I left the islands bound for a 3 day "Mahout" (elephant trainer) course up in the jungle North of Lampang in Northern Thailand. This has got to be one of the coolest things I've EVER done....

Bath Time 1
Bath Time 2
Taking sugar cane to the elephants
An evening stroll
1 year-old baby girl named Arena
Check out these eyes
Real Mahouts
Not-so Real Mahout
Me and my 23 year-old babe Patuap
Entering my "final exam"- a show in front of the days tourist crowd
"Tag Long" a move by the elephant

Elephants are naturally "herding" animals that like to be in the company of not only the group, but also of their special boyfriends and girlfriends. I got off the bus from Lampang and made the 2 KM walk to the entrance of the training center. I heard a God-awful roar that easily shook the pavement I was standing on and the next thing I saw a young female elephant dripping wet and hauling ass from the bathing lake across a dirt opening making a low grumbling noise.

For a not-so-seasoned "mahout" (elephant trainer) this was indeed a scary sight. The sounds that they make are as loud as jet engines and just to see a 5000 pound animal run as fast as this elephant did... it was a sight. One of the mahouts turned to me and using one of his 7 "elephant must know" English words smiles and says "boyfriend."

I signed-up for the 3 day Mahout course that gives you very basic knowledge of what is is like to be a real elephant trainer and care giver- with a lot of hands-on experience in between. The Western version of this training school would most likely have 1 day devoted to learning about the elephants and all the dangers that they impose before jumping on the beasts. Within 30 minutes of arriving to the facility here in Thailand I was waved over to a decent-sized female Asian elephant and with one loud Thai call from the mahout, the elephant stuck out her foot to act as a ladder. Up I went to begin my brief look into Mahout-dom.

Over the next 3 days I worked 1-on-1 with my mahout learning the 10 or so different calls combined with foot movements to control the elephant. Generally when people experience elephant riding in Thailand they do so perched upon a bench strapped to the animals back with a mahout running the show settled nicely behind the floppy ears. The cool thing about this program is that I am the mahout... the one settled nicely behind the floppy ears yelling commands in Thai demanding the elephant listen with the help of a big wooden stick topped with a sharp metal prong. Although even after having a good grasp on the commands and riding style, I was not alowwed to have any video-camera weilding tourists strapped to my elephant.

Each morning we harvested the elephants from where they go to graze through the night. They only sleep about 4 hours each night, because the rest of the time they are attempting to consume enough calories through ANY type of vegetation to keep their huge bodies running. Any is the key word here- my elephant would be walking through the jungle as I admired a big banana tree up ahead. No sooner had we reached the tree than she had ripped the ENTIRE tree down and was consuming it with a back-and-forth snap and eat tactic. The tourists can buy big bunches of bananas and sugar cane to feed the elephants. I saw many dissappointed folks when they would be patiently trying to peel off 1 banana from their bunch as the elephant grabbed the rest, threw the whole thing in his mouth and went on to find another unsuspecting tourist.

They are eating machines. On several occasions my elephant would lose interest with walking, bury us deep in a bamboo growth and start ripping at the stalks. They grab it, and yank like a human would to get a weed out of the ground. It's funny to put it into context when a 23 year-old weight conscious woman might have A banana for lunch- my 23 year-old weight conscious woman elephant has an entire banana tree, then starts to move up a hill because she's spotted some sweet looking grass and a bamboo forest to bury us in.

When we would go to get the elephants in the morning, they have about 50 yards of chain each to graze on during the night, and just like a dog on the leash tied to the deck, these elephants have entagled their chain around trees, bushes, rocks, you name it. But when they see the mahout and myself there to bring them down to the holy land of sugar cane and bananas, they get VERY excited and the deforestation begins. Whatever the chain was "caught" on before becomes none existant as the elephant rips and pulls the chain to get closer to us.

The elephants are intelligent enough to be taught pretty much anything within their power. When the elephant, mine was named Patuap, had made her way closer to us the chain was entagled in a new host of jungle stuff to be pulled out of. I was thinking it was going to be a hell of a job just when the mahout shouts out something in Thai and Patuap begins pulling trunk lengths of chain to our feet, clear cutting another acre of forest, until the entire length is retrieved. Some of the elephants even put the chain around their own necks to carry back to the center. As if to hurry the process while complaining "Sweet mother of God, what will it take an elephant to get some sugar cane and bananas around here?"

With all this food going in, you better believe there is some sweet by product. Everytime we would do this particular command in which the elephant lies down on their side, each elephant independently would rip the most ferocious fart you've ever heard. They've developed ways to capture this gas in a program called BioGas. I first-hand got to experience the "capturing" of what was to follow. Pounds and pounds of "used" banana trees, bamboo, anything green. Elephant Dung.

