Kidnapped!
Well we knew it would have to happen at some point. Yes – I’ve been kidnapped by a tribe of South American Indians, but it’s not all bad as they have made me their God. Which is nice, for me as well as for them.
Now, I’ve been charged with coming up with a latter day Eden, hopefully without the bad apples and Disney baddy snakes – and this is where you come in.
We seem to be fine for psychotropic drugs and penis gourds, but other than that we’re short of one or two essential items. If someone can arrange to have them delivered I’ll grant you eternal life or 5 years as the celebrity of your choice – whichever you think is the better…
The complete works of Shakespeare and a copy of the bible are already here (next to what appears to be the shrunken head of Sue Lawley), so the only reading materials we’re short of is Match of the Day Magazine and Take-a-Break. If someone could sort out the subs, that would be great.
The drugs do work, but leave us with rotten hangovers, so a (gross) box of Nurofen would be handy.
By and large the girls seem to be fine, their only requests are for push-up bras and a few crates of Bacardi Breezers (all flavours except melon).
The lads, on the other hand, have been arguing for days about what the priorities should be. Finally, they’ve landed on a complete range of Clinique men’s grooming products. Please ensure the sun block comes in SPF 30 as well as 15 for those who are more sensitive to the sun.
The children will be fine with Sunny Delight, as all children are.
Thanks in advance to the first one who can sort this out. Don’t forget to state your preference on the reward thing.
Address is Chief Juan Martin 1, The Incas, The Andes, Peru.
Tags: Travel
JohnnyBoy
January 5th, 2006 at 5:35 pm
That’ll be 300 quid in insurance so far. Make sure you stay for no more than another seven days – hasta luego!
January 7th, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Show them your magic by ordering all of interweb.
January 7th, 2006 at 3:33 pm
If you need any help from your local MP to secure your release you can contact him this week at the Big Brother house. Always putting his constituents first.
January 7th, 2006 at 4:05 pm
Sorry. There’ll be no Sunny D, Susan took my last lot for Joe. We’ve run dry.
As your MP is in the BB House, does this give everybody a chance to slag him off without being sued? Do you reckon the young of Bethnal Green have been told that it is an offence not to text vote?
January 7th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
In case the repercussions hadn’t been heard near the Amazon/Dee/Shropshire Union the mighty Blues got a 93rd minute equaliser away at Cheltenham today, Tom, Dermot and mate immediately took off their shirts and started doing the conga in the kitchen. I didn’t take any pics but I’m sure it would have gone down well with all on this board, unbridled joy indeed. It may have compared well with the sound of the thunder up Moel Famau a few days ago Martin. You do know that Chester will draw Man Utd next round now for certain, will you come home for that?
January 7th, 2006 at 7:19 pm
I hope you weren’t the pied piper with yours off, Mike. I think I speak for us all when I say that picture would not be welcome on this site.
January 8th, 2006 at 12:21 am
Now that you’ve achieved godly status there’s a unexpected job opportunity going as Congress majority leader….
Alternatively you could manage the Eden thing by planting Golden Delicious apples. That will prevent any more Genesis style temptations/revealations/sudden exits.
I also have homestyle suggestions for the other pressing problems on your in tray.
To occupy the males there’s plenty of sex and violence in the reading material already present. Just direct them to the well thumbed bits.
Regarding the sunburn risk, Blue Peter style ingenuity with gourds/figleaves/lianas could be the answer to
A/ protecting areas not normally exposed to radiation,
and
B/ giving uplift to areas of high lipid density.
The children will be no trouble after poppy seed pop, or the Andean equivalent, of which these is apparently a plenitude of raw materials to hand.
I give you these small observations/handy hints free of charge, not wanting to be stuck here forever or being a great admirer of celebs, but, if your godliness has a little spare influence I’d like an effort free PhD.
Ta Muchly
Gillian
January 8th, 2006 at 11:26 am
As frequency monitor I have to ask that you post immediately you see this message. You haven’t posted for almost a week and as you know the acceptable minimum is thrice weekly. Looking forward to tales of your turning your kidnappers round with no help from Gawdelpus Galloway. Please excuse the lack of commas – Angela knows all about it.
January 8th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
Don´t want to upset the frequency monitor, so there is a post above. However, I normally prefer to see a few comments up before I post the next one, as I feel all isolated if not.
Gillian, what would you like a PhD in, and why? Nobody likes a clever clogs, you know.
Aware of the Chester result Mike, now I´ve been transported back to Warrington with disturbing images. Don´t United and Chester still have to play a game in order to meet?
I´m also aware of my MP holing himself up in the BB house. Prat. What exactly has he been doing about my current predicament?
January 8th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Why does a PhD make one a clever clogs? They award them freely (honarary at any rate!) to undeserving conniving polititians and airheaded celebs!
However, was thinking of one in the behavioural health/chemical dependency field should our newest godhead feel he can swing it. I am as you know an interested observer of human quirks and foibles. On the other hand, if it means you won’t like me anymore I will forgo the dream…. sob….
Like the latest hairstyle, it should also provide you with improved upper storey insulation.
Also most interested in the Peruvian ?healthcare? system.
January 9th, 2006 at 10:47 pm
The options, Gillian, were eternal life, or that of a celeb for 5 years. However, upon delivery of the required items, postmarked Arizona, consider the PhD yours…