Speeding Through
2 Sep
Deep within the jungle of my unconscious mind a long-limbed spider monkey swings from the rafters of a bamboo hut. Fueled by frustration she erratically sways from one beam to the next. Her fingers and tail powerfully grip the smooth bamboo poles. Her graceful movements tell a story. First soft and steady, syncopated rhythms resound. Without notice, she accelerates, becomes flailing, vicious, and violent. She embodies the chaos of the spinning swirling infinite abyss, hands feet and tail blindly reaching for anything solid, teeth bared, voice wavering between shrieking and screaming.
She realizes she isn’t alone. She focuses her frenzied assault. Open hands become fists, tail becomes a whip, feet become cannon balls. Every swing is a hold-your-breath-you-just-might-make-it… miss. Spinning round and round this round bamboo room, whirlpooling the air, unable to leave, unable to breathe. Her screams pierce the air. In time they are reduced to hoarse grumbles. The sheer effort is too much, she tires quickly. Her movements falter, she moves as if through jello, thoroughly exhausted. She finds stillness, cries, slumps into a pile of defeated furry limbs and tears.
This monkey isn’t real, you know. She’s just a figment of my dream-self. She embodies how I dealt with that heartache, I owe her my happiness. Up until she came to me in a dream, I had different ways of dealing with pain. I would curl in the kitchen cabinets when the monster was after me. I would spend all night running away, hiding away, unaware that there was another option.
My monkey spirit taught me well. She told me to speed through the hurt. Accelerate. Cry all the tears as they come, speak the words with the thoughts, move my body whenever and however it needed. Dance it out. Kick and scream, just like the toddlers do. Have a tantrum, fully exhaust myself, and then fully surrender. (Just like yoga class.) The calm after the storm was buzzing with awareness and new realizations.
Inner wisdom whispered her secrets during those quiet dewy mornings. Acceptance met my acquaintance, jealousy and fear left the building. I embraced the hurt, I accepted it, and I learned that speeding through the dark allows me to live in the light.
And in the light is where I plan to stay.
MRumianowski
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