I’m So Tired, I’ll Choose Nothing, Thanks.
I’ve been back in the States, back at “home” for over a month, now–and I think the exhaustion of both the trip and dealing with being here has finally taken hold of me.
In fact, it’s taken over.
Yesterday, I managed to do almost nothing at all. Everytime I begin to do something, I’m tired soon afterwards.
Part of this is physical–just having to recognize that I am exhausted from what has been a long, ardous journey and dealing with how that fact impacts how much of day to day life I can deal with.
Part of it’s emotional–it’s a BIG difference to be out in the world, feeling like you can do anything, and then coming home, and realizing the rules are alot different at home. Everyone talks about that “depression” that hits one after returning from travel…I’m not sure I’ve hit that wall (yet!), but I’ve had some glimpses of what over travelers are talking about.
And part of it is cultural–American life is so tiring. There’s so much pressure–to drive here or there, see this person or that one, be on time. In India, things were overwhelming for different reasons: the sheer number of people, for example, made it difficult to get from point A to point B.
There were so many people in India that there was very little privacy or personal space–at least by American standards. So one thing I am enjoying is just being alone, spending time alone, eating alone, reading alone, thinking alone, walking alone. It’s precious and a bit surreal to take a walk by myself or to cook dinner for one–but it’s lovely. I find being with other people all day still a bit too tiring(even though I enjoy it!) and everytime I do plan an all day activity with others, it takes me a day to recover.
Yesterday I was so tired that I only managed to go to the local food coop and buy some groceries. That’s it. I did nothing else. The trip to the store was so exhausting! So many choices, aisles of food and fruit and vegetables and organic and not organic and 20 brands of milk. It took me two hours to buy a tiny basket of groceries. By the time I got home, I realized I had not bought the things that I had actually needed–but it was too late to go back.
All the choices here–for example: where to get a cup of coffee, what kind of milk to have in that coffee, sugar?, for here or to go? where to sit, who to talk to..it’s just too much sensory overload for me sometimes. It’s just coffee! It’s hard to go from no choice or one choice to unlimitless choice.
So I find that keeping things simple really helps my state of mind. Less choice, less worry.
I’ve got some very big plans for the future. But I think it’s wise to look at this particular period of time as a well deserved rest period. However, I should mention that it’s a real struggle for me to truly “rest”. I always like to be busy!
At any rate, my body and mind are so tired of me pushing them around to do whatever had to be done that they are now ganging up against me and refusing to budge.
I am completely exhausted. If I make it through a day without a significant portion of the day devoted to napping I am very surprised.
So, my goal for the next few weeks is to..nap..daydream..relax..get well/healthy.. read trashy novels….spend lots of time alone…not think too much…
Less choice, less worry. More time for naps with the dog. Simple things make life better.
gigi
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