They collect all the dung from the 50 or so elephants that call the Thai Elephant Conservation Center home to produce their own line of dung paper. The process goes from collection to washing, to boiling, to stirring, to pressing out the water and there's where I come in. My ob for the next 30 minutes was to pick through the BIG container of dung and break up the clumps until it was fine like cotton. I mixed in some fabric softener and sticky rice glue before breaking down the container into 15 or so softball sized units of shit. Mixing these individually in a smaller bucket, I poured the concoction over a large screen laid within a bamboo frame. Sifted around for a bit, poured out the access water and let it all dry. The dried product is 100% elephant dung paper. I got my Mom some 100% elephant dung notecards- she's always appreciated my thoughtfulness.

The little baby pictured is just over a year-old and was amazing to watch. Elephant young nurse until they are 3 years-old so Arena (the baby) stays in an area with her huge mother. She's plays with the ball that is in the picture by the hour and when she's had enough just kind of falls on the ground for a quick nap. To see 500 pounds of hairy baby roll around like a little puppy is pretty amazing. She can't drink through her trunk yet so she's got to be "hose fed" every few hours. She's learned that people at the fence might have bananas or sugar cane so she's quick to get a trunk up in your face and has even learned to put her 2 front legs on the upper railing of the bamboo fence and then squeek a third leg up as well. Bad elephant habits. She usually falls off after throwing her 3 legged pose to try and get over the fence, but her little hairy face shows an amazing look of determination before the look of "my fat ass is not getting over this fence" settles in.

We worked on a lot of skills (for you Napoleon Dynamite fans.... now would be the perfect time for a little "Chicks like guys with skills.") but one of my favs has got to be bathing the elephants. When you first get them out of the jungle in the morning, they've thrown foliage all over themselves for the last 12 hours and are covered in dirt. First thing we did was take them through a big watering hole to give them a little scrub down. It took a bit of practice, but after watching the mahouts do it, I became a self-proclaimed legendary elephant bather.

A Canadian girl that got here on my last day was not so fortunate. Out of all 50 elephants there is only 1 that really LOVES the water. Her's happened to be that elephant and she thought it was weird when she first started and they kept asking her if she knew how to swim. She was behind me in the morning dip and I looked back to see her elephant go completely under water as the girsl face went from thinking "this is sweet" to "this is not sweet." She drops off the elephant and starts doggy-paddling, up pops this 5000 pound elephant sidestroking through the water like she's in some water aerobics class. Her mahout had to scream and throw rocks at the elephant to make her get out of the water.

The 3 days of training are in preparation for participation in the daily elephant shows for the tourists. I got to show my bathing skills in the lake then make my way to the show grounds and go through a bunch of skills with Patuap in front of an awed crowd. These are not circus tricks the elephants do here, the conservation center program is based on keeping the heritage of logging elephants alive so all the skills are logging based. But they do throw in a little elephant painting and xylophone playing.

I ate dinner the first night at the center with my mahout's family. He's got a wife and 2 little girls that were watching, oddly enough, Tom & Jerry the cartoon in Thai. Outside of their house, 2 HUGE male elephants with tusks about 4 feet long a piece sway to my arrival. I took a shot of "sticky rice whiskey" thinking it would be rude to turn it down, but this stuff ended up being like the devil in a glass. We had sticky rice and some really good curry type stuff before the wife's mother brought over a pot and took off the lid to reveal "jumping shrimp." A little bit of vegetables, a little bit of sauce and a whole lot of clear 2 inch shrimp alive and well jumping all around the pot. They insisted I have the first one, so I figured I would start with a slow one that had obviously been affected by the pipping hot chili's and was kind of lamely bouncing in the corner rather than jumping.

I held him up above my mouth, read him his last rights and Crunch, crunch CrunCh, CRunCh- swallow. EHHHH!!!! I threw my hands up and said my only food related Thai phrase that means "VERY GOOD." The little fuckers were spicy hot, but actually tasted pretty good once they stopped jumping around in your mouth. It was great to be with the local people and great to, once again (if you decide to branch out and experience eating or hanging out with local people, this ALWAYS happens) be the absolute laughing stock of the outing. They would all talk a whole bunch of Thai, then with eyes opened wide look at me and erupt into laughter. I decided if they wanted to play that game I would sit here and eat ALL of their jumping shrimp. So even with my nose beading up with sweat, I perservered and downed the whole gaggle, flock, or whatever you call a bunch of live shrimp. (about $6 worth at the bait store)

Unbelievable experience. This will probably be my last posting for this blog. I'm catching a night train back to Bangkok tonight to fly home on Saturday. I hope you all enjoyed a my stories and thank you for being a part of it. Good times were had....