true life planet

Be patient with me, dear readers..I’ve decided to keep writing the blog, as I seemed to have worked my way thru some things that were blocking my way. I’m calling this series ” Epiphany”, and it’s got three parts: Confusion, Courage, and Compassion. These are straight from my journal entries…

So, life here has been pretty confusing. I’m sure most of my readers gathered this just from reading a few lines of any of the most recent blog entries.

Today was the most confusing day I have had, and one point I was walking around muttering to myself, “Which way is up? Which way is down? What is true? What is untrue?”. At any point, it would not have surprised me if I had fallen into a rabbithole, like Alice in Alice In Wonderland.

Truth be told, this state of confusion had been increasing daily since my arrival here a few weeks ago.

It wasn’t really a confusion about what I believe, it was more a confusion about what the Buddhists here believe. The farther I delved into it, and the more questions I asked, the less I seemed to know! This evening I find this funny somehow, sort of some Buddhist themed joke on me, but up until now, it didn’t seem funny at all.

In fact it seemed kind of scary here. After all, I’m living with 30 people who tell me they believe something, which is kind of unclear to me, and the only things I’ve had to go on are books( good, if I can understand them on my own); people’s behavior(as usual, as with all people, running the gamut from wonderfully good to really selfish and horrid); stuff I’ve found on the internet about this particular group(not especially encouraging); and my own common sense.

I was so confused by what people said-and what they ended up doing..that I fell into a state of utter confusion and depression. The only thing that was holding me together these last few days were emails from home and Jane Austen. That, and what with all those prayers going thru my head over and over, an inclination and desire to hum Beatles tunes and do my rosary more often.

Anyway, something I’ve noticed about life is that people never listen to their common sense, me included. I’m always hoping it will go away, and I sort of side step it and ignore it, in spite of the fact that it is usually right on the money. People don’t like their common sense telling them stuff they don’t want to hear.

Well, my common sense was telling me, from the moment I arrived here, that things were going to be alot different than anything I had expected. But I kept pressing on, moving forward resolutely, waving my banner of my expectations-and when my expectations didn’t get met, I had a meltdown.

But, the meltdown turned out to be a pretty good thing, becasue it’s in moments like these that I often have the most clarity.

I think I was in a state of confusion for a few reasons:

1. I’m living with people who believe something totally different than I do. “Yeah, so what?”, you may ask. “Weren’t you expecting that?”, you may ask as well.

Well, the answer is of course, yes, I was expecting that. But not the way it happened. It ends up its kind of a weird, isolating feeling-which is hard for a social butterfly like me who is always seeking agreement on some level. A new quandry: What if there is no agreement whatsoever?

2. I’m living with people who call themselves Buddhists, but do things quite a bit differently than all the other Buddhists in the world. ” Big deal. So what.”, you may say.

But hey, look at from my point of view. I’ve come all the way here to take a good look at Buddhism, to hopefully find some things out about it, and figure out a way to include their perspective in my world, when I find out..this groups perspective doesn’t match much I’ve read on Buddhism!

3. It’s not an open, ask questions anytime atmosphere here. It’s a little…repressed somehow. It’s just not done. Well, there are times you can do it, but it’s not general conversation. Enough said.

4. Reading the Gurus books has gotten me into trouble.

Having many questions about everything, I naturally was referred to the Gurus books, which I began reading with a searching mind. however, everything I discovered that he was saying, his instructions for life-it was alot different than what I was seeing and experiencing. Which leads back to this not being a place where you can ask whatever comes into your head. Because then you get these strange answers which seem to me to more justify negative behaviors than celebrate positive ones.

5. hey, there’s some pretty weird stuff out there online about this group. How do I deal with that? What does it all mean?

6. How do I deal with the strange stuff, while at the same time, be spending time with some of nicest people I’ve met in quite awhile? How can those two be compatible?

So, this crisis of confusion has literally been that: a crisis. I have kept at it, trying to work my way thru it, but it has worn me down, to the point that I was quite tired and overwhelmed. It’s really tough to be in the middle of something you don’t see good in much of the time and still be trying to see the good in it.

So, I stopped trying to see the good in it, and decided to leave this place. Why not? Thats’ what most people would do. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Yet, it doesn’t make sense on another level.

I realized today that maybe sometimes it’s good to not know what way is up, what way is down. It’s good to not not know what’s next, to not even have a clue.

Why? Because it makes you uncomfortable. And we hate being uncomfortable, we hate that kind of challenge. But out of being uncomfortable, alot of personal and spiritual growth can happen. And that’s whats been happening to me, in spite of the fact that I didn’t even know it was happening.

One of the goals of my trip was to find commonality with others-other people who had drastically different points of view.

So here I am, surrounded by people who seem to genuinely believe what they believe(and it’s a drastically different point of view, not just with me but with many people), and all I’ve wanted to do is…. leave. (Well, for the last week anyway.)

I’ve been utterly miserable.

It’s been more difficult here than it was living with the Ngobe and watching them mistreat dogs in the street.

Tonight I finally realized what a tremendous opportunity this is: it’s a real chance for me to do what I set out to do: find some commonality with others.

Most people never spend time with people who don’t generally agree with them about pretty much everything. We spend all of our time with people like us, who think like us, believe in the God we do, believe in the politics we do, and in general, make us feel right about everything. This makes us feel good. But, when we are around people who challenge all of that, they make us feel bad.

