epmo

 

URGENT MEMORANDUM

To: All Coffee Call Centrre Organisers

From: National Industry Coffee God (Make mine a double shot latte)

It has come to my attention that an increasing amount of members are utilizing the Call Centre services. While this could be attributed to Coffee Club Organizers and Lead Coffee club Organisers promoting the service, there is no evidence that any of our members have been contacted by any of the aforesaid for at least nine months. It has also come to note after careful analysis of  incoming and outgoing calls routed by our free-call 0800 COFFEE number that an alarming amount of calls are being diverted offsite to 0900 ACT-ACT.  Each diverted call costs our organization the cost of a flat white in Ponsonby, not an insignificant expense. ACT as you know is an acronym for Anti Coffee Time. This organization advocates for the abolition of free coffee, stating there is no such thing.

In future all calls received by the Call Centre will not be diverted to any other number other than the cafeteria and only at times when call centre organizers are not actually there, all other times the calls will be diverted to an answer machine. This is to minmise the risk of  members actually making contact with  paid officials of our organization. Remember we didn’t get to where we are today by the effective resolution of our members problems.

With the assistance of one of your colleagues I have drafted a standard call centre script for members that actually manage to get through to the call centre.

Member: Hello

Organiser Hello

Member: Can you help me please

Organiser: Depends

Member: I am having problems with my boss

Organiser: Ain’t we all

Member: Quite a serious problem actually

Organiser: Hang on mate, I have to put you on hold for a while. (At this point you leave your desk and head for the cafeteria)

After 5 minutes of muzak a prerecorded message from one of our most experienced members of our legal team will start detailing a 10 point plan for legal dispute resolution within the workforce.

The call will then be redirected back to your phone. If the member is still there you are to actively encourage them to harden up and sort the problem out for themselves. It is essential that you instill in them the values of self reliance, independence and if necessary encourage them to kiss the arse of their boss.

Remember, there is not enough Coffee to share it with everyone, we have been successful in maintaining our coffee consumption by tapping into our reserves and raising the membership fee to almost keep pace with our expenditure. We must remain optimistic and in due course it will be decided that a number of Coffee Consultants will be hired to resolve our looming liquidity problems. On all previous occasions that Consultants were hired Coffee consumption increased spectacularly, I see no reason to doubt the same will occur during the next round of consultations.

CONFIDENCE IS HIGH

Tags: Coffee, Travel, Tag Index

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