Jerry Springer Show…
There’s a 2-year wait to get on the Oprah Winfrey show. So I went to see them film Jerry Springer.
Oprah gives dvd players, caviar, & monte cristo’s to her audience. Jerry gives beads.
Oprah’s set is sparkly & has luxurious soft sofa’s for Tom Cruise to do his thang on. Jerry’s place is made to look like a dirty warehouse.
But hey, an hour’s queueing has gotta be preferable to 2 years. Although I guess you could accomplish a fair bit in a two-year queue. You could read the whole of Lord of the Rings without getting distracted for starters. Going to the loo might present a slight problem, but I reckon Oprah’s on hand with perfumed paper bags. The woman thinks of everything.
So I manage to get a seat on the stair. The chairs go to the people who had the foresight to book ahead. And those called Claire. People called Claire always get given a chair. I know that don’t seem fair. But I swear I don’t care. So there I was sitting on the stair. Jerry comes in & does a few minutes stand-up comedy. He’s ok. You can tell he’s done the same shtick 1758 times before though. We (the audience) are then given the rules: Dont swear, cheer a lot, boo even more, dont swear, dont swear, pump your fist and chant “Jerry” whenever prompted by the dude in the headset at the side of the stage, and dont swear. The word “Titties” apparently counts as a swear word. We were instructed to use “boobs” or “breasts” instead. I have no idea who decides that “boobs” is more acceptable than “titties”. But I envy them their job no end. Long conference calls regarding the advisability of recommending to T.V stations that “schlong” is better than “dong” is an easy gig to be sure.
The 1st guest appears. She tells a complicated story which boils down to the fact that she (who will hereafter be called female F1) wants her husband (M1) back. The trouble is M1 is now with F2. And F2‘s ex M2 is currently dating F1. You following? of course this all leads to fisticuffs between F1 and F2 and then more fisticuffs between M1 and M2. The two M‘s also feel the need to take off their shirts while fighting. One could almost imagine that this whole spectacle was genuine were it not for the sounding of a boxing round bell which signals the participants to get stuck in. That, and the fact that when the lights go down and the cameras switch off – everybody suddenly feels a whole deal calmer. That, and the fact that I saw F1 and F2 hugging in the corridor after the show. That, and the fact that I then saw F1 being paid for her dramatics.
The second set of guests involved a guy who had cheated with the babysitter. Apparently he really liked her “titties”. She even showed them to the audience. What lucky, lucky people we were. When all the fighting was done, and the umpteenth commercial break had been made. (Jerry walks off. Jerry walks on) it was time for questions. We were instructed to boo bad questions and tell the bad questioner to “go to Oprah”. This we did. Most of the questions revolved around the fact that M1 had a tiny head and the guy who porked the babysitter had a silly beard and dodgy teeth. Then Jerry gave his “final thought”. This was basically that love is strange and unconscious. Again, this was the 1759th time.
So what can I conclude from my afternoon with Jerry? If there’s one thing, it’s this: The world actually has less ridiculously stupid, ugly & vain people in it than one might imagine. Coz if there were so many, they wouldn’t need to hire actors to come on Jerry Springer. Is that true? I have absolutely no idea. But Chicago sure is pretty. Great pizza too. Gonna go get me some.
Tags: Chicago, USA
The Dude
Oh Bucky…