So, unbeknownst to me, clarity arrived, just in the nick of time-before I fell down that rabbit hole!

I’ve come to see that the time I’ve spent here, being utterly confused about what in the world is going on, what in the world is of importance, what are the priorities for this particular group of believers,… has turned out to be a real blessing.

It kind of streamlines in my mind what I am seeking for myself, for this trip, even for this experience where I am at this moment.

I could not have achieved that without lacking it first.

Funny how that works, isn’t it.

gigi

Next entry will be on courage-on having enough to stay here, in spite of differences, on overcoming fears, on gaining confidence, and speaking the truth with others.

Its been a few days since that last post I wrote about my reservations about this place…

The last few days I just tried to relax, as hardly anyone is here and I can take a few days off.

I realized the day I wrote that last post how exhausted I was-both physically and mentally.

When I first came here, I was a bit overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the place-as I think I have mentioned, its an English garden fantasy, complete with enormous old mansion, countless garden sheds, meandering paths, and overgrown orchards.

Once here for awhile though, I quickly got into the work groove, which is very scheduled and they seem to have extremely high expectations. Everyone seems kind of stressed out at all they have to do, and even if they don’t express this feeling directly, it of course gets expressed indirectly. Even the day we were supposed to go to the Festival, I had a list of to dos from two people I had to do, and then they told us that we would be working until the last minute as well, housekeeping. The word “no” doesn’t seem to be used alot around here.

I realize now that I arrived at the Festival in somewhat tired and downtrodden state of mind and not with alot of physical energy. Once there, it was one thing after another-meditations, explanations, preparations, volunteering at this or that…there really wasn’t time for much thinking or resting. Perhaps that is how it is designed to be, as if one is exhausted, there’s not alot of time for reflection. You sort of go on automatic.

Coming back here was a relief, and I expected it to be restful. However, many of the residents hadn’t done their chores before leaving and the bathrooms and trash and kitchens had to be done.

Yesterday, I was so tired in the morning when I awoke that I thought I hadn’t sleep at all. I ended up taking the day off and slept thru the entire day and night, with a few tea breaks thrown in.

I awoke feeling better, but decided to take today off as well and start working in the garden again tomarrow. I’ve just been puttering about, doing my laundry and taking care of myself. A little self care goes a long way when you are traveling!

My thoughts on this place remain the same-although I can see clearly that there are some very nice and kind well-meaning people involved here, they perhaps do not have good understanding of the Buddhist way of being in the world. They do not seem to understand what they are agreeing to, and often people just repeat the same little phrases or stories to me.

The general atmosphere of some stress , poor social skills, and isolation seems to have many root causes within the framework of belief here. People seem to use the framework of the Gurus teachings to make excuses for behavior that is not positive.

There are however, some very sweet, genuine people who seem to be trying hard to be good people and practice compassion and ethical behavior.

I have been reading the Gurus main text, and although things are explained quite succinctly, I don’t see an awful lot of examples of people on the way to enlightenment as he explains it. Some people have alot of baggage and seem to be trying to work stuff out. I suppose we are all doing this, no matter what we believe, but a little patience and consideration goes a long way.

I am trying to practice compassion, as I define it, by doing works of mercy here. there are several very lonely people here, and just listening to them and eating a meal with them goes a long way to help them not feel so alone.

One thing that I am thinking about is what has happened to western culture, that people are so lost, so overwhelmed by all that is expected of them..that they literally don’t know where to turn. People are exhausted from trying to just stay employed and have their families, keep a roof over their head and food on the table. So many people seem to be just maintaining, just surviving-not thriving.

People in Wsetern cultures need as much help, as much compassion and acts of service as people from poor countries-yet, it’s so much harder to give it to 1st world folks. Why is this?

I have applied to the Catholic worker House in London, a radical catholic-teaching based group who has a shelter and soup kitchen in the city. (Radical in the sense that it is really committed to peace and justice issues and helping the poor and disadvantaged in the fringes of society)Hopefully I will be accepted to go there for a week.

If I get accepted to help out, this would greatly improve my outlook on England, which at the moment is rainy, dreary, and strange.

I’ll keep you all posted…

gigi

I sit here late at night on the computer in one of the kitchens, trying to sort my thoughts and doing a very poor job of it.

I returned from the festival just a few days ago, saw the Guru, heard what he had to say..and managed to return here in one piece. The  experience of going to the event, surrounded by thousands of people whjo only talked about pretty much the Guru, his teachings, and so on was extraordinary. I’ve never been to anything like that in my life.

In spite of the fact that the people in attendence were of every kind and every age, color, and background, they all seemed to have something in common.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, except to say it has left me with a distinctly uncomfortable impression.

There is something a little bit Stepford Wives about it all , and this in spite of the fact that I met some very nice people.

But I suppose Stepford wives would be very nice, wouldn’t they?

This caused me to come home and do some research on exactly where I am and who I am actually learning Buddhism from. What I discovered has not calmed me-in fact, it has me extremely aware that I am in a place that is not exactly what it seems.

Here is what I discovered(well, actually, this is just a taste of it!):

There are 3 large ” New Religious Movements” in Britain at the moment, and all three of them are claiming to be Buddhist. Each of three groups is quite large, with many folowers, owning large amounts of property and recruiting new members. Each group has a charismatic leader who is the authority and only their texts can be read. These groups run from casual to cult like. The leaders of the groups are Westerners, with a Asian Frontman(or frontwoman).

