true life planet

So I’ve been here for two weeks and as yet, been unable to write a single entry about this place or this experience.

Why?

Well, quite frankly, some of it has not been particularly enjoyable. I am at a loss as to how to communicate this well without somehow damaging the name of the particular sect of Buddhists I am living with.

This is certainly a new challenge.

Everyday, I wake up, thinking, today I will be able to write about what I am experiencing..and everyday..I don’t end up writing anything. On the blog anyway.

It’s not like every single aspect of daily life here is terrible-far from it. But there is an awful lot going on here that makes no sense in regards to volunteering here. I also have been allowing myself to get as deep into Buddhism as my poor tiny mind will allow(which isn’t much!) and I have impressions about that as well which are not all favorable.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only choice I have is to go thru the blog and take out any specifics about the name of the sect of Buddhists and also where exactly I am. Keep a sense of mystery, you know? And free me up so that I can write about what it’s really like, day to day here.

So I’ll be writing you all from…”somewhere in the middle of England”, I suppose!

Tomarrow I am leaving this place, along with everyone else, to head to a big gathering they are having..they call it a festival, but what it actually is a a chance to hear their Spiritual Guide, or Guru.

I am interested in what he has to say, as I have read a few of his books since being here, and they were somewhat interesting. However, the thought of being in a crowd of thousands doesn’t thrill me. I am interested in seeing how the Buddhists are in crowds…will they push and shove? Or will everyone be polite and considerate, even if it means missing the chance to get up close to their Guru?

As accomodation is quite expensive and full anyway, I’m camping. Someone has given me a tent and a sleeping bag, and hopefully I will remember how to put up a tent from a past life. It is supposed to rain the whole time, so having never camped in the rain with hundreds of people I do not know, I am looking forward to the adventure.

In general life here is very ordered, with a set schedule for certain things, and things pretty much stay to that schedule. I’m enjoying the actual work and being able to lend a hand in cleaning up the grounds, which is an awesome task.

What I haven’t neccessary enjoyed are the methods of communication, the seeming lack of social skills, and the management style. Sometimes the way they do things makes me feel small and worried, and that turns into negative thinking.

One thing I have learned form my travels so far is that when you are in a situation that is challenging you, questioning your sense of place or self, I tend to actually discover that I know myself much better than I thought I did. Somehow I always rise to the occassion, even if I don’t want to. But here, I am having trouble with being who I am, which is a generally cheerful, look on the sunny side of life person.

Another thing I am struggling with is Buddhism in general. Buddhists believe in karma-and not some top 40, pick and choose when you want to believe in karma mindset-but, rather, an all pervading, daily, hourly, sense of karma. So the nice part is that they are very nice to bugs, apologizing and praying over one if they kill one by accident(which is all the time)…but the downside is that they believe people are born in to the lives they have, and that some people suffer horribly because it is their karma.

Downside to this point of view? Well, they believe that there is nothing we can do to end human suffering. We can’t give hungry people food, end torture, rescue animals even…because it is that creatures karma to suffer. Well, we can do those things to gain merit, but not to end suffering.

How awful. Particularly for me, because my trip around the world is all about ending suffering, at least on a small scale. But basically my trip makes no sense from the Buddhist point of view, except that I may gather up some merit, which is kind of like brownie points for the next life.If I’ve got enough merit from this life I’m in, I may be able to get a better life in the next life-like I could end up being a lower life form, like a worm, but then in the golden hour, my merit will be measured, and I’ll get to be a nice fat housecat instead.

The result of this belief is that Buddhists believe that the only way to end suffering is to become enlightened beings themselves, which is a somewhat lengthy process of offerings, prostrtations, and meditations, as well as following a series of strict rules for a holy life. So this keeps the focus very inward. (Although I should say that they do pray for world peace and so on, and they do request help for suffering people in their meditations). For them, its all about refining their mind, mind being something kind of specific and obscure at the same time-something that stays with us, from life to life we have(even when reborn as a slug, for example), but this mind isn’t seen.

The mind isn’t like the soul-it’s more of an intellectual concept than anything else.

The only way to get in touch with your mind is to meditate. That’s it. And, to get in touch with your mind for more than a millisecond requires intense concentration and constant practice-and that is even to glimpse it very briefly.

So I’ve been trying out meditation classes and so on when they have been offered. I have yet to see any such mind, but I will tell you that from the few times I have tried to meditate, I can’t believe how many thoughts I have that come out of nowhere and fill up my head! It’s amazing I get anything done at all. Of course, they say it’s like that for anyone, but still-what a shock , all of those random thoughts floating around up there going nowhere.

I’m out of time, have to finish up….

So, I’m off to work in the garden and then today I have to make lunch for everyone.

They asked me what I would need to make lunch and I said, ” Vegetables. Fruits. Thats it.”

And they said, ” Where’s your carb?”

Yes. Where is it? I wasn’t planning on making one, since we have eaten enough carbs here in the last several days to last a lifetime. ( In spite of it being a vegetarian place, it’s a English vegetarian place! Heavy on the dumplings, bread, and so on..) I’ve given in and decided to make baked potatoes.

So thats all the excitement going on here today.

On another subject entirely, looks like I may get a chance to go to P. New Guinea for some volunteering towards the end of the trip. Any thoughts out there on P. New Guinea? I was reading how dangerous it is there, so thoughts of yours would be welcome.

