epmo

Dedicated to Mike

Welcome to the EPMO, the place you go when you are feeling like ‘Everyone Pisses Me Off’. This is first of all a travel blog, you will find tales of travels and cities that I have visited, and stories of my fellow human beings and all the things they get up to. Some of my best times have been experienced in various cafes around the globe meeting fellow travelers on life’s journey.

First up New Zealand, here are some observations on coffee drinking in the land of the long white cloud, Aotearoa.

The Coffee Critique

To be a true connoisseur in the art and science of coffee drinking not only must you have several years experience actually drinking it, but you must live for it.

True connoisseurs are actually employed on a permanent full time basis. Such organizations do exist. The employment benefits are comprehensive and generous, the career path is seemingly clear cut – but this is a trick for the novice, true addicts develop a repertoire of skills that propels them into public office, but the cleverest develop ways of not only being in employed to drink coffee, but actually manage to attain a state of caffeine nirvana where they are able to travel extensively and have all their coffees paid for by the organization they are employed by, this is in addition to all the other benefits of a highly paid job with extensive benefits that mere mortals would only dream of. I am talking about an elite group of people who are in fact Coffee Gods.
I myself was actually in the employ of one such organization for several years. I speak from personal experience. I have fallen from those lofty heights and am now confined to decaf and tea, health problems have caused me to eliminate all caffeine intake, I am now a loiterer in the lanes that house our coffee places the world over, still captivated by the enticing aromas that waft on the breeze, no longer able to imbibe of the delight that once held me captive in it’s embracing charms.

The structure of one such organization can be found in New Zealand. Head office is in Wellington, and branches are nationwide, the largest being Auckland. Christchurch has a boutique Coffee God office, which is undoubtedly representative of how all branches should actually be, sadly, it just doesn’t seem to work.

Below is the ORGANISATIONAL STRUCTURE displaying career path. Advancement is contingent on not only understanding the science of being a Coffee God, but more importantly becoming an artist in the execution of it.

ENTRY LEVEL: Trainee Coffee God
This is Coffee God boot camp. Here you are taken to Islands in the Hauraki Gulf to undergo rigorous training, many doubters are truly converted at this point, there is no going back for them. They literally see the error of their former ways and embrace their new found life. After dining at five star a la carte restaurants during their exhaustive training schedule, they are then ready to partner up with an experienced Coffee God. At this point they get the first inkling on how good life actually can be as long as the cappucino never stops flowing.

Coffee God
A good Coffee God works hard at their craft, first of all they have to justify why they need a coffee, and the reasons are plenty. First of all it’s the many unpaid volunteer subscribers to their organization (who actually provide the funding) who laud the coffee gods and occasionally call them with problems. Quite often the problems are so complex the only way to solve them is over a coffee. The other seemingly valid reason to spend time in a Café instead of visiting the subscribers is so you don’t stir up unnecessary problems by actually spending time with them. Coffee Gods at this level have already learnt the art of being invisible. The coffee actually comes out of your own pay at this level.

Lead Coffee God
This is a position for more experienced Coffee Gods, it is harder work here, but the pay is better. To become one you occasionally have to suck up to the boss and mow their lawns, otherwise not much difference to a coffee god. You occasionally have your coffee paid for at this level

Industry Coffee God
This position is under review, generally speaking there are lots of free coffees to be drunk at will.

Regional Operational Director of Coffee Gods
Where else should a Coffee God live but in coffee heaven? Nothing but free coffee in this position, plus you have all the time in the world to count your redundancy pay and plan for your retirement

National Secretary of Coffee Gods
The Coffees are on me boys, feel like having one in Sydney, Frankfurt, New York? Just book a flight and go.

Various Hangers on – Coffee Gods with no accountability.
Found in every organization, clever people with nothing better to do than ‘DRINK COFFEE’. If only that was all they did.

External Consultants
Technically they pay for their own coffees, they incorporate it into their fee. Hired frequently when the organization just doesn’t seem to be delivering Coffee fast enough.

[read on]