All 3 of the groups are not included on any official Buddhist roster-in fact, all three groups are causing many problems for Buddhists in the world. They each have their own specific brand of Buddhism, and they don’t allow for disagreement. I may be getting some good basic teachings about Buddhism, but after that, it all gets a bit screwed up.

You can look up the types of groups I am talking about by doing a little research on your own, on new Buddhist groups or new religious movements in Britain and Western countries. I would prefer not to mention their name here as I have come to understand they have links to such things and then would discover what I am writing.

The place I am would definitely not like it if they thought I was writing about them-especially anything negative. They have been known to cause a great deal of problems for people who do so.

I am some what ill at ease after talking to some people on line to with who left the particular group of ” Buddhists” I am currently living with. Based on my conversations with them, I have decided to not write the blog.

I will go back to writing the blog after leaving this place-which may be soon, or maybe not.

I will write my journal entries out and post them on the blog when I leave here.

In the meantime, I will make my own observations, and decide myself whether or not I think it is a cult, or whether its just a bunch of idealistic people with a few nuts thrown in.

It is somewhat interesting, to look at a group and need to decide is it a cult? Or is it not a cult? Such things are sometimes based on arbitrary things, sometimes not.

At the moment, I believe that it is. It requires its members to do many things which would lead me to believe that it is a cult, in spite of being made up of perfectly nice people.

I have met many people that I have liked here and I do not want to harm them with my words-I am accutely concious of this responsibility at this time. That is why it is important to think this over carefully and responsibly.

I do not feel as thought I am in any danger or anything like that-mentally there has been some strain, but I have found my own faith to be especially profound here, and of great comfort. I am also somewhat relieved that the Buddhism here is not neccessarily the Buddhism teaching I will find elsewhere, and look forward to learning more about it somewhere else along the trip.

There is much work to be done here, and I am busy from morning to night, and enjoying this aspect of things very much. The work is very rewarding, and I love what I am doing. For example, I did housekeeping for the last two days, and its such a vast place, I got quite  workout!

I have also had the opportunity to befriend several people here, who are not part of the group, but just visiting like me..and I have found that I can practice being of service to them by being a true friend, which has been a real unexpected pleasure.

So in the meantime, perhaps I will just be thinking why does this appeal so much to us Westerners, this organized type of group? What is it about our culture that gets us all wrapped up in Gurus and so on?

I wil be checking in from time to time, at least once weekly, so no worries, I will keep you all posted.

(I am sorry about the blog, though, as I’ve been missing it alot-I just can’t see writing entries about what I ate for dinner or funny little stories when I’ve got this larger story looming in the background. it just wouldn’t be right or make much sense.)

Until then, take care, as I will be thinking of you all.

Love

gigi

So I’ve been here for two weeks and as yet, been unable to write a single entry about this place or this experience.

Why?

Well, quite frankly, some of it has not been particularly enjoyable. I am at a loss as to how to communicate this well without somehow damaging the name of the particular sect of Buddhists I am living with.

This is certainly a new challenge.

Everyday, I wake up, thinking, today I will be able to write about what I am experiencing..and everyday..I don’t end up writing anything. On the blog anyway.

It’s not like every single aspect of daily life here is terrible-far from it. But there is an awful lot going on here that makes no sense in regards to volunteering here. I also have been allowing myself to get as deep into Buddhism as my poor tiny mind will allow(which isn’t much!) and I have impressions about that as well which are not all favorable.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the only choice I have is to go thru the blog and take out any specifics about the name of the sect of Buddhists and also where exactly I am. Keep a sense of mystery, you know? And free me up so that I can write about what it’s really like, day to day here.

So I’ll be writing you all from…”somewhere in the middle of England”, I suppose!

Tomarrow I am leaving this place, along with everyone else, to head to a big gathering they are having..they call it a festival, but what it actually is a a chance to hear their Spiritual Guide, or Guru.

I am interested in what he has to say, as I have read a few of his books since being here, and they were somewhat interesting. However, the thought of being in a crowd of thousands doesn’t thrill me. I am interested in seeing how the Buddhists are in crowds…will they push and shove? Or will everyone be polite and considerate, even if it means missing the chance to get up close to their Guru?

As accomodation is quite expensive and full anyway, I’m camping. Someone has given me a tent and a sleeping bag, and hopefully I will remember how to put up a tent from a past life. It is supposed to rain the whole time, so having never camped in the rain with hundreds of people I do not know, I am looking forward to the adventure.

In general life here is very ordered, with a set schedule for certain things, and things pretty much stay to that schedule. I’m enjoying the actual work and being able to lend a hand in cleaning up the grounds, which is an awesome task.

What I haven’t neccessary enjoyed are the methods of communication, the seeming lack of social skills, and the management style. Sometimes the way they do things makes me feel small and worried, and that turns into negative thinking.

One thing I have learned form my travels so far is that when you are in a situation that is challenging you, questioning your sense of place or self, I tend to actually discover that I know myself much better than I thought I did. Somehow I always rise to the occassion, even if I don’t want to. But here, I am having trouble with being who I am, which is a generally cheerful, look on the sunny side of life person.