Gigi

Dear readers,

I am sorry to say that I have neglected this blog for a bit too long. Part of this was due to just needing a break (having become a bit of a blog slave!), and part of this was just too..sort of losing my momentum regarding writing in general.

However, the blog is back!

General Updates:

The photos from the Camino de Santiago should be up any day now. I’m afraid some of you will find them a bit dull, as its lots of pictures of the Camino itself and old crumbling houses and green scenery. But for those of you who who have the desire to do the Camino someday yourself, the photos will give you a pretty good idea of what you are in for.

After the Camino, I met up with my boyfriend in Spain and we toured around for a bit.

Unfortunately I was robbed in Madrid( me, and apparently everyone else) of passport and money and so on, and so that colored the start of my vacation with him a bit. Although I liked the Prado and spent several days there, I was not big fan of Madrid-and not just because I was robbed. It seemed very flashy and ..somewhat seedy.

We headed for the city of Palencia after that, which was beautiful, safe, and walkable-full of old city squares and a very beautiful Cathedral. We were really the only tourists in the cathedral, and the guide took a liking to us, so we got an extended all day tour.

After Palencia, we headed back to an area I had walked thru on the Camino de Santiago and had a fondness for- Castrojeriz.

You may recall that it was in this small village I ate pastry, wandered around all day, met some lovely nuns, and in general had my peak experiences on my Camino. So we returned there and ended up spending just short of a week there, doing many of the same things I had done before.

We also walked up to the castle ruins , which overlook the city (spectacular-but don’t look down, unless you want to get some serious vertigo!) , walked tp the ruins of the San Anton Convent outside of town, and made some new friends.

After Castrojeriz, we headed to Santo Domingo de Silo, to hear some monks sing Gregorian chant. The monks there are famous for their singing, and it was worth the trip.

We stayed at this strange hotel run by a very odd family. The wife in particular was very memorable-she was very friendly and yet disagreeable at the same time, if such a thing is possible. She wore flowered dresses, sat in the bar blowing her nose, watching game shows and eating piles of buttered toast. She seemed to begin drinking wine very early in the day…

Santo Domigo de Silos also had a festival going on while we were there, devoted to Mary of the Market, their patron. The main feature of the festival seemed to be all the children of the village, who were marching and dancing backwards up the road to the church several times a day to the sound of a few simple instruments. In spite of the fact that they were small children, they repeated this dance thruout the day for two days, at regular intervals. The children were decked out in frocks (even the boys) with ribbons and white lacy pants underneath. The dancing was at first pretty cool, but after a few days of it I have to admit, I shut the window to block out the music, whose same tune over and over had begun to get on my nerves!

We ended up in Burgos after that-and spent an entire day looking at the famous Cathedral there. Do you think we were getting Cathedral overload by that point? Why yes, we were. It was getting to the point (particularly for me, because I’d just spent weeks walking from Cathedral to Cathedral!) that I couldn’t even think of going into another church… I was so overloaded on religious art.

Burgos, and its inhabitants(particularly women) seemd born to shop. Shopping in fact, seemed to be the main pastime of the residents, other than smoking, drinking coffee, and walking aound visitng tapas places. I am being serious here when I say that Burgos people literally seem to shop all day long, and have their own sense of style that seems different than other areas of Spain, sort of lots of patterns and little suits and every woman wears heels, and is, of course, accompanied by shopping bags.

Burgos also had a big yearly festival going on while we were there.

Actually, it seemed to be festival time no matter where we were in Spain during those three weeks..

But their festival had these enormous plastic and paper people walking around, operated by these guys who had to get inside of them. It was quite interesting to watch them parade around. Unfortuantely, the festivals also seem to be accompanied by loud parties in the streets until all hours, so I’m afraid we did not sleep well while in Burgos!

After Burgos, we headed for another area entirely-The city of Taragona, which is near Barcelona. We went to see the Roman ruins, and ended up being surprised by how much we enjoyed the city’s relaxed, mediteranean vibe-us, and tons of other tourists who had obviously come for exactly the same thing.

The Roman ruins were really amazing-what was most interesting to me was how they were just sort of wedged in here and there, amongst apartment buildings and people hanging their laundry. Inside, they were creepy and dark, and surprisingly in very good condition. Some of them were in such good condition that they were used as prisons in Spain until quite recently!

We ended our time in Spain with a few days in Barcelona, which has to be the most worthwhile city in Spain to visit. It has a great relaxed vibe, and feels like Spain, but is more..international in flavor. We stayed in a beautiful place, ate some delicious food, and spent our last few days in the country looking at Gaudi.

Gaudi was a a rather strange guy who created some very interesting buildings and public areas in Spain-the best of which are in Barcelona.

It’s a bit difficult to describe his work, except to say when you look at it, your immediate reaction is somewhat incredulous, as it’s so many different textures and materials all it once it’s hard to believe someone imagined it at all, let alone figured out how to build it. His buildings are…organic..sort of dripping, melting, fluid creations of stone, cement and mosaic.

We spent one day looking at the Sagrada Familia, his enormous Cathedral. It was started but never completed, and work continues to this day. In fact, going there, you don’t feel like you are in a church, but rather a huge construction site, a craftsmans workshop, a sculpters studio…walking into it, the entire center area is filled to the brim with workmen and scaffolding and mold makers and so on. Of course the down side is that it is also filled with tourists and vending machines-I wonder what Gaudi would have thought of that.

