US here we come

Joan and I travelled to the US from Australia with our two children, Joey and Hannah. Joey is 14 and going through that phase when the individual needs to separate from their parents and forge their own identity (while still totally dependent on us for things like laundry, cooking, finding the remote, buying more batteries, etc.). It’s a healthy process for them but a difficult time for parents. Our daughter, Hannah, was eleven when we left Canberra but turned 12 in Hollywood. Our original plan for the month overseas was scheduled for 2007 but had to be postponed due to circumstances beyond our control. I reckon we just made it – had we postponed the trip another year, to 2009, it would have been almost unworkable in terms of travelling with a 15 year old boy. An essential element of that stage of life is a self-centredness that makes it difficult to compromise and negotiate.

Before offering some advice based on our experience, I must point out that while Hannah was delightful and Joey difficult, it was definitely worth all the effort. Joey seemed mostly alienated and dissatisfied while in the US with us – the “dead-beats”, as he called us on one occasion! – but no sooner were we back in Canberra than he was talking enthusiastically about aspects of the trip that he enjoyed. He just loved LA and wants to return – with his mates, as soon as they’re all old enough. He even checked the air-fares on the internet. Like me, Joey would have liked another week, at least, in the States – a pity he didn’t show his enthusiasm so much when we were actually there, but it’s great to know that he basically enjoyed the adventure, albeit with his (dead-beat) parents and younger sister.

Hannah, only just having turned 12, was keen to return home. She is not yet going through the stage of life of separation from her parents and that dependency worked for us all. She was amazing really, keeping up with our many miles of fast walking each day, fitting in with often hectic routines. She was usually very tired at night and slept deeply, as did Joey.

The Hints

1. The very first point I’d make is that, when planning the trip, make sure to do all you can to involve your children in the planning. It should be their journey as much as yours. Joan and I attempted this involvement by asking Joey and Hannah what type of things they’d like to do in the US and which places they’d like to visit. Obviously, we didn’t expect them to come up with details but we wanted to take on board any general interests they had. We also involved them in the Internet selection of accommodation and booking of activities. Again, early teenage years can be difficult all round and – after we had gone through all the discussions and booked and paid for the tickets to Hollywood, New York and San Francisco – Joey became enthusiastic about the idea of visiting Detroit. (He is an admirer of the rapper, Eminem, who grew up in Detroit). Unfortunately, it was too late to change the plans at such short notice, and neither Joan nor I wanted to anyway, as we had provided every opportunity for such suggestions weeks earlier. I guess young teenagers leave things to the last moment.

None the less, it was a worthwhile process having the planning discussions, as it enabled a degree of inclusiveness, where we could all be happy (up to a point) and it provided a ‘moral’ justification for the route the trip took.

2. As a parent, there have of course been the ‘best of times’ and the ‘worst of times’ over the past 15 years. I found it very helpful to psyche myself up prior to departure by imagining the worst possible scenarios in terms of relationships falling apart within the family unit overseas. I’d imagine the worst possible cases of rudeness and lack of cooperation, and I’d work out in my mind how I’d deal with them. It was an excellent exercise, as I went on the trip prepared for anything! As it turned out, there was no worse case scenario, just some difficult times – and I was mentally prepared. A benefit of this preparation was that I did not (I think) contribute to any worsening of the difficulties that did arise. (Parents can be part of the problem, too). Joan often talks of needing to be balanced emotionally. She says (of dealing with stressful situations): “Imagine yourself on a surfboard. You either keep your balance on the big wave and have an exhilarating experience and make it to shore – or you fall off and possibly sink”.

3. The psychological need for separation in the teenage years also affects relations with siblings. Hannah was sometimes on the receiving end of Joey’s dissatisfaction. It was understandable that there would be tensions occasionally, as the four of us were together 24/7. Also, four people to a motel or hotel room is very close-range living. In New York, unless you’re a millionaire, your hotel room will be very small. Ours was comfortable enough but just big enough for two double beds – plus a roll-out bed. And this is hint number 3: it is definitely worth paying the extra ($15 to $20 per day) for an additional bed so that, if travelling with two children who would rather not sleep in the same bed, they can have their own space in the hotel room. Of course, there was a need to work out a fair system as to who would have the roll-out bed at each new destination but this was done easily, taking turns on the basis of days and locations. Had we not paid the extra money for an extra bed, I’m sure we would have had big problems and issues almost every night.

4. While we were aware of the dangers of being in a big city in a foreign place, Joan and I both felt that it was necessary and worth the risk to leave the kids in the hotel room at night so that we could have a break from them and relate as a couple. Neither of us wanted to do this regularly but we did it on two or three occasions. We just left Joey and Hannah with instructions not to open the door to anyone, and they spent the night watching TV while we gallivanted about Manhattan.

5. It’s essential to be able to communicate in the advent of becoming lost in an unfamiliar place, especially a bustling city. Thus, we purchased three mobile phones in New York – one each for the children and one for Joan. We wrote the numbers on a bit of paper and the deal was that, should any of us become lost, we would use the mobile phone. The phones were about $20 each, plus $20 phone cards.

6. As part of the preparation for the trip, once the fares were paid and the itinerary finalized, I typed up and printed out copies of the full itinerary and also printed out slips of paper with the details (phone number and address) of each hotel/motel and also flight details of each leg of the journey. I made sure that each of us had this little slip of paper with these details, at each leg of the trip. Again, this was a measure for a situation in which one of us became lost. We would just have to refer to the slip of paper to know the name and address, phone number, of our hotel and also the next booked flight.

The above certainly worked for us.

Barry

Tags: Travel, travelling with children, travelling with teenagers

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 12th, 2008 at 3:53 pm and is filed under Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.