Another thing I am struggling with is Buddhism in general. Buddhists believe in karma-and not some top 40, pick and choose when you want to believe in karma mindset-but, rather, an all pervading, daily, hourly, sense of karma. So the nice part is that they are very nice to bugs, apologizing and praying over one if they kill one by accident(which is all the time)…but the downside is that they believe people are born in to the lives they have, and that some people suffer horribly because it is their karma.

Downside to this point of view? Well, they believe that there is nothing we can do to end human suffering. We can’t give hungry people food, end torture, rescue animals even…because it is that creatures karma to suffer. Well, we can do those things to gain merit, but not to end suffering.

How awful. Particularly for me, because my trip around the world is all about ending suffering, at least on a small scale. But basically my trip makes no sense from the Buddhist point of view, except that I may gather up some merit, which is kind of like brownie points for the next life.If I’ve got enough merit from this life I’m in, I may be able to get a better life in the next life-like I could end up being a lower life form, like a worm, but then in the golden hour, my merit will be measured, and I’ll get to be a nice fat housecat instead.

The result of this belief is that Buddhists believe that the only way to end suffering is to become enlightened beings themselves, which is a somewhat lengthy process of offerings, prostrtations, and meditations, as well as following a series of strict rules for a holy life. So this keeps the focus very inward. (Although I should say that they do pray for world peace and so on, and they do request help for suffering people in their meditations). For them, its all about refining their mind, mind being something kind of specific and obscure at the same time-something that stays with us, from life to life we have(even when reborn as a slug, for example), but this mind isn’t seen.

The mind isn’t like the soul-it’s more of an intellectual concept than anything else.

The only way to get in touch with your mind is to meditate. That’s it. And, to get in touch with your mind for more than a millisecond requires intense concentration and constant practice-and that is even to glimpse it very briefly.

So I’ve been trying out meditation classes and so on when they have been offered. I have yet to see any such mind, but I will tell you that from the few times I have tried to meditate, I can’t believe how many thoughts I have that come out of nowhere and fill up my head! It’s amazing I get anything done at all. Of course, they say it’s like that for anyone, but still-what a shock , all of those random thoughts floating around up there going nowhere.

I’m out of time, have to finish up….

So, I’m off to work in the garden and then today I have to make lunch for everyone.

They asked me what I would need to make lunch and I said, ” Vegetables. Fruits. Thats it.”

And they said, ” Where’s your carb?”

Yes. Where is it? I wasn’t planning on making one, since we have eaten enough carbs here in the last several days to last a lifetime. ( In spite of it being a vegetarian place, it’s a English vegetarian place! Heavy on the dumplings, bread, and so on..) I’ve given in and decided to make baked potatoes.

So thats all the excitement going on here today.

On another subject entirely, looks like I may get a chance to go to P. New Guinea for some volunteering towards the end of the trip. Any thoughts out there on P. New Guinea? I was reading how dangerous it is there, so thoughts of yours would be welcome.

Gigi

Dear readers,

I am sorry to say that I have neglected this blog for a bit too long. Part of this was due to just needing a break (having become a bit of a blog slave!), and part of this was just too..sort of losing my momentum regarding writing in general.

However, the blog is back!

General Updates:

The photos from the Camino de Santiago should be up any day now. I’m afraid some of you will find them a bit dull, as its lots of pictures of the Camino itself and old crumbling houses and green scenery. But for those of you who who have the desire to do the Camino someday yourself, the photos will give you a pretty good idea of what you are in for.

After the Camino, I met up with my boyfriend in Spain and we toured around for a bit.

Unfortunately I was robbed in Madrid( me, and apparently everyone else) of passport and money and so on, and so that colored the start of my vacation with him a bit. Although I liked the Prado and spent several days there, I was not big fan of Madrid-and not just because I was robbed. It seemed very flashy and ..somewhat seedy.

We headed for the city of Palencia after that, which was beautiful, safe, and walkable-full of old city squares and a very beautiful Cathedral. We were really the only tourists in the cathedral, and the guide took a liking to us, so we got an extended all day tour.

After Palencia, we headed back to an area I had walked thru on the Camino de Santiago and had a fondness for- Castrojeriz.

You may recall that it was in this small village I ate pastry, wandered around all day, met some lovely nuns, and in general had my peak experiences on my Camino. So we returned there and ended up spending just short of a week there, doing many of the same things I had done before.

We also walked up to the castle ruins , which overlook the city (spectacular-but don’t look down, unless you want to get some serious vertigo!) , walked tp the ruins of the San Anton Convent outside of town, and made some new friends.

After Castrojeriz, we headed to Santo Domingo de Silo, to hear some monks sing Gregorian chant. The monks there are famous for their singing, and it was worth the trip.

We stayed at this strange hotel run by a very odd family. The wife in particular was very memorable-she was very friendly and yet disagreeable at the same time, if such a thing is possible. She wore flowered dresses, sat in the bar blowing her nose, watching game shows and eating piles of buttered toast. She seemed to begin drinking wine very early in the day…

Santo Domigo de Silos also had a festival going on while we were there, devoted to Mary of the Market, their patron. The main feature of the festival seemed to be all the children of the village, who were marching and dancing backwards up the road to the church several times a day to the sound of a few simple instruments. In spite of the fact that they were small children, they repeated this dance thruout the day for two days, at regular intervals. The children were decked out in frocks (even the boys) with ribbons and white lacy pants underneath. The dancing was at first pretty cool, but after a few days of it I have to admit, I shut the window to block out the music, whose same tune over and over had begun to get on my nerves!