The Park Guell is another Gaudi creation we spent some time at. A enormous park overlooking the city, it too was never finished due to a lack of money? interest? and so on..the last work done on it by Gaudi was in 1915. Yet, in spite of this, it is a breathtaking park, full of his typical dripping, fluid, otherworldly stone and cement creations. Some areas feel quite church like, in fact.

The mosaics there are really spectacular-and being a mosaic artist myself, it’s like going to a holy site of something like that! I had seen the mosaics there in pictures, but nothing really does it justice in a photo-you just can’t get the effect, the scale of it, and the organic quality of it until you see it in person.

Unfortunately, people actually were sitting all over the sculptures and getting in the way of really being able to see them the way they were meant to be seen. In fact, there were so many tourists there that it was incredible..lots of school outings, lots of teenagers, lots of tour groups…if I hadn’t been looking at Gaudi, it wouldn’t have been all that enjoyable!

In Barcelona, my boyfriend and I said a tearful and hearftfelt goodbye. For now, anyway. As the trip continues on, I know we will meet up somewhere else along the way. Still, it is hard, saying goodbye until then. It may be some time before we are able to see each other again , and I think we were both really aware of that fact on that last morning together. yet, I think we both think the trip is a good thing. The fact is, it’s just something I have to do, in spite of the fact that it makes some things in life really challenging.

From Barcelona, I flew to London, where I barely got into the country! Apparently England is a strange country about who they let in and who they don’t-strange in the sense that they are very picky with alot of rules. So I remained in customs for 2 hours while they debated my fate.

It all had something to do with my destination, as I had told them I was going on a spiritual retreat to this Buddhist monastery, and then they asked me if I would be doing any work there, and I said (albiet, somewhat stupidly) yes. I didn’t eloborate too much, just siad I might do a bit of gardening or something, but this put them into a panic and they began considering me in a different light.

Finally, they let me in, as I had them look up that I had a ticket out of the country on September 3rd, so I would be on my way soon enough, thank you very much!

I was let go with the following specific instructions, ” That it will overlooked , any volunteer work that I undertake, at said monastery, due to it being a spiritual retreat. However, they will be keeping an eye on me, and looking out for any possibility that I might take up volunteer work elsewhere. Additionally, I am absolutely forbidden to volunteer anywhere else at any time in the country, and if this is discovered, I will be deported immediately.”

I actually have a document that says all that. How ridiculous. So even if someone needs something, I can’t help them, at all. What is the world coming to?

Leaving London..is not easy. Getting to the monastery..even harder. Luckiliy for me, English men are the nicest, sweetest men I have ever met, everyone of them a gentleman, and excellent with giving directions, as well as insistent on waiting around for your train and then making sure you are well situated, with another person to help you along. I think this happened to me at least 3 or 4 times on my way to Derby, so that by the time I had arrived in Derby, I had no ill will or resentment lingering from the grumpy and difficult officers in the airport, and had instead decided that they were an exception and that English people in general are the nicest people in the entire world!

Arrival at the monastery was strange-I ended up taking a taxi there, and when I got out and went in thru the front door, there was no one around, so I sat around for awhile. It turned out everyone was in some sort of meditation retreat, and I finally found someone who directed me to my room upstairs, where I went and promptly feel asleep until the next morning.

I’ve been here now for a week.

My feelings for the place have changed day by day. Sometimes I like it very much, other times I feel like its too remote. I actually haven’t even left the grounds(it’s 38 acres) yet, and there is only a small village nearby, so there is not much reason to go anywhere.

My first few days I did alot of differnt jobs, from toilet cleaning to furniture moving..but now things have taken a differnt turn and I am assigned the front garden for the entire length of my stay!

As I am a gardener, this is delight.

Let me say also that the grounds here are spectacular, the things of dreams. For a person who loves to garden, to be able to be here working on these gardens is simply amazing, as much of the plantings are quite old, and one gets to work with alot of classic plants like peonies and so on.

However, none of the residents here garden. In fact, they have not had a gardener for more than 5 years. This means that the gardens that are such a delight are overgrown and overrun with weeds and alot of invasive plants. Whole sections have to be dug up and replanted. Althougth the classic English garden looks simple, in truth, it’s not. It’s a lot of work to get it to look that way.

So, my job is to get it beautiful again, which is very exciting, and I am finding this particular job to be very interesting and rewarding. And-certainly very different than anything else I have done so far! I definitely feel like it is meeting the purpose of the trip, to be of service, as since the people here have no gardening experience, they need someone here to take care of things rather desperately.

I also have been to a course on Buddhism, since my arrival happened to be around the same time as a weekend long course on the subject. I am surprised about what I have learned so far, and it seems to be much different in practice than what I assumed it to be in the past. Perhaps this is because in the USA , we have many people who say they are Buddhist, but they aren’t really practioners-they just like certain ideas perhaps, and leave the rest. I’ve also been learning how many types of Buddhism there are-there are loads!

I am stuggling with the English accents, as depending on where a person is from, their accent can sometimes be quite broad, or can turn into sort of a mumble. There are a few people who can’t understand me, either. I truly do feel like I am in a foreign land!

