So I´ve been grappling with this dilemma for a while now, and I´ve finally decided to sit down and write something somewhat cohesive on the subject.

The dilemma is; I love traveling, but when I am, I sometimes despise myself for it.

I was in Cambodia a couple months ago, and I didn´t like the mass swarms of child and amputee beggars. Not because I they physically bothered me or I felt threatened or anything, but because I didn´t like what they stood for. I didn´t like the fact that they represented all the poverty and disparities between myself and the citizens of that country. I think there´s a part of me- no, I know there´s a part of me- that can´t morally be a tourist in these places of poverty. It feels too wrong. I feel like I should only be there if I´m helping in some way to change this horrible state of poverty- not exploiting it and its exchange rate and my ¨western¨ riches. That might be one reason I was able to cope with Thailand- I did a short stint volunteering there. But a short stint by no means makes it acceptable for me to, with a clear conscience, exploit the discrepancies- actually, that is too mild a term- exploit the giant gaping holes that exist between the haves and the have nots. That might have been part of the reason I ¨fled¨ to the west (I left and came to Spain)- my inability to cope with my conscience which was burning up from the explicit differences in my standard of living and everyone else´s in those countries. I couldn´t stand to be a ¨tourist¨ there.

But I know that tourism is a large part of their economy, so from that perspective I´m helping. For example, when I was in Thailand I went to the tsunami stricken area for a while after hearing that that area was desperate for tourism- and they were. I actually felt that by spending my western money there I was truly helping- and all the Thais there told me this. This is a positive example of tourism.

However, Cambodia was different. One day I was standing next to some food stands watching some kids play in the dirt, and there was this one little girl in particular who was incredibly cute. She stood in the dirt next to a stickily cow, with no shoes and no shirt on, and held her naked little brother in her arms. Both were dirty from head to toe, but all the time she was grinning from ear to ear and attempting to talk to me. I managed to ask her if I could take a picture of them, and she became so excited and tried to get her little brother to smile for me. Just then her mother came out, and said something to the extent of, ¨You like my kids? You take picture, you pay me.¨ Now, I realize that she was just trying to get by, but when people resort to exploiting their family just because they are so desperate they will take every opportunity they get- however disgusting and utterly depressing it seems- I begin to question my reasons for being there and if I am helping the situation. This, I believe, is not one of the positive points of tourism.

I know I´m not doing anything wrong. But morally, I don´t feel that way. The fact that the amount of possessions I´m carrying around on my back is worth more than many of them will make in a lifetime disgusts me, and the fact that I come here to impose upon their culture and country and to exploit the differences in our standards of living, and that I consider it my holiday, makes me literally physically ill.

So, how can I travel with a clear conscience?

Western countries are one thing- I don´t fell as bad here- the only reason I feel bad at all is because I spend so much damn money and I feel guilty about spending that much money solely for a ¨vacation¨. (Which is a whole other issue, and not the point here.) The point is, my conscience is shit. The areas that get my conscience the most are the less developed or ¨third world¨ countries- coincidentally the places I have the urge to travel to the most. Then I find that the whole time I´m there I´m experiencing an internal struggle and bounce between feelings of extreme guilt and moral peace. I´m not saying travel to these areas is bad or wrong, and I´m definitely not trying to sit on some high horse and come across as some judgmental self-righteous prick- insinuating that people who travel to lesser developed countries are morally void; this is just something I have to figure out for myself.

That being said, I wonder if this issue preoccupies anyone else. Does anyone else have an internal battle that they can´t come to terms with? For me, it´s the traveler versus the economist. I love travel and always will- it´s embedded in me in ways I cannot explain. Yet there is the political economist in me that says, ¨You know the ways your country finds to exploit these people. You know this money could be better spent helping them in some other way. You know the huge inequalities that exist between yourself and these people, and yet you call it a holiday. You say you want to help these countries and their people, yet you come here for vacation. What, exactly, are you doing here? ¨ So you may not need be an economist to feel that way, but those two people represent the two passions in my life- and the two major conflicts.

So, as of now, I have come to no conclusion. I do not know how to feel about this subject. I travel and then hate myself for it.