Hiding from the world can't be done halfway. I feel... so drained, so low, post-Borneo, plus I am in a city I don't particularly like - KL. I hope Malaysian readers can forgive this, but KL's centre just doesn't do a lot for me.
I also feel a huge revulsion for being back in a dorm room.

Almost too parodied to be true conversations with two young German-Australian girls. They laughed at none of my jokes, which is of course their prerogative, but, the whole conversation was so much work I kept wondering, "why am I putting myself through this"? Sleeping in difficulty, someone will always want to get in late and someone else will want to get up early. In a noodle stall, which I have sort of adopted as my regular evening place, I get into a wearying conversation with an middle aged Australian and a young American. The Aussie gives us his global conspiracy theories and his tips for wise living - ten parts bullshit to one piece of admittedly interesting wisdom; the American guy can't understand any of his points, so just sits smiling and uttering pointless proverbs when he feels he can.

I don't feel like talking to anyone new at the moment. I am hiding from the world, mainly spending my time in an internet cafe playing a strategy game called Medieval Total War. I don't even have the energy to send emails - but, I have felt this way before on this trip, so think I just need a place where I don't have to be anyone for a while.

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Enough on the angst; there is a lovely development coming up. My parents are arriving in KL tomorrow evening! Will tell you more about them later, but, suffice to say I've missed them a huge amount. Looking forward to showing them around. A little nervous about how the three of us are going to get along - haven't had this kind of holidaying experience with my mum and dad for quite a while. But, above all, just very excited.

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My year anniversary of leaving England, a year and a day travelling, passed on the 20th of July. It feels like a long time to have been on the road. And I haven't stopped and worked in places the way I thought I would. My breaks from movement have turned out to be two or three weeks, rather than the one or two month bits of working I had been imagining before this all began.
I feel like I have seen and experienced an incredible amount, and part of me is desperate for this lifestyle to continue. I can afford to keep going for several more months, if I confine myself to Asia; but I am feeling that the end of this trip should be somewhat earlier than that (say, in a few more months time). After all those money worries - how ironic that my money should last longer than my appetite? Part of this feeling is that travelling is tiring, that I think one's capacity to be fascinated by new things can reach exhaustion. Part of it comes from feeling that a trip like this should have a purpose, or a spiritual aspect to it, and that includes working out when to stop doing it. Another part I'm sure comes from saying goodbye to all the people I had come to know and cherish in Kuching. I'm not sure I want to go through something like that again, or at least, not regularly. Aspects of a fixed existence - furniture, something to study or work at, friends, a girlfriend - I can sense these slowly growing in appeal.
I have been missing Louise a lot. It has been a long time since I was with her in Kunming - and memory is very imperfect. Some days, all I can remember is the way she speaks (my memory is strangely skilled at absorbing dialogue). A couple of nights ago, I found myself just staring at a photo I've got stored on an internet photo site (ofoto.com). It is of my birthday party in Kunming back in April - everyone sitting on the sofa, smiling at the camera. I found myself examining Louise's face, her right arm, her collar bone and neck (not because I'm a collar bone fetishist, just, the rest of her is obscured by the other people in the photo). It was an immensely sad moment, in the darkness of the internet bar, sitting alone. There's a blog I've come to really like, I came across this article of his that night, and it really helped me. I smiled, in the glow of the pc screen, and went back to the hostel a bit cheered up.

So, in conclusion, the plan at present is to spend the next week with my parents (yah!), fly to India with my friend Gari at the start of September (yah!), and just see how much longer the travelling feels good to me. Whether one month or three (or six) feels like the right amount, whatever I decide will be fine. Not going to set myself any requirements, we'll just take it slowly.

Daniel, 5 August 2004, in hiding