Tea drinking is an important custom that happens thruout the day, and every few hours, no matter what you are doing, you stop and have a cup of tea. tea making is a fine art, and I of course, got it all wrong from the start, but I think I am getting the hang of it. People here take their tea extremely seriously-but coffee just seems to be an afterthought… too bad, as I am a coffee drinker.  I’m trying to get into  the tea-thing, and who knows, I may develop an obsession for it myself.

As for how to treat writing about this place, the beliefs the people hold here, and the experience in general, I’ve been debating about this all week. I’ve finally decided to treat the whole thing in the same manner I treated the Ngobe in Panama-write from the perspective of someone living with a strange tribe, with strange and new customs.

It’s pretty much true, isn’t it? I mean, the language is different, the custioms are different, the religion is different, the food is different, the attitudes towards everything..all different.

So, thats it for now. Today is my first day off from this place, so I’m going to go to a nearby town and try to find some secondhand shops to buy some work clothes for the garden and go try some English food and a pint of something or other…

gigi

Hello Dear Readers,

I will be taking a vacation from the blog for the next 3 weeks. I know, I know, you are dying to hear about my adventures in the coming weeks, but I have decided that if this time with my boyfriend is going to be a real vacation, then that means a vacation from the blog as well.

Tonight I´m taking the night train to Madrid in time to meet him in the morning, and then we´ll be traveling around Spain and Morocco for the next few weeks. I´ll be flying out of Barcelona on July 9th into London, and making my way to the next volunteer position.

The next time I write, it will be from a buddhist monastery in Etwall.

Until then,

gigi

I finally made it to Santiago yesterday morning.

How in the world did you do that?, you may ask..as my last blog entry had me taking it slow and easy….

Well, I can´t say what came over me..perhaps it was getting tiring to go to refuge after refuge; perhaps it was that Santiago was so close; perhpas it was insanity. I can´t say-it probably was a combination of all three things!

Last off I was in Arzua, having only managed a measly 3 kilometers before pooping out.

That night in Arzua, I ran into the Englishman and Australian woman I had started out with on my very first day. We shared an interesting meal of squid cooked in it´s own ink. Remember awhile back when I was offered wasp larvae in Panama? Well, I´m beginning to realize people all over the world eat gross looking stuff. Actually it was pretty tasty. Better than the wasp larvae..

Anyway, it was great to see them, hear about their camino, and just enjoy their delightful company.

I drank so much wine and ate so much food I slept peacefully-plus, for once, no snorers near me-and I awoke in the morning bright and early feeling positive and energetic. I started out that morning at a good pace, and covered 20 kilometer by noon. I could have stopped..but, something kept me going.

That something was named Marco-a Brazilian man who encouraged me to keep going. I decided I could do it-I would walk to Mount Joy. That would be a 40 kilometer day, but I would be able to see Santiago for the first time(ergo the name of the place, Mount Joy).

So, I kept going…and going..and going. Most of the other people along the camino had stopped for the day by one or two o´clock, but I kept pushing onwards, fueled on by insanity. At about 30 kilometers, I thought I was done for-the sun was burning bright and it was blazing hot, for once-and it was exhausting. I was sitting by the side of the road (or maybe I was actually lying by the side of the road) when a German cyclist stopped and talked with me for awhile. Somehow he said the words I needed to hear , and I kept going all the way to Mount Joy. It ended up being a forty kilometer day-the most I´ve ever walked.

I walked-or rather limped-into Mount Joy. A boisterous Italian man came up to me and congratulated me on making it, and I burst into tears and hugged him. I could not stop crying for over an hour. Even when I was in line to get a bed at the refuge, I was in tears. Part of this was from pain, but part of it was just to have made it.

Once I got a bed, I got into it and stayed there for about 10 hours. My legs did not want to follow any commands whatsoever. They were exhausted. My mind, too, was overwhelmed, at all I had been thru in the last month and at being able to finally be so close to Santiago. You don´t really realize how much it is going to affect you until you are close to it. It seems to take everyone by surprise, and people are all very emotional.

The next morning, I got up early and walked the 7 kilometers into Santiago. I arrived there in the square by the Cathedral just as a group of horsemen from Portugal were arriving-they had riden their horse from Portugal to Santiago. The square was foggy, the horses were white, the men dressed in folkloric costumes from Portugal. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale. There were only a few other pilgrims milling about and the tourist stalls were just starting to set everything up.

Climbing the stairs to go into the awesome Cathedral was overwhelming-physically painful but also just so emotional for me. I have gone thru so much on this walk  and feel drastically different than when I began. I feel like I left myself behind on the camino and I was walking into the Cathedral as  a brand new human being, changed.

Once in the Cathedral I sank to my knees. Not only is it spectacular(language doesn´t do the place justice, so no words suffice) but the energy in the place is intense-it is full of pilgrims from all over the world, who have traveled long distance to be there. There are reunions happening right and left, people are joyful and people are crying and one has the sense that yopu are taking a part in an enormous miracle. I felt like I stopped breathing and everything was in slow motion, I was just on my knees in the pew and just overwhelmed with everything but peaceful at the same time.

A nun began to sing the most beautiful music I have ever heard. People were still and just listened.

The priest went thru the mass, and when it was time to take communion, I went up and took it. It was the most intense communion I have ever had, one is just so grateful and happy and joyful all at once. You are just everything all at once.

