The Buck starts here…

Today was both grand & surreal. two outings. 1 wet, 1 large. A Bangkokian kingdom of dreams….

It all started about a month ago. Bangkok is what you might call a congested city. There’s a lot of stuff packed in there. And the traffic jams are legendary. So the department of transport started building elavated roadways to bypass the gridlock. Of course these too quickly became the dizzy side of busy. So They built ele-elevated toll highways which bypass 2 sets of gridlock. So its a month ago. I’m riding on the bus from Bangkok down to Ban Phe drinking in the plethora of strange & wonderful sights. the driver of the bus has paid the 40 baht toll, and consequently we are soaring above the maelstrom below. I glance to my left & notice a shopping centre. One of many? Yes. One of the same? Err no. Coz it’s got a waterpark on the roof. Yes. Slides, pools, rubber rings. The whole shangalangdoodle. On the roof of a shopping centre. I vow then & there to return to this paradise.

Fastforward to today. The time has arrived. My friend Jane & I are in a cab & en route. We arrive. We get in a lift. We press up. All the way. Our destination is the roof. Leoland, to give the waterpark its correct title. We enjoy the delights of the slides, the jacuzzi & the “action” river. The action river is slightly on the passive side but lets not quibble. Its a waterpark on a roof! I hire a rubber ring and head for one of the slides which has been reserved for rubber ring drivers. I feel like I’ve joined an exclusive club, even though most of the park has rubber rings. The lifeguard dude halts me in my stride.

Lifeguard dude:“Ha sib.”
me: “Fifty?”
Lifeguard dude: “Yes. fifty.”
me: “Err. Fifty what?”

At this point a young bilingual translator child helpfully appears at my side. Apparently people over the age of fifty cannot use this slide. Ok. I dunno why that is, but it’s not really going to be a relevant concern for me for the next 28 years & 6 days. I try & persuade the lifeguard dude that depite my old-age pensioner disguise I am really a sprightly young chap of 21. No deals. Ahhh. It’s a misunderstanding. He’s not talking about age!! He’s talking about weight. Yes, I must weigh 50 kilograms or less to ride this slide. I have no idea how much I weigh in kilograms. I come from the U.K & we are pretty schizophrenic when it comes to weights & measurements. (A pint of milk with a litre of orange juice anyone?). So I tell my new translator friend to tell the lifeguard dude that I weigh 35 kilos. Perhaps unsurpisingly, he doesn’t buy it. I get on another slide. Another day, another weight problem.

10 minutes later. I run into my new translator friend on the steps. he tells me he misunderstood the lifeguard dude 1st time round. Apparently you have to weigh more than 50 k’s to ride this baby. I used to act. You want me to weigh more than 50 k’s – I can pull it off. I go back to the top, rubber ring perched stylishly on my thickset, chubby shoulders.

“I weigh 75 kilograms!”

No deals. I think he thinks I must be lying. Farang generally give the correct answer 1st time round. He’s just going on my word. It’s time to get dry…

Another cab. En route to another destination. This time it’s the world’s largest restaurant. The boys from Guinness world records popped round in 1991 & left a plaque so we know this aint no con. A few facts & figures to whet your appetite. This place can seat 5000 diners. I didn’t slip an extra zero in there. that’s 5000. About the same number of people who live in the Wiltshire village of Pewsey. There are 1200 staff. The restaurant takes up some 8.5 acres. Basically it’s huge. As well as the multiple seating areas arranged around a sort of stage on a lake there are numerable private (but transparent) rooms where families can sit, eat & sing karaoke to their hearts content. We (Jane, Me, Blythe & Ruth) were seated immediately opposite the stage, with only the water and a zip line seperating us from the treats that lay in store. This was either the table of honour, or the table of torture, depending upon how much you like “authentic” Thai dance performed by authentically bored Thai dancers.

The menu comes. There’s a heavy emphasis on seafood. I’ve seen the tanks of various aquatic creatures doing backstroke on the way in, so I know that I’m not going to be served a plate of Asda frozen scampi. (I’m not knocking Asda frozen scampi, but there’s a time & a place.) I decide that today might be the day for me to eat my 1st ever King lobster. They even say they’ll cook it anyway I like. & it’s only 250 baht. What a bargain. The waiter takes our orders & rollerskates away (dont ask) to fish my dinner out of a tank and sling it on the barbie. A minute passes. Another (slightly superior & more adept at english) waiter pops up & we start talking details. Does my lobster like football, will he kiss on the 1st date, etc etc. Apparently he wont. For the 2nd time today I’ve got a little muddled about weights & measures. Turns out that 250 baht buys me 100g of King lobster. And my not so easy new pal weighs in at over a key. I can’t really stretch to paying 30 quid for my dinner so Jeffrey the King lobster lives to see another sunrise. Tony the local river lobster, your time has come.

10 minutes pass. The show has begun by two men wearing rollerskates going down that zip line which is suspended over the lake. It has continued with some dancing & a synthesized sax. It’s kinda uninspiring. Then Tony arrives. I’m asked if Tony would like a little help taking his coat off. Tony would love a little help. Tony is taken away, undressed, & returned. His hat & gloves have been left. I guess me & Tony are going to have some head-ripping touchy-feely action before he moves into his new home in my stomach.

I eat Tony. I’ve been assured in the past that lobster is a wonderfully delicious shenanigan. Tony just tastes like a prawn. A big prawn. But still a prawn. Prawns have very high opinions of themselves. They go by the names “Tiger” and “King”. But they’re basically the ugly sisters of the aquatic world. I dunno, maybe a lowly river lobster like Tony can never taste as good as a King lobster like Jeffrey. I salute you both, Jeffrey & Tony. But dancing girls: if you want your 5000 capacity restaurant to have more than 60 people in it, try & look like you’re having a good time. And lifeguard dude: I am young enough, heavy enough, & ugly enough, to ride that slide.

Tags: Bangkok, Seafood, Thailand, Thailand

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