We ended up in Burgos after that-and spent an entire day looking at the famous Cathedral there. Do you think we were getting Cathedral overload by that point? Why yes, we were. It was getting to the point (particularly for me, because I’d just spent weeks walking from Cathedral to Cathedral!) that I couldn’t even think of going into another church… I was so overloaded on religious art.

Burgos, and its inhabitants(particularly women) seemd born to shop. Shopping in fact, seemed to be the main pastime of the residents, other than smoking, drinking coffee, and walking aound visitng tapas places. I am being serious here when I say that Burgos people literally seem to shop all day long, and have their own sense of style that seems different than other areas of Spain, sort of lots of patterns and little suits and every woman wears heels, and is, of course, accompanied by shopping bags.

Burgos also had a big yearly festival going on while we were there.

Actually, it seemed to be festival time no matter where we were in Spain during those three weeks..

But their festival had these enormous plastic and paper people walking around, operated by these guys who had to get inside of them. It was quite interesting to watch them parade around. Unfortuantely, the festivals also seem to be accompanied by loud parties in the streets until all hours, so I’m afraid we did not sleep well while in Burgos!

After Burgos, we headed for another area entirely-The city of Taragona, which is near Barcelona. We went to see the Roman ruins, and ended up being surprised by how much we enjoyed the city’s relaxed, mediteranean vibe-us, and tons of other tourists who had obviously come for exactly the same thing.

The Roman ruins were really amazing-what was most interesting to me was how they were just sort of wedged in here and there, amongst apartment buildings and people hanging their laundry. Inside, they were creepy and dark, and surprisingly in very good condition. Some of them were in such good condition that they were used as prisons in Spain until quite recently!

We ended our time in Spain with a few days in Barcelona, which has to be the most worthwhile city in Spain to visit. It has a great relaxed vibe, and feels like Spain, but is more..international in flavor. We stayed in a beautiful place, ate some delicious food, and spent our last few days in the country looking at Gaudi.

Gaudi was a a rather strange guy who created some very interesting buildings and public areas in Spain-the best of which are in Barcelona.

It’s a bit difficult to describe his work, except to say when you look at it, your immediate reaction is somewhat incredulous, as it’s so many different textures and materials all it once it’s hard to believe someone imagined it at all, let alone figured out how to build it. His buildings are…organic..sort of dripping, melting, fluid creations of stone, cement and mosaic.

We spent one day looking at the Sagrada Familia, his enormous Cathedral. It was started but never completed, and work continues to this day. In fact, going there, you don’t feel like you are in a church, but rather a huge construction site, a craftsmans workshop, a sculpters studio…walking into it, the entire center area is filled to the brim with workmen and scaffolding and mold makers and so on. Of course the down side is that it is also filled with tourists and vending machines-I wonder what Gaudi would have thought of that.

The Park Guell is another Gaudi creation we spent some time at. A enormous park overlooking the city, it too was never finished due to a lack of money? interest? and so on..the last work done on it by Gaudi was in 1915. Yet, in spite of this, it is a breathtaking park, full of his typical dripping, fluid, otherworldly stone and cement creations. Some areas feel quite church like, in fact.

The mosaics there are really spectacular-and being a mosaic artist myself, it’s like going to a holy site of something like that! I had seen the mosaics there in pictures, but nothing really does it justice in a photo-you just can’t get the effect, the scale of it, and the organic quality of it until you see it in person.

Unfortunately, people actually were sitting all over the sculptures and getting in the way of really being able to see them the way they were meant to be seen. In fact, there were so many tourists there that it was incredible..lots of school outings, lots of teenagers, lots of tour groups…if I hadn’t been looking at Gaudi, it wouldn’t have been all that enjoyable!

In Barcelona, my boyfriend and I said a tearful and hearftfelt goodbye. For now, anyway. As the trip continues on, I know we will meet up somewhere else along the way. Still, it is hard, saying goodbye until then. It may be some time before we are able to see each other again , and I think we were both really aware of that fact on that last morning together. yet, I think we both think the trip is a good thing. The fact is, it’s just something I have to do, in spite of the fact that it makes some things in life really challenging.

From Barcelona, I flew to London, where I barely got into the country! Apparently England is a strange country about who they let in and who they don’t-strange in the sense that they are very picky with alot of rules. So I remained in customs for 2 hours while they debated my fate.

It all had something to do with my destination, as I had told them I was going on a spiritual retreat to this Buddhist monastery, and then they asked me if I would be doing any work there, and I said (albiet, somewhat stupidly) yes. I didn’t eloborate too much, just siad I might do a bit of gardening or something, but this put them into a panic and they began considering me in a different light.

Finally, they let me in, as I had them look up that I had a ticket out of the country on September 3rd, so I would be on my way soon enough, thank you very much!

I was let go with the following specific instructions, ” That it will overlooked , any volunteer work that I undertake, at said monastery, due to it being a spiritual retreat. However, they will be keeping an eye on me, and looking out for any possibility that I might take up volunteer work elsewhere. Additionally, I am absolutely forbidden to volunteer anywhere else at any time in the country, and if this is discovered, I will be deported immediately.”

I actually have a document that says all that. How ridiculous. So even if someone needs something, I can’t help them, at all. What is the world coming to?