I´ve been here in Santiago for a few days now, letting my ankles heal and taking it easy. I went to go get my Compostella and was overwhelmed by the experience-once you´ve stopped walking day in and day out, you begin to realize what you have been thru in the last month and it begins to sink in.

It´s like a miracle, a miraculous undertaking, something you realize when you are finished that you could have never done alone.

This realization in itself is miraculous enough, but then it just keeps coming, one miracle after another, and you realize your camino has only just begun.

I feel so changed, so drastically different from having walked the camino. I feel as though I know myself so much better, and know God better, and know humanity better.

It changes you. The camino changes everything, turns everything you thought you knew upsidedown and when you are done, you see everything differently.

Travel changes you, too. Just the act of travel changes you.

When I went home briefly after being in Central America (just before coming to Spain) I was telling someone in my life how I really had changed so much from the experience of being in Central America for months working with the very poor.

¨No, you haven´t changed.¨, they said. ¨You´re the same.¨

Really.

I marvelled that someone would tell me that I was no different when they were not me. But one thing I realize from being on the camino is that changing is a part of traveling-it is impossible not to change (albiet, somewhat drastically) when confronting the best and worst of oneself-not to mention the best and worst of humanity, day after day. 

And I am changed. I am changed just by walking.

I invite you to consider changing your own life-changing some part of yourself you thought was impossible, or changing something about yourself simply by being merciful to yourself.

Practice mercy with yourself.

Walk your way into love and well being and being the person you actually are-and walk away from other´s expectations, other´s interpretations, and so on. We live in a culture of others-where others decide for us how we are to be, what our dreams are, and  so on.

Once you´ve started doing this, start inviting those others back into your life. Hear their struggles and help move them as well, to a life which they have only dreamed of and where they learn to be merciful towards themselves.

If I take anything away from the camino, it is that I will from this point onward, I will have the life that I dreamt of when I was small, a life entirely focused on being a humanitarian, focused on a life of service.

 I invite you to walk towards whatever dreams you may have had long ago. They are possible-everything is within reach.

¨Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Everyday I walk myself into a state of wellbeing and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. ¨ -Soren Kierkegaard

And buen camino, to those of you out there who are about to undertake what will no doubt be one of the most intense and astonishing periods of personal and spiritual growth in your life.

gigi

A short,  basic update: 

I´ve made as far as Arzua, and am basically taking a rest day before the big day tomarrow of  18.5 kilometers to Pedrouzo. …(Well, at this point, that is a big day for me!

My ankles are not happy, the tendonitis in the right leg is worse, and the ankle that was sprained is still suffering. The good news is that since my stuff was stolen, my bag is a lot lighter, so that is helping alot!

So I´m slowing down today, and I only walked a mere 3 kilometers!

However, I am somewhat glad, as everyone seems to be trying to make it to Santiago on Sunday..and I won´t be there until Monday!

I´ve spent the last week or so just thinking and walking and enjoying what is the end of a spectacular experience.

There are many , many other people that are injured and are doing the same. We are all just taking our time and eating bread and cheese and drinking lots of coffee at sidewalk cafes. You´d think we would be feeling sorry for ourselves-but instead, everyone is making the best of it and learning something from their injuries. It´s a very pleasant group of people that keep crossing my path, and I feel glad to be injured and have the chance to not rush and actually get to know some people walking along with me.

I´ve also been thinking alot about what is coming up for me:

I´ll be meeting my boyfriend in Madrid to look at art and the sights on the 19th of June, and then we´ll be looking at the Alhambra down South. Then (and I´m very excited about this!) we´re going to go to Morocco for a bit, and then head back up into Spain for Barcelona, to spend a few days with Gaudi. As I am a mosaic artist, I´m really excited to go to many of these destinations!

From Barcelona, I´ll be flying to England, where my journey returns to being one of volunteering: I´ll be at the TaraCentre, a Buddhist retreat center in Etwall, Derbyshire,England. I´ll be volunteering there, doing…whatever they want me to do…until the end of August. I hope to learn the practice of meditation while I am there as well.

The Taracentre website is http://www.taracentre.org.uk/meditation_etwall.shtml

They practice a type of Buddhism called Kadampa Buddhism.

So, hasta luego until Santiago! Until then, just taking it slow and easy…

gigi

This will be the shortest entry I have ever written, mostly because I am almost out of money and have already written three…

The Camino has changed….I was abit nervous to skip ahead to the last 100 kilometers, thinking I would be walking with more of the same sort of people(walking 45 kilometers in a day, and so on) and I was told by some that I was ¨cheating¨!

However, when I arrived in Ferreiros… I was most pleasantly surprised…the other people walking along with me are eithe (a) just starting out, and only walking 100 kilometers, or (b) exhausted from walking for weeks on end, and so have mellowed out, or (c) skipped ahead as I did because they are injured.

The number of people who are very injured and so are moving along at a snail´s pace has increased dramatically. So, I am in excellent company.

For me, the Meseta part of the Camino was the best part for thinking, for musing, for figuring out my way in life-but this last leg is so beautiful, so lush, so green, so..breathtakingly beautiful,  that to me it is the best part to take slowly and enjoy.

In fact, I am quite happy to be injured and limping my way along thru what has to be one of the most beautiful places I´ve ever been in my entire life.

So, enjoying myself immensely..and probably no more entries until Santiago itself!

gigi

I decided to take a bus from Leon to Sarria, as now both of my ankles are not doing well.

