true life planet

¨I don´t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I do know: the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and have found how to serve.¨- Albert Schweitzer

I was very blessed at the start of my trip to take part in a book trade at one of refugios-I traded  a book about the lives of the Saints for a book on the life of Albert Schweitzer.

I´ve been lugging this book around with me, from refugio to refugio, up and down mountains, reading it in cafes and on park benches, for over a month. Although I had heard of him, I didn´t know much about him or his life before reading this particular book.

This book has changed my life. Why? I´m not quite sure, except to say that I feel that he is speaking to me thru this book-his life was one of devotion and service, of selflessness and real love. He was the sort of person that I aspire to be. He´s goodness.

I think the quote above is my favorite quote of his. He had much to say on the subject of service-that is, what it means to truly be of service to others. At the same time, he had an understanding of human nature-what we are up against in ourselves-to truly become a person of service in the world. He had some circumstances that forced him to confront himself -and, once he confronted himself, he was able to give up himself for the sake of humanity. He was able to be compassionate towards people who were cruel towards him, and he went beyond himself to do so.

I´ve been really confronted on the Camino by myself-by the self imposed limits I have put on myself. There are limits from society as well-such as one´s job, finances, relationships, family-but, if you think about it, these are all limits that we accept. We are a bit uncomfortable going against the grain.

I think one thing the Camino does(and I´ve mentioned this before) is it calls into question how we think about life and why we think the way we do. Being on the Camino..makes one realize that most limits are self imposed. We really can decide to do it differently, to play by different rules entirely. We buy into what our culture tells us-that this is the sort of life to strive for, that this is the definition of a romantic relationship, that this is what we really want.

Meanwhile, we are somewhat lost. We spend our entire lives in jobs we don´t like, working for a retirement we may not be able to enjoy. We neglect our dreams, we avoid looking at our own possibilities, at our dreams…not realizing it is possible to have the dream and happiness, too.

I´m thinking about things so much differently. There are many things , many dreams, that I wanted for my life when I was younger that I let fall by the wayside. I listened to my own fears, and also let myself be influenced by the fears of others. I  was too afraid to design my own life, to use and appreciate all the gifts God has given to me.

I started out my journey, knowing that it was going to be designed not solely around traveling from place to place, but around the concept of being free to lead a life of service and to be useful to others less fortunate than myself, thruout the entire world, for three years. I limited this time of service to three years! I think this is because I was fearful to truly devote my entire life to the service of others-it was much easier to compartmentalize in and say it was only for three years.

This fear, of the unknown, of the idea of truly giving one´s entire life, truly giving one´s own life up, is the thing that stops many people from becoming the great humanitarians they could be. Fear-it keeps us selfish and small-minded. At least, this is what it did to me.

Perhaps what I´m saying doesn´t ring true for you..but, according to Albert, this is the problem we are all confronted with-and it is the primary thing in the way of leading as life of service.

For some reason-perhaps it is the magic of the Camino-I´ve really been feeling as though my life is headed down a completely different path. I feel not only will the next few years of my life be about serving those less fortunate than myself-but that my entire life will be devoted to service. Many of the things that were keeping me from this life change were within myself-and many were outside of me.

Albert said that ¨¨We are afraid to truly be of service because we are afraid of suffering.¨

The truth in that statement is profound-think about it: we are afraid to be of service because we are afraid we will suffer. I think we are worried that if we don´t keep something for ourselves, we will be suffering. But one thing I have learned is that if we give away everything we think we need, we are able to fully recieve everything that comes our way. It´s us that gets in the way of ourselves. There is such freedom in letting go.

Once I am done with my trip around the world, I have made a commitment-a firm commitment-to devote myself to poor and needy people, for the rest of my life.

I can attest to the extreme satisfaction I have felt in letting go of whatever I have felt I needed, and letting God who needs those things, my talents, or my energies the most. Working with the Ngobe in Panama-a poor indigenous tribe- changed my life, and it was the beginning of this decision to have a life designed around the specific goal of service. The Camino has taken this experience, this seed that was planted, and taken a step further…to a place with no fears, but only the realization that helping others is the most satisfying expression of what is good in the world.

Here are some ways I have decided to help others in the world upon my return to the USA:

1. I´ve decided to start a truly eucumenical prayer group for women: everyone included, from Catholic to Buddhist to Jewish..to whatever…because it is this division between us that keeps us from God and in being compassionate for our fellow man(and woman!).

2. I´ve decided to continue doing some of the volunteer work I was doing before I left-most importantly, English lessons for illegal immigrants from Mexico.

3. I´ve decided to grow a very large garden and consume as little of packaged goods as possible, and educating people in the USA about how our consumer culture is having a drastic impact on the world´s resources.

4. I´ve decided to become a leader of a Girl scout troop.

5. I´ve decided to create a website on volunteerism-one that specifically addresses some of the problems one faces when volunteering, and how to find a good volunteer opportunity.

6. I´ve decided to start my own non profit organization, to specifically help the Ngobe of Panama(and perhaps other indigenous groups I meet along the way), and make this employment my primary employment.

7. I´ve decided to write a book on my trip around the world, with a focus on living  a life of service and the spiritual and life lessons I have learned.

