Traveling seeker in British Isles

Well I’m just under the 6 weeks mark. I finally bought my tickets 2 days ago. It was a very emotional thing- I was so excited because it was set -and it was very scary-because I really had to go!

It’s not like it’s a trip- it’s a life change and I’m scared. I have never traveled by myself before- not even in the states! But here I am giving up everything and everyone and going to another country to live. So many things pass through my mind. Will I be able to find places to stay, will I be “nice” enough- when I have no feeling of security that I have grown accustomed to? Like food, water, and a bed with heat? Will people be willing to put up a stranger in their house? (would I in the states?) I think I’m a independent person- but am I really? Can I sell myself? (not in THAT way!) but in selling my talents for food, shelter?

After I ordered my tickest, I e-mailed my sister the trip info. One for her to keep a record, in case something happens. And two, so she would know that I finally got it set. She called me the next day and said “I’m so proud of you! And I will put on my calender that I will drive you to the airport.” I told her that my friend Linda would take me, being that the airport was not the Cleveland Airport, but The Akron/Canton one. It was much closer for my friend to take me – and it won’t be so emotional. She said “NO! I’m taking you! I will call and get us a hotel room for the night before and we will have our last night together! No men to bother us (she has a husband and a son). We’ll stay by the airport and have just “us” time together. And so what – you’ll cry!” I was kind of stunned by her reaction. I know that I will miss her and her me- but I figured it would be just a hug and kiss good-bye. But I guess it’s pretty important to her. And I have already started to cry! Even as I write this, tears are rolling down my face…..boy, this is really going to be hard!

I had a lot of days in a row running around getting stuff ready. I have to sell my car and can’t find the damm title- which I know I have, but with all the trashing of old papers and packing- I have no idea where I put it! So had to run around getting a duplicate.

Then I am trying to get some small business’s set up with accounts to sell my greeting cards in their stores. And getting advertising jobs sold for extra cash. all this takes lots and lots of time and my nerves are frayed!

I’m living out of my suitcase already at a friends house. She has my darkroom in her basement and I came here for a week to finish up a bunch of photo’s for my friends and family that I need to make. It’s Thursday and I’ve yet to get down there! I have a bunch of stuff to produce and I’m scheduled to leave on Friday!

I ran home to do a final look for my car title before I ran to get the duplicate and find my mother is not doing well. She’s in a big depression and won’t get out of bed. Finding out that I got my tickets didn’t help the situation. As much as she is supportive of me leaving- she is also very lonely. So more depression and then she plays out the depression with liquor. It doen’t make me NOT want to leave, it just makes me worry about her more. And it makes me mad. But she is sick and can’t help herself. But as bad as it sounds, she can only help herself. So in 6 weeks, it’s up to her!
And I do feel sorry for my sister, who will have to carry the load once I leave.

I went to my ex-husbands to get my registration for my car (he’s sellling it) and to see my dog, Brandy. It just broke my heart! She is happy with her daddy (I got her in the divorce and when I decided to leave, Brandy started to have longer visits with her daddy- but now she has moved in full time) but she was so excited to see me! And when I left I felt she was so sad. I would rather have my heart broken then hers….and it seemed both of ours broke when I left. And boy, will I miss my ex! I had just told him that I got the tickets and I could see his sad look. He said that he was happy for me, and sad for him. He wants me to come stay a few days before I leave and spend time with him and Brandy. BOY- this is going to be so hard. Even though our marriage didn’t work out – we are such good friends. We still fight like a married couple, but we have always been there for each other. I will really miss him. I left there in a real funk. For even a few hours I felt the tears just under the surface.

After a few other stops, I was finally on my 1 hour ride to my friends house and I just couldn’t get this feeling of loss to ease up. I came into the house and she could sense that I wasn’t feeling right. He husband went to his TV room and her and I just talked. She’s a really good psychic and offered me a reading. She helped ease some of my concerns and she said that I have done what I can for my Mom and my ex. It was up to them to deal with their issues on their own now. It was ME time. She told me lots of other things about the trip and some of the experiences that await me. It did seem to ease my mind. I was so drained I fell into bed.

I can’t believe all the stuff that has to be figured out before I leave. Friends to see before I leave, the business issues to get final, how to cut down my packing of clothes, buy a coat and boots, get my teeth cleaned, find someplace to stay!, money, money, and more money, need a new lap top, have to get more equipt. for the radio show, find a place to stay, get my family history onto my computer, make more contacts in Dublin and Westport, find out why my little toe is not healing (I broke it), finish moving out of my mom’s, finsh my website, keep my blog updated, dispurse some more items to my siblings and ex, finish photo books for my nieces (they are my muses, and are the stars of my childrens greeting card line),shoot new photos of Christmas lights and trees for Christmas cards for next year, get all my darkroom photos done, money, money and more money – and last but far from least- FIND A PLACE TO STAY!

Add in my feelings of loss, worry, and my biggest- FEAR!

So that’s what is up on the closing of an old life and the opening of a new one. There is comfort in what I currently have- and fear of the unknown. I will mourn the loss of the old- but the new will make it all worth it! I will survive, and so will my family.

I hope that this blogg helps some one who is going through the same thing as me. All the other bloggs are about the excitment of leaving, and the experiences of what they see and who they meet. But what about the emotion of it all? Many people are leaving for long trips and yet they don’t mention the emotional part of leaving – even if for a while? I can’t be the only wacko out there- or am I?

Till we meet again-
Kym