I arrived in Sarria at 9:30 at night. You would think I would have thought this arrival time out more-but, (a) the bus was late to begin with;and, (b) I didn´t think it out at all, actually.

So of course, when I got there it was quite late. A very nice woman who got off the bus with me directed me down a street, and told me to go to a certain house, where there was a family that rented rooms.

I went there, I knocked, they answered, I asked..no rooms. They called the refugio..no rooms, either. They suggested another place, not quite nearby, and I started walking there.

At this point I began to notice that  Sarria had a slightly seedy element-and this element was out on the street. Suddenly, it didn´t seem like a good idea to be walking around, looking obviously lost, with an enormous backpack and a tired expression.

I ducked into a bar. (This sounds like a bad idea…but in Spain, the bars are very nice.)

The  owners directed me down the street, to another bar, who apparently rented rooms sometimes. I entered the bar and found the owner.

Yes, he had a room. Was I hungry? I was famished. Good, sit, sit, eat something.

He proceeded to bring out plate after plate of food. After dinner, I paid for the room and discovered it was in a building down the street.Ok, this is a little different, but I was so tired I didn´t care. I waddled down the street after him, feeling like all I wanted was a bed.

We came to the building that I was supposed to sleep in-it was a half shell of a building, actually-plastic sheeting for windows, graffiti in the hallway. After walking up two flights of stairs, and not hearing another soul, I reached in my bag and wrapped my hand around the container of mace I had just bought in Leon.

We reached the room, he opened the door, and proceeded to eye me up and down.

¨It´s too bad you are alone, with this big bed¨, he said, licking his lips and looking utterly disgusting.

I was at a loss as to what to say, because frankly I was distracted by the nastiness of the room. It was dirty, smelled of cigarettes, and had a dank smell.

¨Yes, well, goodnight¨, I said, pushing him out the door with my walking poles(those poles have many uses!).

I was surveying my disgusting surroundings when he could be heard on the other side of the door…¨I´m right next door, if you need anything-in the room right next to yours¨, he gleefully informed me. ¨There are no other guests.¨, he said.

I locked the door. He came back ,and talking to me from the other side of my door, informed me that he was just on the other side of the wall, if I decided I did not want to be alone tonight.

Unfortunately, the bathroom was outside, in the hall. I decided not to risk it, and peed in a plastic cup. Not easy, but something I have perfected since traveling in Central America. (Note to self: Always travel with pee container.)

I slept with all the lights on, all night.

In the morning-as soon as it was barely light-I snuck out as quietly as possible, and began walking to Ferreiro.

No wonder that room was only 10 euros….

gigi

¨I don´t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and have found how to serve.¨- Albert Schweitzer

I was very blessed at the start of my trip to take part in a book trade at one of refugios-I traded  a book about the lives of the Saints for a book on the life of Albert Schweitzer.

I´ve been lugging this book around with me, from refugio to refugio, up and down mountains, reading it in cafes and on park benches, for over a month. Although I had heard of him, I didn´t know much about him or his life before reading this particular book.

This book has changed my life. Why? I´m not quite sure, except to say that I feel that he is speaking to me thru this book-his life was one of devotion and service, of selflessness and real love. He was the sort of person that I aspire to be. He´s goodness.

I think the quote above is my favorite quote of his. He had much to say on the subject of service-that is, what it means to truly be of service to others. At the same time, he had an understanding of human nature-what we are up against in ourselves-to truly become a person of service in the world. He had some circumstances that forced him to confront himself -and, once he confronted himself, he was able to give up himself for the sake of humanity. He was able to be compassionate towards people who were cruel towards him, and he went beyond himself to do so.

I´ve been really confronted on the Camino by myself-by the self imposed limits I have put on myself. There are limits from society as well-such as one´s job, finances, relationships, family-but, if you think about it, these are all limits that we accept. We are a bit uncomfortable going against the grain.

I think one thing the Camino does(and I´ve mentioned this before) is it calls into question how we think about life and why we think the way we do. Being on the Camino..makes one realize that most limits are self imposed. We really can decide to do it differently, to play by different rules entirely. We buy into what our culture tells us-that this is the sort of life to strive for, that this is the definition of a romantic relationship, that this is what we really want.

Meanwhile, we are somewhat lost. We spend our entire lives in jobs we don´t like, working for a retirement we may not be able to enjoy. We neglect our dreams, we avoid looking at our own possibilities, at our dreams…not realizing it is possible to have the dream and happiness, too.

I´m thinking about things so much differently. There are many things , many dreams, that I wanted for my life when I was younger that I let fall by the wayside. I listened to my own fears, and also let myself be influenced by the fears of others. I  was too afraid to design my own life, to use and appreciate all the gifts God has given to me.

I started out my journey, knowing that it was going to be designed not solely around traveling from place to place, but around the concept of being free to lead a life of service and to be useful to others less fortunate than myself, thruout the entire world, for three years. I limited this time of service to three years! I think this is because I was fearful to truly devote my entire life to the service of others-it was much easier to compartmentalize in and say it was only for three years.

This fear, of the unknown, of the idea of truly giving one´s entire life, truly giving one´s own life up, is the thing that stops many people from becoming the great humanitarians they could be. Fear-it keeps us selfish and small-minded. At least, this is what it did to me.