Leaving London..is not easy. Getting to the monastery..even harder. Luckiliy for me, English men are the nicest, sweetest men I have ever met, everyone of them a gentleman, and excellent with giving directions, as well as insistent on waiting around for your train and then making sure you are well situated, with another person to help you along. I think this happened to me at least 3 or 4 times on my way to Derby, so that by the time I had arrived in Derby, I had no ill will or resentment lingering from the grumpy and difficult officers in the airport, and had instead decided that they were an exception and that English people in general are the nicest people in the entire world!

Arrival at the monastery was strange-I ended up taking a taxi there, and when I got out and went in thru the front door, there was no one around, so I sat around for awhile. It turned out everyone was in some sort of meditation retreat, and I finally found someone who directed me to my room upstairs, where I went and promptly feel asleep until the next morning.

I’ve been here now for a week.

My feelings for the place have changed day by day. Sometimes I like it very much, other times I feel like its too remote. I actually haven’t even left the grounds(it’s 38 acres) yet, and there is only a small village nearby, so there is not much reason to go anywhere.

My first few days I did alot of differnt jobs, from toilet cleaning to furniture moving..but now things have taken a differnt turn and I am assigned the front garden for the entire length of my stay!

As I am a gardener, this is delight.

Let me say also that the grounds here are spectacular, the things of dreams. For a person who loves to garden, to be able to be here working on these gardens is simply amazing, as much of the plantings are quite old, and one gets to work with alot of classic plants like peonies and so on.

However, none of the residents here garden. In fact, they have not had a gardener for more than 5 years. This means that the gardens that are such a delight are overgrown and overrun with weeds and alot of invasive plants. Whole sections have to be dug up and replanted. Althougth the classic English garden looks simple, in truth, it’s not. It’s a lot of work to get it to look that way.

So, my job is to get it beautiful again, which is very exciting, and I am finding this particular job to be very interesting and rewarding. And-certainly very different than anything else I have done so far! I definitely feel like it is meeting the purpose of the trip, to be of service, as since the people here have no gardening experience, they need someone here to take care of things rather desperately.

I also have been to a course on Buddhism, since my arrival happened to be around the same time as a weekend long course on the subject. I am surprised about what I have learned so far, and it seems to be much different in practice than what I assumed it to be in the past. Perhaps this is because in the USA , we have many people who say they are Buddhist, but they aren’t really practioners-they just like certain ideas perhaps, and leave the rest. I’ve also been learning how many types of Buddhism there are-there are loads!

I am stuggling with the English accents, as depending on where a person is from, their accent can sometimes be quite broad, or can turn into sort of a mumble. There are a few people who can’t understand me, either. I truly do feel like I am in a foreign land!

Tea drinking is an important custom that happens thruout the day, and every few hours, no matter what you are doing, you stop and have a cup of tea. tea making is a fine art, and I of course, got it all wrong from the start, but I think I am getting the hang of it. People here take their tea extremely seriously-but coffee just seems to be an afterthought… too bad, as I am a coffee drinker.  I’m trying to get into  the tea-thing, and who knows, I may develop an obsession for it myself.

As for how to treat writing about this place, the beliefs the people hold here, and the experience in general, I’ve been debating about this all week. I’ve finally decided to treat the whole thing in the same manner I treated the Ngobe in Panama-write from the perspective of someone living with a strange tribe, with strange and new customs.

It’s pretty much true, isn’t it? I mean, the language is different, the custioms are different, the religion is different, the food is different, the attitudes towards everything..all different.

So, thats it for now. Today is my first day off from this place, so I’m going to go to a nearby town and try to find some secondhand shops to buy some work clothes for the garden and go try some English food and a pint of something or other…

gigi

Hello Dear Readers,

I will be taking a vacation from the blog for the next 3 weeks. I know, I know, you are dying to hear about my adventures in the coming weeks, but I have decided that if this time with my boyfriend is going to be a real vacation, then that means a vacation from the blog as well.

Tonight I´m taking the night train to Madrid in time to meet him in the morning, and then we´ll be traveling around Spain and Morocco for the next few weeks. I´ll be flying out of Barcelona on July 9th into London, and making my way to the next volunteer position.

The next time I write, it will be from a buddhist monastery in Etwall.

Until then,

gigi

I finally made it to Santiago yesterday morning.

How in the world did you do that?, you may ask..as my last blog entry had me taking it slow and easy….

Well, I can´t say what came over me..perhaps it was getting tiring to go to refuge after refuge; perhaps it was that Santiago was so close; perhpas it was insanity. I can´t say-it probably was a combination of all three things!

Last off I was in Arzua, having only managed a measly 3 kilometers before pooping out.

That night in Arzua, I ran into the Englishman and Australian woman I had started out with on my very first day. We shared an interesting meal of squid cooked in it´s own ink. Remember awhile back when I was offered wasp larvae in Panama? Well, I´m beginning to realize people all over the world eat gross looking stuff. Actually it was pretty tasty. Better than the wasp larvae..

Anyway, it was great to see them, hear about their camino, and just enjoy their delightful company.

I drank so much wine and ate so much food I slept peacefully-plus, for once, no snorers near me-and I awoke in the morning bright and early feeling positive and energetic. I started out that morning at a good pace, and covered 20 kilometer by noon. I could have stopped..but, something kept me going.

