idiot, or over rested from drugging myself to sleep with benadryl last night. Ah, sleep aides. Gotta love them- yes?
One great thing about bing outside at 0 dark thirty- I can watch the stars fall. Damn, I’m getting all romantic and sappy. I must be listening to lovesongs and romanti-goth music. Gotta stop that, it’s bad for the stomach. And the heart, too, I’m sure. If I breathe in deeply enough, I can almost smell the ocean. Not the sea, between here and Australia, I mean the ocean, the real one, on the other side of the island. Maybe 60 miles away? I’m not good with the distances yet. I wonder if there’s anywhere on these islands that you can’t smell the ocean, dream of taking off over it. Anywhere you can get away from it’s siren song of escape.
Ah, maybe that’s it. Escape. I am a champion at escaping. You name it, I’ve run away. Though usually in a slow, “look, look, I’m not running, not even moving backwards” kinda way. Running away. In my mind, and maybe in real life too. Maybe my dad is right sometimes. I didn’t give him this address, did I?
For years, maybe forever, I’ve been afraid of things that last, of commitment, of.. whatever. Perminance. Hell, I couldn’t even stick with a college program. Though part of that comes straight from my overwhelming fear of being a proven idiot. Don’t do anything, and it’s just a guess. If you actually work for it, and still fuck up, it’s your own damned fault, and you are obviously a moron. But at least some of it was fear of having to stick with one thing for years. I can’t do it. I’m not sure if I can do it here. What happens, for instance, if I am, in fact, a total idiot? The five years the program here lasts is nothing, if I don’t get in.
Hmmm… things I’ve run from.
Boys, school, jobs, life, home, places I actually like, things I could have done, if I weren’t so freaking scared. I’ve had opportunities offered to me that most people would kill for, and turned them down, because there was so damned much risk of rejection.
Pretty much every year now, I’ve chosen a song as a life theme song. I have picked the same song three or four years in a row now. And I still, no matter how damned hard I try, can’t seem to do it. I almost wonder if I need to drink my fear into submission, but having seen how that works out for other people in my family. I think I’ll avoid it for now.
The song? it’s that garth brooks song, something like “standing outside the fire”? if that’s not the name, I’m sure you could find it.
Yes, shame, shame j. for picking a g. brooks song for a life theme. But it’s really a good choice. Listen to it. I’m not going to go on and on and on about how it talks to me (honestly, if songs are “talking” to you, you need a freaking shrink) but it has a good message. and one I keep saying “yes, that’s what I want, I want to foolishly throw myself into things, totally, nothing held back.” And yet, here I am, screwing myself over, yet again. Always. It’s my constant.
I don’t know if the mist is settling, or if it’s starting to think about raining, but there are now little bitty drops of water on my screen. Wonder if I should go inside. Nah, I’ll wait. The clouds will pass, they always do.
But man, I wish I were on a sailboat right now, with the motion of the boat rocking me, calming me, doing all that great stuff that rocking does- making life make sense. Making things less scary, even if just for a while. Mmmm Not homesick, but Lulaby(?) by Billy Joel makes me kinda that way. It’s sweet, and sort of floats.
Hmm… maybe I’m just depressed. At least that would excuse the dratted poetic-type stuff. Anyone want to send me posters for disaffected college studnets? I think I could manage to be one, if you buy me the poster and pay the shipping….
Gotta say, tho, the last time I felt like this, I got in the car and drove too fast to half-moon bay, parked outside the beach, hopped the fence, and just watched the waves break. No car, tho, and no half-moon bay, and the nearest waves worth watching are about 10 miles away. Oh, and it’s starting to rain.
j.
parents- don’t read this part–
what you fantasize about is supposed to be what you find most attractive/ sexy/ whatever. I fantasize about really sexy supernatural men, and otherwise non-existant types. I guess what turns me on is total unavailability. Or something like that. And no comments from the peanut gallery about me being a vampire. I do go out in the sun. Honest. Someone even saw me do it once. Wait! R. saw me do the outside under big ouchy ball of death thing. Ha!
Tags: life, Travel
lazyjayn
Ok..
in my most b-friendy voice:
“Honey, do you want to come home for a bit?”
Sorry, I wanted to hear what that sounded like in my head. Anyway..
I understand where you’re coming from, truly. Other than the innate in belief how things should look, backed up by a degree in it (that took entirely too long to get), and an overdeveloped sense of bitch-y-ness (all of which contribute nothing to my current lifestyle, look & motivations), I’ve been afraid of things too. Hitting my birth milestone (Wherein the actual date matched the annual festivities) has gotten me thinking a lot recently.
I know what I like to do, and I somewhat know what I’ve to do to get it. I know that I have great interests in many things, but not enough patience to complete my study in them. I know I’m like a kid a lot of times, and I don’t want actual age to factor what my mood takes, or how I’d like to live.. But you can’t fake out experience and it always stays with you, influencing your decisions. To as you are now I’d say what do you have to run away from? Responsibility? You ARE doing what you want be doing, correct? Unless you’re second guesing the work involved to get there?