8. I´ve decided to adopt a child, one with a disability, or who is a bit older, or not easily adoptable-because, after living with some of the poorest people in the world, and seeing the lack of opportunities for women and children(in particular children who have some kind of physical disability)-I can clearly see that this is way I can change not just one life, but the entire world. Many cultures in the world kill children that are not ¨perfect¨, due to the fact that it is not culturally acceptable. Western culture does the same thing-we have ¨throwaway¨culture, even when it comes to human beings. (I am specifically to the way we treat disabled people in our culture).

9. I have decided to live on less, and make a firm commitment to live a simple life, unencumbered by ¨stuff¨. You can´t take it with you-living out of a backpack for months on end has taught me that!

10. I am making a firm commitment to do whatever it takes to make the world a better place, to end poverty thruout the world, specifically: to improve the lives of poor woman and children thruout the world.

Well, I´d better get started..I´m going to be 40 in August, so I´ve only got 40 years left to get all that done!

Once again, I thank the Camino..the Camino, for me, has become a living, breathing thing that  has shown me a new way to live.

gigi

If anyone out there has suffered or suffers from panic attacks, you know how awful and all-consuming they can be.

For those of you who don´t suffer from them, count your blessings.

I myself have been suffering from panic attacks most of my life, since I was a teenager.

When I began my around-the-world trip back in October, I was at a point in my life when I was experiencing them almost daily. I would get them often because of stresses in my life, and the way I dealt with stress and stressful situations.

As I have been traveling, they have been happening less and less frequently. I still have stressful situations(probably more of them!) but the way I´m handling the stress is drastically changing. I find myself noticing what triggers them, and while I´m not avoiding these situations , I´m not inviting them to be a part of my journey either.

Being the Camino has a been a tremendous time of reflection for me. Without the distractions of one´s life, and all that that entails, one can actually take a break from the demands of others and oneself..and really examine one´s soul, what moves one, what one needs. There are not the distractions of one´s job, one´s house, one´s loved ones, one´s friends, one´s social status. All of those things are still there, but they aren´t the thing that is defining you-what is defining you is only that next step.

I have found the Camino to be a wonderful training ground for the rest of my life. It seems to be full of opportunities to grow, to develop, to know oneself. It is an equally good opportunity to set boundaries with people you meet along the way.

Many people that I have met along the way I like very much; while others, quite frankly, pressed some button, or bothered me in some way. Defining who I am in these circumstances-what limits I want to have with others-is an exercise I am not terribly familiar with in my daily life.

I am, in general, a people pleaser. I take it personally when others are not happy, and even more personally when they are not happy with me.

Recently, a situation from home was conveyed to me in an email. The situation itself is not particualrly important-what is of more interest, is that I reacted to it, violently, and had a terrible panic attack.

This panic really surprised me, as I have been having less and less of this kind of response to stress-especially as I have been traveling in some very stressful situations.(Like, for example..on a chicken bus in Guatemala, at night; sick with Dengue fever in the middle of nowhere; bitten by a dog and having to give myself stitches as no hospital..and so on)

At any rate, the attack was so strong, I thought I was having a heart attack. It was so painful, and so all consuming.  I had to go back within myself and remember that I am learning how to deal with stress differently, that I get to decide how I am going to respond to any situation that comes my way. I had to go back and think about how I have learned to set some very clear boundaries while on the Camino itself. I had to breathe.

The panic attack ended.

In the past, I would have been very hard on myself that I had panicked-but instead, this time, I am grateful. It reminds me of how far I have come, and how much I owe all the people I have met along the Camino, for they have taught me many lessons and shown me that the Camino itself is a wonderful teacher. I have learned so much about myself in this short period of time; this daily walking and musing and thinking-and in the end, knowing.

The amazing thing about traveling in general(not just on the Camino, but any traveling), is that one has the chance, the amazing chance, to recreate onself. Real recreation.

In my old life (which I liked well enough, but…) I didn´t have this chance, this opportunity to really take my life as it actually was, and pluck out the parts that I wanted to keep, while tossing out the rest. There isn´t that choice in day to day life. When we change drastically, it upsets everyone. It upsets the balance. People have a need for sameness, even when it´s not healthy, or perhaps not practical.

Being on the road has taught me that I really do get to recreate myself, recreate my entire life-I literally get to decide what will happen next. Such freedom.

And the person I am recreating myself to be-she´s peaceful, and she´s free.

It´s wonderful. And I thank the Camino for helping see this possibility in myself.

gigi

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Last off, I was spending a feverish night in the care of the folks at the Hospital de San Nicholas, a refuge that is run by the Italian Confraternity. In the morning, over big cups of steaming hot coffee and as ... [Continue reading this entry]

I arrived at the convent as soon as it opened, ate a few pastry, and waited to see what would be asked of me, I wondered. Would I have to scrub pots and pans? Perhaps more dishes loomed in my ... [Continue reading this entry]

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I showed up in Caseljeriz in the late afternnoon, and my ankle was needing a rest-a long one. I walked into the village knowing I would have to spend at least a two or three days there(am I on ... [Continue reading this entry]

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