That something was named Marco-a Brazilian man who encouraged me to keep going. I decided I could do it-I would walk to Mount Joy. That would be a 40 kilometer day, but I would be able to see Santiago for the first time(ergo the name of the place, Mount Joy).

So, I kept going…and going..and going. Most of the other people along the camino had stopped for the day by one or two o´clock, but I kept pushing onwards, fueled on by insanity. At about 30 kilometers, I thought I was done for-the sun was burning bright and it was blazing hot, for once-and it was exhausting. I was sitting by the side of the road (or maybe I was actually lying by the side of the road) when a German cyclist stopped and talked with me for awhile. Somehow he said the words I needed to hear , and I kept going all the way to Mount Joy. It ended up being a forty kilometer day-the most I´ve ever walked.

I walked-or rather limped-into Mount Joy. A boisterous Italian man came up to me and congratulated me on making it, and I burst into tears and hugged him. I could not stop crying for over an hour. Even when I was in line to get a bed at the refuge, I was in tears. Part of this was from pain, but part of it was just to have made it.

Once I got a bed, I got into it and stayed there for about 10 hours. My legs did not want to follow any commands whatsoever. They were exhausted. My mind, too, was overwhelmed, at all I had been thru in the last month and at being able to finally be so close to Santiago. You don´t really realize how much it is going to affect you until you are close to it. It seems to take everyone by surprise, and people are all very emotional.

The next morning, I got up early and walked the 7 kilometers into Santiago. I arrived there in the square by the Cathedral just as a group of horsemen from Portugal were arriving-they had riden their horse from Portugal to Santiago. The square was foggy, the horses were white, the men dressed in folkloric costumes from Portugal. It looked like a scene from a fairy tale. There were only a few other pilgrims milling about and the tourist stalls were just starting to set everything up.

Climbing the stairs to go into the awesome Cathedral was overwhelming-physically painful but also just so emotional for me. I have gone thru so much on this walk  and feel drastically different than when I began. I feel like I left myself behind on the camino and I was walking into the Cathedral as  a brand new human being, changed.

Once in the Cathedral I sank to my knees. Not only is it spectacular(language doesn´t do the place justice, so no words suffice) but the energy in the place is intense-it is full of pilgrims from all over the world, who have traveled long distance to be there. There are reunions happening right and left, people are joyful and people are crying and one has the sense that yopu are taking a part in an enormous miracle. I felt like I stopped breathing and everything was in slow motion, I was just on my knees in the pew and just overwhelmed with everything but peaceful at the same time.

A nun began to sing the most beautiful music I have ever heard. People were still and just listened.

The priest went thru the mass, and when it was time to take communion, I went up and took it. It was the most intense communion I have ever had, one is just so grateful and happy and joyful all at once. You are just everything all at once.

I´ve been here in Santiago for a few days now, letting my ankles heal and taking it easy. I went to go get my Compostella and was overwhelmed by the experience-once you´ve stopped walking day in and day out, you begin to realize what you have been thru in the last month and it begins to sink in.

It´s like a miracle, a miraculous undertaking, something you realize when you are finished that you could have never done alone.

This realization in itself is miraculous enough, but then it just keeps coming, one miracle after another, and you realize your camino has only just begun.

I feel so changed, so drastically different from having walked the camino. I feel as though I know myself so much better, and know God better, and know humanity better.

It changes you. The camino changes everything, turns everything you thought you knew upsidedown and when you are done, you see everything differently.

Travel changes you, too. Just the act of travel changes you.

When I went home briefly after being in Central America (just before coming to Spain) I was telling someone in my life how I really had changed so much from the experience of being in Central America for months working with the very poor.

¨No, you haven´t changed.¨, they said. ¨You´re the same.¨

Really.

I marvelled that someone would tell me that I was no different when they were not me. But one thing I realize from being on the camino is that changing is a part of traveling-it is impossible not to change (albiet, somewhat drastically) when confronting the best and worst of oneself-not to mention the best and worst of humanity, day after day. 

And I am changed. I am changed just by walking.

I invite you to consider changing your own life-changing some part of yourself you thought was impossible, or changing something about yourself simply by being merciful to yourself.

Practice mercy with yourself.

Walk your way into love and well being and being the person you actually are-and walk away from other´s expectations, other´s interpretations, and so on. We live in a culture of others-where others decide for us how we are to be, what our dreams are, and  so on.

Once you´ve started doing this, start inviting those others back into your life. Hear their struggles and help move them as well, to a life which they have only dreamed of and where they learn to be merciful towards themselves.

If I take anything away from the camino, it is that I will from this point onward, I will have the life that I dreamt of when I was small, a life entirely focused on being a humanitarian, focused on a life of service.

 I invite you to walk towards whatever dreams you may have had long ago. They are possible-everything is within reach.

¨Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Everyday I walk myself into a state of wellbeing and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. ¨ -Soren Kierkegaard

And buen camino, to those of you out there who are about to undertake what will no doubt be one of the most intense and astonishing periods of personal and spiritual growth in your life.

gigi

A short,  basic update: 

I´ve made as far as Arzua, and am basically taking a rest day before the big day tomarrow of  18.5 kilometers to Pedrouzo. …(Well, at this point, that is a big day for me!

My ankles are not happy, the tendonitis in the right leg is worse, and the ankle that was sprained is still suffering. The good news is that since my stuff was stolen, my bag is a lot lighter, so that is helping alot!

