All the Roadrunning

From the Atlantic – en route from NYC to Southampton, UK 

Despite my slight hesitation in the parking lot of the pier in Red Hook, Brooklyn moments before reaching the ship, I followed through in the end, finding myself walking right back up the same gangway I had so eagerly run down five months earlier.  And there I was, once again a part of the 1268 crew members from over 50 countries prepared to spend 10 – 16 hours a day serving 2659 vacationing guests on board the famous Queen Mary 2. 

All around me cages full of luggage were whisked into the elevators, pallets of lamb and bananas and napkins were brought on board, the floors were being mopped, the toilets scrubbed, the dining rooms being set up.  On such days when a voyage finishes and a new one is about to begin, the pace is dizzyingly frantic, with every crew member part of an incredible machine that must serve everyone breakfast at 6am, send 5000 pieces of luggage ashore, disembark all of the guests in an orderly fashion, clean the entire ship and all the cabins, embark another 2600 guests only 30 minutes after the last guest from the previous voyage walked off the ship and complete the entire process in reverse. 

There are two crew members who work non-stop practically every voyage, as they have the sole responsibility for serving our highest, and most demanding, VIPs, those special guests who live on the topmost deck, with the most impressive views, guests who are served only the finest and most elegantly prepared food, sleep on the fluffiest of first class pillows and require constant pampering.  They wear their expensive Queen Mary 2 sweaters, show off their freshly styled hair-dos and bark at the staff when things do not go their way.  On this voyage there are five of them and their names are ‘Boycie’, ‘Magee’, ‘Belle’, ‘Ganesh’ and ‘Maple.’  They are not American, British or German but are, in order of their names, a Pug, Yorkshire Terrier, Border Collie, Beagle and Shitzu.  This is the Queen Mary 2 after all, and there is no other ship like it.   

As for my return, it was a relatively easy transition, taking only a couple of minutes for me to recognize dozens and be recognized by dozens of others.  Unfortunately, I did not remember most of their names.  As photographers, salon staff, housekeepers, receptionists and social staff approached me with a “Welcome back, Derek” I could only reply with a “Good to see you…” and a pause.  Had they not mentioned my name I simply would not have had to mention theirs.  But as they did somehow remember mine, I was forced to steal a lightning quick glance at their chests in order to read the name off of their name tags.  It is an art indeed, to stare ever so subtly in the midst of a conversation while limiting the length of the necessary pause.  But it was only my first day back and I must admit that I failed miserably in this aspect, my stares more than obvious and now bound to cause much irreparable insult.   

After a first day of wearing jeans and doing approximately 13 minutes of work I was forced to wake up at 7:30am this morning, put on my neatly pressed white officer’s uniform and attend the Hotel Manager’s meeting.  But as the senior officers spoke of the need for supervisors to train their teams how to deal with New Yorkers (who were deemed ‘pushier than normal’ and ‘not the kind of guests our crew are used to dealing with’), I wondered how fast the time would pass until I would be sitting in the final meeting of my contract.  

Following the meeting I proceeded to work steadily for a lengthy 9 minutes, during which time I hung up on one guest after forgetting the reason I had called.  I also wrote a letter that will be sent to 100 guests disembarking the ship in Cherbourg, France on the 15^th, telling them such intriguing things as ‘vacate your stateroom by 8:30am’ and ‘there will be a staff member outside the customs hall to direct you to your clearly marked motor coach.’     

The reason I stopped working after only 9 minutes was because of the two-hour mandatory training session that I had to attend, that all new or returning crew must attend each time they join the ship.  The Captain spoke first, explaining the rules and regulations regarding such topics as drug and alcohol use, sexual harassment and suicidal cabin mates; the Staff Captain talked about Safety at Sea, what to do if we see someone fall overboard and what fire extinguisher to use if we accidentally ignite the french fries; the Environmental Officer told us not to throw anything over board, adding in the words ‘including passengers’ at the end but receiving only a few nervous chuckles from the crowd; the Crew Doctor stressed the need to use condoms and to frequently wash our hands in order to avoid contracting a gastro-intestinal illness and vomiting all over the vessel; the Security Officer told us to keep an eye out for Osama and pirates and lost old ladies accidentally wandering into crew areas looking for the Medical Center.   

The Environmental Officer did attempt to redeem himself at the end, offering the following joke:  “If you see a guest about to throw something over the side of the ship, you must approach them and say ‘I am sorry but we are not allowed to do that.  However, I will be more than happy to take that from you and dispose of it properly.’  The guest will then hand over their baby…”  Unfortunately, there were no chuckles this time, with those of us experienced crew members in the group shaking our heads in understanding of how ‘ship life’ affects our brains.   

I am in my cabin now, just having finished watching Mr. Bean and eating some blueberries.  I am exhausted and ready for sleep but am constantly pondering the question I was asked so often today – “How does it feel to be back?” At this point I could only offer the standard reply of “Ask me in two months.”  I don’t know how I feel at the moment.  It is slightly pleasant here on board, I am not too busy with work (definitely aided by the fact that the person I am replacing is still on board until the end of this voyage), the atmosphere is positive and the spinach canelloni was actually not too bad tonight (although the baked cod I ordered yesterday was completely frozen).