In a Dear Green Place

I hate being unprepared. Let me rephrase that: I hate looking like I don’t know what I’m doing. I suppose it is the result of being an insecure, know-it-all kid at school. Appearing to have everything under control was just my way of overcompensating. In addition, I think it is just one of the sucky parts of growing up. We get so used to being capable at things that we don’t like to try stuff that might make us look like idiots. This leads to reluctance to try new things, at least in my case. None of us truly know it all but many people spend way too much time trying to act like they do.

Some lucky souls are blessed with the gift of not caring about appearances. I am trying to get better at this by trying things that I’m totally pants at. In front of people no less. Progress is slow but noticeable. This quest really began in earnest a few years ago when I left for France. There was no way I knew what I was saying, much less what I was doing. It was a wonderful release. I’m not so worried now about falling on my face (which I did many times in France, both literally and figuratively) and life is certainly more enjoyable that way.

I still prepare a lot. As the famous phrase goes “If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.” I have been reading about Glasgow for months. I scour the University website, I have a stack of maps, I read the local papers. I’ve also been reading all kinds of fiction and poetry from Scotland as well. I visited Glasgow a couple years ago the last time I was in Scotland but it is still a pretty big unknown so I read. If you have any suggestions, feel free to send them my way.

I think one can over-plan and end up in a self-made straightjacket. I wonder if one can over-prepare. I’m not talking about the packing part because I know people who carry way too much stuff around under the banner of preparedness. I’m talking about the research part.

In addition to making me feel better armed for the future, all this reading does two other things. One, it prepares me to love it there and feel a little more at home. It’s like priming the pump. Secondly, I have to do something to fill the weeks until I leave. I can’t be in Scotland yet but I read to my hearts content.

With all of my preparation I have a quote that I keep at the front of my notebook, a reminder from Phil Cousineau’s book The Art of Pilgrimage to remind me to be open and adventurous:

“The heart of your destination, disappears, will be invisible, like the Grail castle if you are too afraid or too proud to appear as you really are at the moment- someone far, far from home, without all the answers…”

This entry was posted on Monday, July 24th, 2006 at 7:31 am and is filed under Preparations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.