So I´m slowing down today, and I only walked a mere 3 kilometers!

However, I am somewhat glad, as everyone seems to be trying to make it to Santiago on Sunday..and I won´t be there until Monday!

I´ve spent the last week or so just thinking and walking and enjoying what is the end of a spectacular experience.

There are many , many other people that are injured and are doing the same. We are all just taking our time and eating bread and cheese and drinking lots of coffee at sidewalk cafes. You´d think we would be feeling sorry for ourselves-but instead, everyone is making the best of it and learning something from their injuries. It´s a very pleasant group of people that keep crossing my path, and I feel glad to be injured and have the chance to not rush and actually get to know some people walking along with me.

I´ve also been thinking alot about what is coming up for me:

I´ll be meeting my boyfriend in Madrid to look at art and the sights on the 19th of June, and then we´ll be looking at the Alhambra down South. Then (and I´m very excited about this!) we´re going to go to Morocco for a bit, and then head back up into Spain for Barcelona, to spend a few days with Gaudi. As I am a mosaic artist, I´m really excited to go to many of these destinations!

From Barcelona, I´ll be flying to England, where my journey returns to being one of volunteering: I´ll be at the TaraCentre, a Buddhist retreat center in Etwall, Derbyshire,England. I´ll be volunteering there, doing…whatever they want me to do…until the end of August. I hope to learn the practice of meditation while I am there as well.

The Taracentre website is http://www.taracentre.org.uk/meditation_etwall.shtml

They practice a type of Buddhism called Kadampa Buddhism.

So, hasta luego until Santiago! Until then, just taking it slow and easy…

gigi

This will be the shortest entry I have ever written, mostly because I am almost out of money and have already written three…

The Camino has changed….I was abit nervous to skip ahead to the last 100 kilometers, thinking I would be walking with more of the same sort of people(walking 45 kilometers in a day, and so on) and I was told by some that I was ¨cheating¨!

However, when I arrived in Ferreiros… I was most pleasantly surprised…the other people walking along with me are eithe (a) just starting out, and only walking 100 kilometers, or (b) exhausted from walking for weeks on end, and so have mellowed out, or (c) skipped ahead as I did because they are injured.

The number of people who are very injured and so are moving along at a snail´s pace has increased dramatically. So, I am in excellent company.

For me, the Meseta part of the Camino was the best part for thinking, for musing, for figuring out my way in life-but this last leg is so beautiful, so lush, so green, so..breathtakingly beautiful,  that to me it is the best part to take slowly and enjoy.

In fact, I am quite happy to be injured and limping my way along thru what has to be one of the most beautiful places I´ve ever been in my entire life.

So, enjoying myself immensely..and probably no more entries until Santiago itself!

gigi

I decided to take a bus from Leon to Sarria, as now both of my ankles are not doing well.

I arrived in Sarria at 9:30 at night. You would think I would have thought this arrival time out more-but, (a) the bus was late to begin with;and, (b) I didn´t think it out at all, actually.

So of course, when I got there it was quite late. A very nice woman who got off the bus with me directed me down a street, and told me to go to a certain house, where there was a family that rented rooms.

I went there, I knocked, they answered, I asked..no rooms. They called the refugio..no rooms, either. They suggested another place, not quite nearby, and I started walking there.

At this point I began to notice that  Sarria had a slightly seedy element-and this element was out on the street. Suddenly, it didn´t seem like a good idea to be walking around, looking obviously lost, with an enormous backpack and a tired expression.

I ducked into a bar. (This sounds like a bad idea…but in Spain, the bars are very nice.)

The  owners directed me down the street, to another bar, who apparently rented rooms sometimes. I entered the bar and found the owner.

Yes, he had a room. Was I hungry? I was famished. Good, sit, sit, eat something.

He proceeded to bring out plate after plate of food. After dinner, I paid for the room and discovered it was in a building down the street.Ok, this is a little different, but I was so tired I didn´t care. I waddled down the street after him, feeling like all I wanted was a bed.

We came to the building that I was supposed to sleep in-it was a half shell of a building, actually-plastic sheeting for windows, graffiti in the hallway. After walking up two flights of stairs, and not hearing another soul, I reached in my bag and wrapped my hand around the container of mace I had just bought in Leon.

We reached the room, he opened the door, and proceeded to eye me up and down.

¨It´s too bad you are alone, with this big bed¨, he said, licking his lips and looking utterly disgusting.

I was at a loss as to what to say, because frankly I was distracted by the nastiness of the room. It was dirty, smelled of cigarettes, and had a dank smell.

¨Yes, well, goodnight¨, I said, pushing him out the door with my walking poles(those poles have many uses!).

I was surveying my disgusting surroundings when he could be heard on the other side of the door…¨I´m right next door, if you need anything-in the room right next to yours¨, he gleefully informed me. ¨There are no other guests.¨, he said.

I locked the door. He came back ,and talking to me from the other side of my door, informed me that he was just on the other side of the wall, if I decided I did not want to be alone tonight.

Unfortunately, the bathroom was outside, in the hall. I decided not to risk it, and peed in a plastic cup. Not easy, but something I have perfected since traveling in Central America. (Note to self: Always travel with pee container.)

I slept with all the lights on, all night.

In the morning-as soon as it was barely light-I snuck out as quietly as possible, and began walking to Ferreiro.

No wonder that room was only 10 euros….

gigi