If you’ve lived long enough, things can’t help but to repeat around you. Even in your own life, and as a fellow creature of bad habits can attest, you get tired of the bullshit you run yourself through. At a certain point, I have to tell myself or make conditions right enough so that I’ve nothing to lose. What’s wrong with asking a question?, why can’t I do this?, what IS over there anyway? These are the things that make the heartbeat faster, and you never want to lose that feeling because you know the opposite would lead to what you don’t want to become.
You ARE on the road less traveled. (Ignore the travelblog similarities and irony) It took balls to get there, and it will take even more to complete what you’re there to do. It’s easier for all of us that care about you to say what we say, because of either insight, hindsight or perspective. But we aren’t you, and all we can do is support your decisions. But you’re writing in the pages in a book about a life no one but you can live. For me, I admire your courage, and determination to get where you are.. I both curse and rejoice the circumstances that led our paths together, but am better for having met you, (*Supressing naughty thoughts!*), and am glad I suppressed the urge to talk you out of leaving, while questioning the path I’ve chosen here, as well.
So that leads me to this..
GARTH BROOKS?! What the hell?!
Honey do you need me to burn you a CD of mp3s? I WILL! Just send me your mailing address and it will be sent the end of this week! I mean c’mon! For 3 years! I mean I like ‘Friends in Low Places’ as much as the next guy, but I’m not about to put any meaning to it connected with my life, unless I was running for governer! J/K! NO seriously!
LOL
Drinking makes you horny, not not scared, and was I attractive becuase you’d have to leave me? That’s f’d up! *sulk!*
The circumstances of our lifestyles didn’t warrant spending time with you other than at around dusk, and then at night. so I’m still not sure that you’re not a daywalker! And you complained about the sun lots when we were out! Nyah! Kidding!
Well, I have felt the same urges to run away from everything, I am just to chicken to actually act on them. Fear of the unknown and all that Bull-sh**.
I have faith that you will be able to pull through this new goal you have set yourself. You love animals and even though I for a a fact know that your study habits suck, so do mine, I have only read 1/4 of what I should. I am right now sitting in the middle of class posting to your blog. I am a bad bad Chrissie. However, I do know that you have the ability to pass a class, I have seen you do it. All it will take is for you to kick yourself, and I will metaphysically kick you also if you need it, because I know this is something you really want.
This is the most daring little adventure you have taken, barring climbing the cold mountain in December. You might feel depressed right now, but I think that is more because you are far away from old friends and old things. Hold on tight you will get through this. Just remember that the nose is on the head and the tail is on the bottom.
R. I don’t think she was attracted to you because she was leaving you, I know for a fact that she was worried about getting involved because she would be leaving and didn’t think it would be fair to you. And J. you do complain about the sun when you are out, so you might be a vampire with a human servant running around somewhere. You can have Nathaniel as your animal to call if you would like.
Also, stop listening to country music, it is all mostly depressing. Find something fun like Monty Python themes.
Yeah, Monty Python works..
“Every sperm is precious….!”
I knew about getting into things when we started, especially after she cursed me for not acting sooner.. after bouts of naughtiness. I feel bad but better than not at all, huh? Carp the per diem
I read blogs at work, is that worse?
I didn’t curse you, I damned you. it’s different.
and reading blogs at work is only worse if you tell your boss… otherwise, chrissie is paying for school, you’re getting paid.
I finally remembered why I am doing so crappy in Macroeconomics. I suck at multiple choice tests!!! When I was in highschool the only way I was able to pass econ was to take a essay test on it that my happy teacher let me take after I bombed the first test. I am going to have to do really well on the next assignment on the bloody final or I be screwed and stuck here for another semester. Anyone know anything about Macro? I need HELP!!!!
wow it’s usually the other way around, although it does pay to BS your way through essay questions.. king of the half-points! I just hated story problems in math.. it was like the real world, math & language translation all rolled into one!
My boss knows I read blogs by the way, that’s how he got the nifty link from me for lots of mp3s!
yes I get paid as we discussed, sadly no matter transporter to speak of yet.
I think we all have fantasy men who are out of our reach. I lust after sexy were-creatures and people accuse me of beastiality. I say that if I only lust after their human forms that isn’t true. So I want a fuzzy pet and a hot sexy man, what is wrong with them being rolled into one?
Right now I would just take one who doesn’t say no to free offers of playtime. (Ok, so there is still be somethine attractive about him, I have tried dating someone I felt no attraction for, it not work well) And a guy who doesn’t keep trying to pawn me off on other guys, especially the roommate I find rather unatttactive would be nice. The roommate is a nice guy, but I don’t have a wild urge to do the nasty with him.
So keep the happy fantasy, just don’t let it interfere with your ability to date normal, less supernatural men.
Survey question (Ask others if you are male cause us girls just can’t do it, it would be embarrassing):
Is it normal for a guy to say no to free playtime?