Perhaps what I´m saying doesn´t ring true for you..but, according to Albert, this is the problem we are all confronted with-and it is the primary thing in the way of leading as life of service.

For some reason-perhaps it is the magic of the Camino-I´ve really been feeling as though my life is headed down a completely different path. I feel not only will the next few years of my life be about serving those less fortunate than myself-but that my entire life will be devoted to service. Many of the things that were keeping me from this life change were within myself-and many were outside of me.

Albert said that ¨¨We are afraid to truly be of service because we are afraid of suffering.¨

The truth in that statement is profound-think about it: we are afraid to be of service because we are afraid we will suffer. I think we are worried that if we don´t keep something for ourselves, we will be suffering. But one thing I have learned is that if we give away everything we think we need, we are able to fully recieve everything that comes our way. It´s us that gets in the way of ourselves. There is such freedom in letting go.

Once I am done with my trip around the world, I have made a commitment-a firm commitment-to devote myself to poor and needy people, for the rest of my life.

I can attest to the extreme satisfaction I have felt in letting go of whatever I have felt I needed, and letting God who needs those things, my talents, or my energies the most. Working with the Ngobe in Panama-a poor indigenous tribe- changed my life, and it was the beginning of this decision to have a life designed around the specific goal of service. The Camino has taken this experience, this seed that was planted, and taken a step further…to a place with no fears, but only the realization that helping others is the most satisfying expression of what is good in the world.

Here are some ways I have decided to help others in the world upon my return to the USA:

1. I´ve decided to start a truly eucumenical prayer group for women: everyone included, from Catholic to Buddhist to Jewish..to whatever…because it is this division between us that keeps us from God and in being compassionate for our fellow man(and woman!).

2. I´ve decided to continue doing some of the volunteer work I was doing before I left-most importantly, English lessons for illegal immigrants from Mexico.

3. I´ve decided to grow a very large garden and consume as little of packaged goods as possible, and educating people in the USA about how our consumer culture is having a drastic impact on the world´s resources.

4. I´ve decided to become a leader of a Girl scout troop.

5. I´ve decided to create a website on volunteerism-one that specifically addresses some of the problems one faces when volunteering, and how to find a good volunteer opportunity.

6. I´ve decided to start my own non profit organization, to specifically help the Ngobe of Panama(and perhaps other indigenous groups I meet along the way), and make this employment my primary employment.

7. I´ve decided to write a book on my trip around the world, with a focus on living  a life of service and the spiritual and life lessons I have learned.

8. I´ve decided to adopt a child, one with a disability, or who is a bit older, or not easily adoptable-because, after living with some of the poorest people in the world, and seeing the lack of opportunities for women and children(in particular children who have some kind of physical disability)-I can clearly see that this is way I can change not just one life, but the entire world. Many cultures in the world kill children that are not ¨perfect¨, due to the fact that it is not culturally acceptable. Western culture does the same thing-we have ¨throwaway¨culture, even when it comes to human beings. (I am specifically to the way we treat disabled people in our culture).

9. I have decided to live on less, and make a firm commitment to live a simple life, unencumbered by ¨stuff¨. You can´t take it with you-living out of a backpack for months on end has taught me that!

10. I am making a firm commitment to do whatever it takes to make the world a better place, to end poverty thruout the world, specifically: to improve the lives of poor woman and children thruout the world.

Well, I´d better get started..I´m going to be 40 in August, so I´ve only got 40 years left to get all that done!

Once again, I thank the Camino..the Camino, for me, has become a living, breathing thing that  has shown me a new way to live.

gigi

If anyone out there has suffered or suffers from panic attacks, you know how awful and all-consuming they can be.

For those of you who don´t suffer from them, count your blessings.

I myself have been suffering from panic attacks most of my life, since I was a teenager.

When I began my around-the-world trip back in October, I was at a point in my life when I was experiencing them almost daily. I would get them often because of stresses in my life, and the way I dealt with stress and stressful situations.

As I have been traveling, they have been happening less and less frequently. I still have stressful situations(probably more of them!) but the way I´m handling the stress is drastically changing. I find myself noticing what triggers them, and while I´m not avoiding these situations , I´m not inviting them to be a part of my journey either.

Being the Camino has a been a tremendous time of reflection for me. Without the distractions of one´s life, and all that that entails, one can actually take a break from the demands of others and oneself..and really examine one´s soul, what moves one, what one needs. There are not the distractions of one´s job, one´s house, one´s loved ones, one´s friends, one´s social status. All of those things are still there, but they aren´t the thing that is defining you-what is defining you is only that next step.

I have found the Camino to be a wonderful training ground for the rest of my life. It seems to be full of opportunities to grow, to develop, to know oneself. It is an equally good opportunity to set boundaries with people you meet along the way.

Many people that I have met along the way I like very much; while others, quite frankly, pressed some button, or bothered me in some way. Defining who I am in these circumstances-what limits I want to have with others-is an exercise I am not terribly familiar with in my daily life.

I am, in general, a people pleaser. I take it personally when others are not happy, and even more personally when they are not happy with me.

Recently, a situation from home was conveyed to me in an email. The situation itself is not particualrly important-what is of more interest, is that I reacted to it, violently, and had a terrible panic attack.

