Tree Prose

From the last time I wrote until 2 weeks ago, I have experienced some of the most intense learning and growth of my life…as a result of the yoga practice and mostly in regards to relationship, with myself, women and men. Now that I have left Koh Phangan for the summer to travel with one of my best friends, Maggie, I have had a bit of time to reflect in order to provide some kind of answer to the question…where in the world am I and what have I been doing?

I just finished 5 of more than 36 months of the Agama yoga curriculum. A novice by all accounts…I spent this first season finding myself amidst all of the joys and pains of tantra yoga. I will try to sum up the experience…

In regards to relationship with men, I learned/experienced that the fastest most harmonious way to solve problems/issues, keep things flowing is to open my heart and feel whatever it is that is happening and then be honest about it. For along time I was spiritualizing issues in relationship with loved ones, which is just another tricky way for the mind to get out of a situation that is particularly painful. For instance, something would break my heart, make me angry or jealous and I would respond with what I know to be true, but not what I am experiencing in the moment. We all ARE one, but if my mind still thinks of and my heart still longs for a closed, monogamous relationship, better to be honest about it from the start! I found that dettachment comes naturally through love and that you don’t have to push dettachment to find love.

As for relationships with women, wow have I been in the dark. Sisters, please excuse me for taking so long to honor and adore this amazing gift we have! Ashley and Amy were brilliant teachers in regards to sisterhood. I can’t forget the moment it struck me. I was headed over to one of my ‘colleague’s’ houses to watch a movie with a bunch of women. When I walked up, I had a scowl on my face and some arrogant/protective/competitive force that has always been there when other women are around arose in me…and just in that moment, I had the chance to witness this and ask myself, why in the heck are you acting like you are better than these women? what was revealed was the desire to be accepted by them, and below that to be accepted by me. So I stopped for just a moment and let my self feel this disgust and it dissolved. I looked up at this group of women and all of a sudden I saw beautiful, joyful, kind sisters. And this was just one of the many, many moments of understanding that arose in relationship with women.

As for myself, I once referred to myself a few months ago as a heart nazi…but again, WANTING to be a being full of love, and actually being a being full of love…totally different. Sure, one leads eventually to the other, but the wanting can also lead to self-torture! Through a seven-day, silent retreat with a teacher from Romania, named Claudio many blessings came in regards to my relationship with me. The most external being this ironic combination of three practices I have been ‘subscribing’ to over the last 5 years. The schedule of meditation was as rigorous as that of the Zen Buddhist Monastery, Dai Bosatsu Zendo, where I lived for six months. There was one led Agama-style yoga session and one self-led session each day. And to top it off, the meditation instruction came from Ramana Maharshi, who was Papaji’s teacher, who was Gangaji’s teacher, who is one of my teachers! All three together–meditation, satsang and yoga…exceptional.

During the retreat, internally, mentally, I went all over the place from love relationships to family, to bones, muscles and organs, to future, to past…sound familiar? All the while being reminded to center my attention in the heart. In a rare moment of stopping, there was one little opening here and there. By day four, I came to place where I was nearly running to get my bum back on the seat for another three hour meditation session…another three hours to feel so deeply into the center of my being that acceptance and patience for me flowed naturally. And when I stop for a moment, even now, even a month later, I can still feel the reverberation of that retreat.

And where am I now? Mcleod Ganj. The home of the Dalai Lama and exiled Tibetans in northern India. How did I get here?Maggie came to pick me up, trouble with the India visa, 11 extra days on the island, spent 7 of them at The Sanctuary where I first taught yoga 5 years ago, and the other 4 trying without success (fear) for the 3rd time to be certified in Open Water Scuba Course, flew to Bangkok to pick up visa, visa was late, 2 amazing days on Koh San (hard to believe but true), flew to Delhi, 115F, dirt, dirt and more dirt, overnight train to Pantakot and 3-hour, infamously precarious bus ride to Dharamsala, more infamous and more precarious bus ride to Mcleod Ganj…foothills of the himalayan mt. range, truly spectacular.

Now that you are officially updated I am curious to know are you still out there? I think I’ll go send an e-mail to you to let you know I am still here.

love,
tp

If you’ve made it this far, and would like more! maggie’s an amazing writer and a dilligent blogger…www.travelingmaggie.blogspot.com.

Tags: Travel

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 at 10:47 am and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.