This panic really surprised me, as I have been having less and less of this kind of response to stress-especially as I have been traveling in some very stressful situations.(Like, for example..on a chicken bus in Guatemala, at night; sick with Dengue fever in the middle of nowhere; bitten by a dog and having to give myself stitches as no hospital..and so on)

At any rate, the attack was so strong, I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so painful, and so all consuming.  I had to go back within myself and remember that I am learning how to deal with stress differently, that I get to decide how I am going to respond to any situation that comes my way. I had to go back and think about how I have learned to set some very clear boundaries while on the Camino itself. I had to breathe.

The panic attack ended.

In the past, I would have been very hard on myself that I had panicked-but instead, this time, I am grateful. It reminds me of how far I have come, and how much I owe all the people I have met along the Camino, for they have taught me many lessons and shown me that the Camino itself is a wonderful teacher. I have learned so much about myself in this short period of time; this daily walking and musing and thinking-and in the end, knowing.

The amazing thing about traveling in general(not just on the Camino, but any traveling), is that one has the chance, the amazing chance, to recreate onself. Real recreation.

In my old life (which I liked well enough, but…) I didn´t have this chance, this opportunity to really take my life as it actually was, and pluck out the parts that I wanted to keep, while tossing out the rest. There isn´t that choice in day to day life. When we change drastically, it upsets everyone. It upsets the balance. People have a need for sameness, even when it´s not healthy, or perhaps not practical.

Being on the road has taught me that I really do get to recreate myself, recreate my entire life-I literally get to decide what will happen next. Such freedom.

And the person I am recreating myself to be-she´s peaceful, and she´s free.

It´s wonderful. And I thank the Camino for helping see this possibility in myself.

gigi

Hey, I know…there are plenty of lists out there, telling you what to pack, and so on.

This is a different kind of list…

Top Ten Things Not To Bring On The Camino de Santiago:

1. The idea that you are going to be doing it alone. You are not. Be prepared for the challenge of a lifetime, as you will now be sharing your personal space-and the Camino itself-with hundreds of other people who think they are going to be doing it alone too.

2. A Timetable. Oh, my goodness. How many people have I seen wandering around the refuges in the evenings, fretting becasue they are running behind on their timetable. This applies mostly to people trying to do the whole thing, not one stage of the journey. I say, get done what you can and for once in your life, be content with the results.

3. A Competitive Attitude. Um..if this is you(and you know who you are), please don´t come do the Camino. Please. It´s great if you can walk 45 kilometers in one day, but..that´s not really the point here. I would suggest you try some mediation first and mellow out, then do the Camino.

4. A lack of Spanish skills. One thing my many new Spanish friends have told me is that they don´t understand why people come to their country and then don´t even speak a word of Spanish. Please, learn a few, just a few. You will find you have a better experience and that the Spanish people will warm up to you so much more. You may find yourself recieving invitations to do outragegeous things(as I have) which is so much more fun than actually walking and getting anywhere. Come to think of it, set aside a few days with the express purpose of getting nowhere at all. You´ll enjoy it tremendously, and, as an added plus, when you actually get somewhere, you´ll have good stories to tell at the pilgrim dinners.

5. A lack of mindfulness towards the environment. How many pilgrims have I seen, littering all over the place? Smoking and throwing their stubs on the ground? Eating and tossing the wrappers on the Camino itself? Hey, who is supposed to pick up all that trash, anyway?How many hundreds-no thousands-of plastic bottles litter the path? Perhaps you might consider picking up others peoples trash as you walk rather than adding to it. Just a thought.

6. Bad manners. Remember the words thankyou and please, and be gracious to everyone who helps you-especially at the refuges. Those people are working hard to help you have a wonderful Camino, the least you can do is thank them, fold up your blanket when you leave and wipe down the bathroom sink when you are done.

7. Modesty. Oh yes, you´ll be sharing your personal space with hundreds of other people, as I said. did I mention that also includes the bathroom? the shower? and guess what? As an added plus, most of the time, it´s coed-sometimes even with the added joy of open stalls. You also get to change your clothes in front of everyone, as everyone else is doing it too, and you´ll all pretend like you are not looking at the other person and that you are thinking about something else entirely. Practice at home first.

8. Small black bikini underwear. Guys, this one is for you. I have noticed a great number of men outfitted in these, hanging out in them-no, lounging in them, in the refuges. They seem to appear mid afternoon, and no pants appear to cover them up until dinner time. It is hard for me to talk to you if I am in the bottom bunk, and you are standing there with your parts scantily encased in a bit a of black fabric at my eyelevel. Please, take note.

9. A hankering for vegetables. Um, yes, well, good luck. It´s slim pickings on many parts of the Camino. The new magic word for you, the thing that will sustain you, is a called a bocadillo, and it´s sort of an enormous amount of bread paired with a few thin slices of ham or cheese. Unless you are very rich, in which case you will have a mini van meet you at each stop with a nice picnic lunch.

10. Judging people who take a tour or take  a bus harshly-including yourself. Hey, when did you get to decide what makes a Camino a Camino or not? In the rest of your life, you are a pretty easy going person, let´s not start getting all righteous(or self defeating) now. The fact is, it´s still a Camino, even when it´s by tourist bus or whatever. One woman actually apologized to me at Arroyo san Bol, as she got off the bus. ¨I´m not a real pilgrim¨, she said. ¨You´re not?¨, I said. Of course she was a real pilgrim. and, I found out later, she was on that bus because she was recovering from cancer. So think about what you say and how you judge others.

gigi